I don't know what's "wrong" with me or what to call it.

I have been debating about posting this, because I worry that people will take things the wrong way, but I am going to post it anyway. I'm looking for advice here, because I don't know what's "wrong" with me.

I'm a girl in my mid 20's, and I used to think I was just a sexual sadist. When I was very young, I remember playing with my dolls and making them rape each other. That is the only odd thing that happened until I was about 11. I fell into a deep depression and changed a lot, despite a lot of medication and therapy.

My sexuality developed in my teens. My sexual sadism bloomed a lot thanks to the internet, and I discovered real gore videos, which I frequently masturbated to. If a video at all bothered me or made me uncomfortable, I would force myself to masturbate to it simply to get used to it. I conditioned myself on purpose, so I could increase my thrill. I also masturbated to pictures of dead people and had a few crushes on corpses I had seen online. I was never bothered by the fact that I was a necrophiliac or liked watching people die. It was thrilling, and I wanted more. I also discovered serial killers, some of which became like "idols" to me. I still look up to a few of them. Anyway, soon, my appetite couldn't be fulfilled anymore with videos, and I wanted the real thing. I've never acted on my urges, but since my desire for more increased, I have been deeply dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Even the worst shock videos that have been popular online are boring to me. Life in general has become more boring.

Now, let me say now that I have always loved animals. I have never harmed an animal in any way. I have seen plenty of shock animal abuse videos, but they never did anything for me. In some ways, they actually bothered me. Unfortunately, in my dissatisfaction, I have started to fantasize about hurting animals because they are so readily available. There is a neighborhood cat is who very friendly, and one day as I was petting it, I became very aroused. It felt so heavy but limber, and all I wanted to do was crush it. These new feelings don't bother me, but I am somewhat surprised that my feelings and urges have escalated to this level.

I have never felt bad about any of this. It's just who I am. It is lonely though. I can't relate to people at all and fake all of my relationships. I just nod and smile or look sad when it's appropriate, when I think I should. This is the only thing I hate, because I can't make and keep friends. I have been trying to fix this for years and years, but I think I should just give up altogether now. I don't think I can fix not being able to relate to people. I don't know how anyway. The only friends I've ever had were like me, but we have lost touch over the years. Now, I am in the process of studying to join the funeral home business, because being around the dead is the only place I feel comfortable. I only have my mother now, as well as a my long-term boyfriend, who is like me.

When I try to figure out what went wrong, I think it might've been my childhood but I worry that that's just a cop out. For starters, my mother was absent a lot when I was younger due to depression. I spent all my time with my father, who I was very close to. I think I was so close to him because I had already lost my grandfather (who I was very close to as well) and felt like I was losing my mother too. I also lost my grandmother (also close to) when I was a teen. My father was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood/teenage years though, but I stayed close for whatever reason. He is in prison now, after it came to light that he had been molesting a close childhood friend of mine for years. I testified against him with what little evidence I had, but I couldn't remember if anything had ever happened to me sexually. Maybe it did, but I don't know. I don't even care honestly.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long post. I would just like some insight into whatever has happened to me. Is there a name for someone like me? Is anyone else out there like that?

I guess you can't edit posts, but for the record, I've never acted on any of my urges and don't ever intend to do so. I have my mother and boyfriend to look after and they are more important to me than thrills. I just don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about me, despite how horrible I sound.

What to call it? Well, I'd definitely say you're a sadist to a degree, and that you've quite voluntarily gone the route that a lot of porn addicts go down, wherein you've deliberately desensitised yourself to extreme imagery, which has brought you to where you are now: Feeling bored and dissatisfied.

But you already knew that, so the question is: Where are you heading next?

It's entirely up to you. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by 'the real thing', seeing as you've described watching gore. I'll assume it's not an option anyway. I'm a necrophile myself, but not into gore, and certainly not people being killed. The 'real thing' in my eyes is considerably tamer than what a gore fetishist or even a sadist might like, but even at my end of the spectrum, the 'real thing' is going to put you on the wrong side of the law, as well as most people's moralities.

Desensitisation to extreme imagery can definitely be reversed, if you're willing to abstain from such material. Another realistic alternative is to find some way to enjoy your fantasies in a non-harmful, and legal way, such as role-playing. I'm sure you've already thought of that, but there's many other ways of taking your mind for a walk. Writing, for example. Expressing yourself via art. If you channel your feelings into something creative that others can enjoy, you might even make a few quid!

Graveyard76 wrote:What to call it? Well, I'd definitely say you're a sadist to a degree, and that you've quite voluntarily gone the route that a lot of porn addicts go down, wherein you've deliberately desensitised yourself to extreme imagery, which has brought you to where you are now: Feeling bored and dissatisfied.

But you already knew that, so the question is: Where are you heading next?

It's entirely up to you. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by 'the real thing', seeing as you've described watching gore. I'll assume it's not an option anyway. I'm a necrophile myself, but not into gore, and certainly not people being killed. The 'real thing' in my eyes is considerably tamer than what a gore fetishist or even a sadist might like, but even at my end of the spectrum, the 'real thing' is going to put you on the wrong side of the law, as well as most people's moralities.

Desensitisation to extreme imagery can definitely be reversed, if you're willing to abstain from such material. Another realistic alternative is to find some way to enjoy your fantasies in a non-harmful, and legal way, such as role-playing. I'm sure you've already thought of that, but there's many other ways of taking your mind for a walk. Writing, for example. Expressing yourself via art. If you channel your feelings into something creative that others can enjoy, you might even make a few quid!

I'm definitely not headed anywhere risky. I have obligations to my family to stay on the right path, because I'm all they have left. I wouldn't want to put them through anything horrible either. I'm not really wanting to change myself or be less desensitized though, because I think I'd feel too uncomfortable. I've been this way for over 10 years. I don't know how to be any different. I'd feel like I'm losing a huge part of myself.

You are right about alternatives though. I have channeled a lot of my feelings into art and poetry. When I can get into the right mood, it's one of the only things that still gives me a thrill and makes me feel alive. I doubt anyone would ever want to buy any of it, but I like doing it nonetheless.

You never know. I read something recently about poetry books selling well in recent years. I'm sure there's a market for all sorts of niches.

I'm crap at poetry, otherwise I'd give it a go!

Graveyard76 wrote:You never know. I read something recently about poetry books selling well in recent years. I'm sure there's a market for all sorts of niches.

I'm crap at poetry, otherwise I'd give it a go!

I guess that's true. If Necrophilia Variations can be published and gain popularity in some circles, I guess anything can!

I downloaded and read a bit of Necrophilia Variations. It instantly inspired me to hear the 'scrunch' sound of my Recycle Bin.

Graveyard76 wrote:I downloaded and read a bit of Necrophilia Variations. It instantly inspired me to hear the 'scrunch' sound of my Recycle Bin.

Oh, I know. It was terrible. It was such a disappointment really. There is a real lack of that kind of good literature out there. Although, when I was younger, I did discover Poppy Z. Brite, who was my saving grace at the time. I've grown out of it now, but it served a purpose for awhile.

Depictions of necrophiles in fiction are invariably disappointing, from my point of view at least. Sadists and gore lovers will probably find good entertainment in the things I find disappointing, but I'd really like to see a necrophile character portrayed in a way I can relate to for a change, instead of the usual unhinged stereotypes.

I do realise though, that storytellers have a priority to make their stories interesting, rather than be PR agents for whatever minority groups their characters happen to belong to.