I'm scared of myself, I have a really strange sexuality.

Hi, my name is Sefora and I'm 17 (I'm female). My sexuality is full of perversion. I had sex for the first time when I was 13 with a man who was 45 (he had my consent). I started ''suffering'' from Gerontophilia when I was more or less 10 years old because I liked a teacher in my school. I've always had sex with men older than me. I'm bisexual: I like older men but I like very young girls (11 or 12 years).
Then, I like very much moustaches, I like almost every man with them.
Since I was more or less 14 I started liking very very much male gays and now, I like having sex as a girl but I like more watching, or better, imagining an old man with moustaches and a young and tiny boy (about 13-15 years) having sex. Many times the boy in my fantasies has a little mental disorder and sometimes the man uses his young boy more or less as a slave (not often, rarely and almost just psycological violence).
If I could be a man, I would be very very happy. The idea of being a man and ######6 a little handsome boy excites me a lot. I hate the way I am, my physical aspect and in my dream I NEVER imagine myself. I suffer being a woman and I spend all my day thinking about pederastian relationship, it's becoming an illness! I imagine also incests (yesterday I was very excited thinking about a boy who has sex with his grandfather).
I red that gerontophilia could be associated with Electra complex.
There was a period, when I was about 14, in which I was masochist (I cut myself) and to be excited I wanted to kill my best friend Mary. But this period passed, now I don't want to kill anybody.
If you want to know something about my childhood. Well, it was quite happy but I've always lived in my own world. I have a good relation with my mother but I haven't got a good relation with my father, I consider him a stupid person. For him me, my sister and my mum are just people who he has to feed, we are just a lost of money. For him, we must just work, I never talk with him, I can't watch him in the eyes and I'm crying while I write this, believe me. He is hateful, he never demonstrate affection for us. It's like the choise of being in this world was mine. I invented also an immaginary world (the world in wich my gay stories take place), which is populated by some men who are like some imaginary friends. I consider some of these men as ''my true fathers,,. Also the relationship between my mother and my father isn't good. But I think I will talk about my immaginary friend in another topic.
Please, help me! Try to answer my questions: Why I wuould like to be a man and to ###$ young boys? Why am I affected from gerontophilia? Why I spend all the time immagining stories between men and boys? Why I like in a ill way moustaches? Why? Why can't I be like the others and I have to suffer so much? Why am I the opposite (in everything not just in sexuality) of what I would like to be?

Thank you all.
PS. Sorry for the errors but I'm italian and I don't write very well in english.

Karamazov_ wrote:If I could be a man, I would be very very happy. The idea of being a man and ######6 a little handsome boy excites me a lot. I hate the way I am, my physical aspect and in my dream I NEVER imagine myself.

Can you say why, exactly, would you like to be a man? Do you mean physically? Do you identify as a woman or not?
Also, how old are the little boys you fantasize about?

Let's see what we got here....we have gerontophilia as you said, but this

Karamazov_ wrote:Why I wuould like to be a man and to ###$ young boys?

sounds like hebephilia (attraction to pubescent children, aged 11-15, approximately).
Not sure about autoandrophilia (which is very different from transsexualism), and this is why I asked you if you're actually a man (if you identify as a man trapped in a woman's body - in that case, it'd be transsexualism).
Please don't confuse transsexualism (gender identity that doesn't match the physical body) with autoandrophilia (a fetish which consists in getting aroused by fantasies of being a man).
From Wikipedia: "autoandrophilia refers to a person assigned female at birth who is sexually aroused by the thought or image of being a man."

Karamazov_ wrote:Why I wuould like to be a man and to ###$ young boys?

You could simply be a transsexual bisexual male, and answering my previous question can help me understand.

Karamazov_ wrote:Why am I affected from gerontophilia?

There is no reason why we're attracted to certain types of people. It's just the way our brain is wired.

Karamazov_ wrote:Why I like in a ill way moustaches?

Sounds like you have a moustache fetish. We can have fetishes about pretty much everything.

Karamazov_ wrote:Why am I the opposite (in everything not just in sexuality) of what I would like to be?

Are you referring to your physical body too here?

