First post - some questions and some background

Hi all,

Let me start off by saying hi to this community, and I hope you're all doing well.
The reason I post here is because the forum I usually go to ocassionally, PsychCentral.com, doesn't really allow these threads, so here goes.

Lately I've been struggling with my sexuality a lot. I've been in therapy for 2 years now - I'm 21 years at the moment - but mostly because of personality issues, which I've actually improved upon. But one of the issues I had when I entered therapy and which hasn't really improved since, is my sexuality. When I entered I felt I couldn't really feel attracted to anyone. So naturally I thought I was gay, but after some experimenting I realized I'm not that into men. I'm okay with kissing men and I can emotionally bond with them, but that's basically all I cán feel for them, I think anyway.

So a few days ago I read this Cracked article on pedophilia which was also posted on here, and I got confronted with one of my old doubts. When I was 15-16, I first started to doubt my sexuality. I had thoughts of maybe being gay, which weren't that strong at the time, and thoughts of maybe being a pedophile, I'm not sure why I thought that but I did. But it wasn't that much of an issue at the time because it was perfectly okay to have fantasies and to like girls my own age, and I did have a lot of fantasies about them and did like them.
Also, I've always been attracted to women younger than me, but I never had a relationship that was illegal. But it just seems I'm into things that make a woman younger. Like this summer I had a thing with a girl who I knew was a virgin, and I just felt terrible while dating her because I felt I only liked her because she was a virgin and I'd be her first one, plus her face was really cute. But I just didn't care that much for her personality, though she had a real good sense of humour. Then there's the experience I've had with much younger girls, which obviously I haven't done anything with. Because let me be clear, I get sick of that idea. But there was this one girl on vacation of which I thought "She has a cute face, I'm sure she'll grow up to be an attractive woman." and there's also been an instance where I helped this girl bike through some mud while pushing her on her back, which felt funny. I couldn't help but find her funny and intelligent, and also her face looked cute. But it's not clear to me where the line of this attraction lies.

So to be honest, this all has gotten me pretty down. I mean it would be great to know what I am but then again it's tough to be the scum of society. Though like I said, I never did anything illegal, it will be pretty tough for me to not be able to talk about it with the people close to me. I just want answers right now and I hope you can give me some guidance. I really do hope in the future there will be more acceptance and research, though it seems we live in times where that's not farfetched.

Then there's another important question I have: should I tell my therapist? He's an older guy with children of his own who have children of their own, and when he talks about them he seems pretty protective and dad-like. I'm not sure he'd respond well to me saying this to him, also because our relationship has been pretty rocky and I don't really trust him in general. So I probably won't tell him, haha. I'm actually pretty scared of the damage he might cause, but I really want to tell somebody. But in march I'm going to this new institution so then the question arises whether it's a good idea in general to tell any therapist about this. I really feel I can make progress in this institution though. Note I have never done anything illegal, so they can't lock me up or anything, I hope. Plus I live in a country where there's a very open and tolerant mentality in general.

So that was it, from reading here I believe it's not a good idea to test your urges, so I'll just go and try and get some sleep now.

Thanks in advance for helping me out!

Sorry for double posting, but sleeping didn't help. I'm getting pretty depressed and very anxious about telling my therapist - we have an appointment tomorrow. Also, my ex gf is coming over friday and she was very clear in what she wanted from me, sex, but I feel I can't perform and I'm thinking I should cancel our appointment. I just can't face anyone right now, I'm disgusted of myself. I don't want to leave the bed or go to work. I'm actually sick and I don't want to eat anything. I've had some suicidal thoughts, though I still want to talk about it with my therapist first. But what if he gets all agressive because he has children of his own. Or what if he gets passive-agressive in any other way. I'm very scared. All I'm thinking is I'm going to live this life where I'm going to have to constantly hide in terror, but still have to lead a relatively normal life with a wife and ofcourse children, but can never tell anyone because they'll be disgusted of me. Like would you tell your wife? Ofcourse not, she'll constantly feel old because of you. I really hate myself. I'm not even sure, but it kind of feels like this makes sense. Like why do I not feel that much attraction to any girl my age? Or a boy? Is it the porn?
I watch porn and masturbate daily, and stopping causes my libido to be relatively high. And the instance where I thought "This girl is pretty, she'll probably grow up to be attractive." was last summer, she was about 13 by the way, and I was on vacation with this family (and the girl didn't belong to that family, she was from a family that was visiting us) and I couldn't masturbate because there was no alone-time, so my libido was pretty high, also because of all the beach temperatures and bikinis, and there was also this other girl which I already liked but I didn't feel that much attraction to her, I mean a bit but not a lot. But then again I didn't feel that much attraction to the pretty-face 13-year old either, so I guess that's a good thing, right? I'm so confused. I feel like because I'm doubting all this, there's no going back, like I've crossed the line already, like I should just go to the police and give myself in, or kill myself.

