Peter Pan Complex

I heard the term “Paraphilic Adolescentalism” a few weeks back, it was defined as one who derives sexual pleasure from dressing like or acting like and adolescent. And it seemed A good description of me.

As I have mentioned before, I was a rent boy (underage gay prostitute). But this, for me, became an identity. I was able to continue doing prostitution with older men until I was 25. But more importantly I still saw myself as “boy” at that time. I am quite short, with short limbs, had incredibly smooth and pale skin, and a boyish face. When I was skinny, my body retained a resemblance of a mid-teen rather than a man. I don't know when it started, I think it was in my late teens, I began buying my clothes from the boys section of shops. I was also going for facials and buying £200 face creams by my late teens. I was a the boy. Always the boy. In sex I never really got to be the “dom”, I was the boy, the sub. The “twink”. A feind of mine once said I was “pixie like”, and in the same message sent me a link to the song Wathering Heights by Kate Bush, I asked him why and he said I reminded him of Heathcliff (I still do not know what he meant by that, I have never seen the film or read the book). When I started to go to gay bars and socialize with gay guys in my early 20's I tended towards the younger ones. In those days it was not unusual for 16/17 yr old's to be on the “scene”. We had our own local chat room, I got on better with the older guys, but was drawn to the younger ones. I now think that is because I was desperately trying to maintain my own illusion/delusion of being a “boy”.

When I was around 26/27 a few things happened that dramatically changed my appearance. Firstly I was put on a medication which caused me to rapidly gain weight, my hair started receding and going grey. I was in a very depressed state whilst this process was going on, so I was not really aware of it until I started to come out of that state. What seemed to me to be a very sudden thing was that I had transformed into this old, fat balding man. This was a deeply traumatic thing for me. The boy is gone – HE'S GONE. What is this thing? I don't recognise it. It's not me.

I went downhill from there. I stopped socializing, I could not have sex any more because I felt so unattractive, and I had lost my sexual identity. I started losing my friends. Was an alcoholic and just became more depressed and fatter and fatter. Porn became my life.

After a health scare when I was 29 I took to going to the gym. I lost a lot of weight, started to regain some confidence and was even asked out on a date by a 23 yr old (I never went, I still believed I was unattractive). But the problem was that I was building muscle not just losing weight (I stoped going after I was robbed). Being a “hunk” is not what I wanted. I would look at teenagers in there and see their boyish bodies. That is what I wanted. To be a boy again.

Though pornography I could do that. Be a boy again. In my own world.

A couple of years ago, on a gay “dating” app, I was propositioned by a 17 yr old rent boy in my town. As it happens I reported him. But not because of any concern for his welbing or the fact he was under 18. Out of spite. Imagine that the former rent boy now has the look of requiring a rent boy. This is wounding in ways that I don't think many people can understand.

I'm not sure if this is relevant but I have noticed that I have a tendency to mentally
impersonate the subject of my attraction during sexual fantasy. As my fantasy typically plays out, I am not simply myself engaging in sexual acts with someone I'm attracted to, instead I tend become that individual in my head and mentally incarnate their persona and what they must be experiencing sexualy.

Do you or anyone else relate to this?

KeepClimbing wrote:I'm not sure if this is relevant but I have noticed that I have a tendency to mentally
impersonate the subject of my attraction during sexual fantasy. As my fantasy typically plays out, I am not simply myself engaging in sexual acts with someone I'm attracted to, instead I tend become that individual in my head and mentally incarnate their persona and what they must be experiencing sexualy.

Do you or anyone else relate to this?

I imagine myself to be a 14 yr old again and imagine that I am being forced or something when a man is *cough* 'doing me' *cough*. Is that what you mean?

Yes I think that sounds similar to what I was describing.

However, I don't believe the specific predilections of your sexual fantasy are relevant to this phenomenon. I wonder if, like myself, this is just your way of experiencing sexual fantasy in that you escape from your present reality and impersonating your 14 year old self instead.

I also wonder how common this is and if others can relate to this. It seems to me that it may come from an insecurity with oneself and therefore one cannot be sexual whilst they are themselves.

I know it must be very common in gay men, there is a propensity among many to dress as young as possible and to live a teenage lifestyle (clubbing etc) for as many years as they can get away with. There is also a genre of, I guess they call it a scene, it might be best described as a fetish, called "daddy's and sons". In that scenario, someone must play the role of "the son".