ElKahn, thank you for answering.
Well, I know I am a woman but... It's strange. There are some periods in which I feel female and I like ''acting,, as a female. But all the time I think that my life would be better if I could be a man. I mean: if I could choose, I surely would choose to be male. Probably a surgeon with moustache who loves his little prince: protect him, give my whole heart to him. You asked me how old is him (the boy)... Sometimes he is about 13-16 (and sometimes 19) years old. In my stories I completly identify in the man. Sometimes, for exemple if I am with my gay friends, I imagine myself as a boy (or a man, it depends by the physical aspect of my friend) while we are just normally talking. All my friends says that I seems more like a boy than like a girl (not physically just for my behavior and my way to do some things). Probably as a girl I could be satisfacted also with a 12-13 years old girl but I don't know...
Mentally, I'm male. I don't feel good wearing dresses, skirts or make up. I feel male physically, in my behavior. My life is the opposite of what I would be, if I could build another life I would change everything: my aspect, my house, my mind... Everything...

You're welcome, Karamazov.

Well, it seems to me that you're a little bit confused about your identity. You should work on discovering your true self before moving on to analyzing your sexual preferences.

ElKahn wrote:You're welcome, Karamazov.

Well, it seems to me that you're a little bit confused about your identity. You should work on discovering your true self before moving on to analyzing your sexual preferences.

You're right, I thounght what you sayd so many times... I don't know exactly how to discover my true myself because I've so many contrasting characteristics. but I have to...

Non hai paura

It's very common to have fantasies and desires for things that we wouldn't ever let ourselves do but the fact that your sexuality scares you suggests to me that you're a good person who will be fine.

You sound like a fascinating person and I suspect a Freudian would suggest that you're liking of older men and moustaches are your mind trying to compensate for the relationship with your father you've been denied. We all deserve affection from our parents but don't feel sad if your Dad can't see what an interesting person you are.

Maligan12 wrote:Non hai paura

*Non avere paura
Don't be afraid
(I'm Italian too )

Maligan12 wrote:You sound like a fascinating person and I suspect a Freudian would suggest that you're liking of older men and moustaches are your mind trying to compensate for the relationship with your father you've been denied. We all deserve affection from our parents but don't feel sad if your Dad can't see what an interesting person you are.

Good point there. This compensation should be further analyzed by Karamazov.

Maligan12 wrote:Non hai paura

It's very common to have fantasies and desires for things that we wouldn't ever let ourselves do but the fact that your sexuality scares you suggests to me that you're a good person who will be fine.

You sound like a fascinating person and I suspect a Freudian would suggest that you're liking of older men and moustaches are your mind trying to compensate for the relationship with your father you've been denied. We all deserve affection from our parents but don't feel sad if your Dad can't see what an interesting person you are.

Purtroppo io ho tanta paura (Unfortunatly, I'm a lot afraid) .
I hope I will be fine, everyone things that I'm a good person because I smile a lot, I have friends. Some of my friends know about my stories but they don't know that it is an obsession which is going to destroy me. I know, I'm scared, I could damnage someone. Now I'm just a teenager with her normal dreams and aims but... I don't know, really, what could I become. I mean, I can't watch a normal twelve years old boy without starting thinking of his naked young body and a man who ###$ him, or, when I'm in a bad period who rape him.
I thounght also this, that in those man I identify my father but maybe is not true, but I think every ill things in our mind has an input.
Thank you dear, thank you for reading this and for answering. I'm not such an interesting or fascinating person, but thank you for saying this

All the symbols of a sexuality can be very difficult to decode, but one contribution I might be able to make is that it's not uncommon in fetish world for someone to get an erotic boost out of dreaming to BE the type of person they are attracted to. This kind of flip-flop effect is best known with heterosexual men who like to dress in women's clothing, but I've also seen stories of pedophiles who had successful relationships with adults by role-playing being the type of kid they are attracted to. You are totally bivalent this way - you like older men but dream of being one with a younger male, and also, during your masochist period, your main fantasy was sadistic. Generally it's considered that the kick of vulnerabilism (sado-masochism, my own term for it) derives from the vulnerability of the masochist, so I suspect when you fantasized about killing your friend, you partly or mostly thought about yourself being her.

Does any of that sound about right?