I don't know if you have someone you can trust to share this with but I told a friend about my attractions and it was a massive weight off my shoulders. I'm not sure they are comfortable enough for me to really discuss it with them in more depth but it helped me massively as I felt like I was going to explode until I did. I personally wouldn't tell my therapist about my attractions but I'm not you and perhaps you could simply bring up your confusion and how you can't really feel attracted as strongly to people as you'd like? That could be quite therapeutic without spilling the beans. Please don't kill yourself though, you can still work through this and live a happier life.

I don't know man, I'm very scared my friends are not open to this. I mean, it is pretty damn weird.

I tested my feelings and unfortunately I must confirm that my fantasies and desires still lie within the age of the girls I liked in high school. I feel so ashamed man. I should just be attracted to girls my own age.

I'm not saying you need to tell them. I don't know you and I don't know your friends. It's just that if you can find someone you can trust and know will handle it in a logical, mature way then it helped me a lot. There is no reason for you to be ashamed of your attractions. Obviously society isn't completely accepting of attractions like ours but it isn't your fault and you should not feel bad for having these thoughts and feelings.

I do feel bad, I feel terrible. I just came back from work and I almost threw up thinking about my attractions. I'm a person that tells anything to his friends, I have no secrets. I'm sorry but I can't keep my own secrets. I can't live with a secret like that. And what to tell my future partner?
I'm afraid I'll never be able to love an adult man/woman the way I was into the girls aged under 18.

Seriously man, I know the type of guy who has this completely normal life but yet has to hide his secret. They either have no friends and partner and if they do, they have to keep this whole facade and have to constantly keep up their social manipulations and lies. I'm not like that, I swore I'd never be like that, like my dad. Seriously, if that's what my life is going to be, I'm ######6 dead.
And what about children? What if I get a daughter and get sexually attracted to my own ######6 daughter. Like maybe on this forum people are all casual about it, but to me that's the epitome of disgusting stuff. Sex is such a primal thing, it's such a powerful motivation, half the time you're not even aware you're motivated by it. Like most pedophiles will have an experience or two where they really really like this one girl/boy and then decide: "I must be good with children.", obviously they don't realize their true sexuality, because that would obviously be impossible to handle by their ego.

But they go on to become gym teachers or a regular teacher or maybe a swimming teacher or whatever you know. I had this teacher who everybody knew got fired at his previous school for having an affair with a younger girl, I know the type, they've got this massive inferiority complex. They can't handle their students, like maybe some student would be defiant and you could just see that would collapse their ego and break their heart, because usually it'd be the hot girls the teacher would give the most attention, and it'd be the hot girl that would be defying, making the teacher get his heart broken again and again. It's tragic, and in fact I find it so tragic I refuse to live like that, getting my heart ######6 broken by a 13-year old, what the ###$ man.

I masturbated this afternoon to some teenage girls I legally found on a legal site. It's the only thing that really turns me on. Sometimes when I had masturbated too much, I would go to this site because it would still stimulate me, like it's the thing that stimulates me the most. And it's a completely legal site, not even Tor or anything. And I'm sure I'm attracted to girls under the age of 12 as well, but I really don't want to find out. The instance where I pushed this little girl's back was a girl that was about 11 years old. And like I said, sex is such a powerful motivator, I'm bound to find out. So basically I am the worst thing that one could be. Just when my life was looking up, I get this.

If my therapist doesn't show support tomorrow, I'm gonna kill myself this weekend. I'm sorry guys, I can't live like this.

If you can hold out a bit longer then try to make new friends and see how trustworthy they are. A lot of people on here have told partners about their attractions and they have accepted it and worked through it together. Do most fathers molest their daughters when they turn 21 despite having fantasies about young women? You are a good person so why would you even think that you could molest your daughter. There are many non-offending exclusive pedophiles who know they will never have someone they truly love but there is other beauty in life as well. If you tell your therapist and he doesn't handle it professionally then he should never have become a mental health professional to begin with! They ask you if you can treat everyone equally on week 2 of the course! So long as you don't come across as a danger to children then you should be fine. Please don't kill yourself though. You can still work through this. Even if your therapist says he isn't capable of helping you, I'm sure he will act professionally and refer you on to someone who is capable. please at least don't do it for me, I don't want it on my conscience that I could have talked you down and failed to.

DudeGuyMan wrote:should I tell my therapist?

Short answer, no. There could be complex repercussions.

theclouds wrote:

DudeGuyMan wrote:should I tell my therapist?

Short answer, no. There could be complex repercussions.

Well he said he was going to today it's only an issue if they think you are a danger to children. I'm sure the danger checklist isn't taken lightly

I did do tell my therapist, but I know him longer than today. He did recognize that I may have some feelings for younger girls, but also he said I show a lot of obsessional thinking, so I might be OCD.

So yeah, I guess I was overreacting. Good thing I live in a tolerant country.