Thoughts of being a pedophile? Please read

Hell. I am a new user here, and was wondering if anyone could help me with an extremely stressful subject that has been hindering me for about 6 months. 6-61/2 months ago, I started worrying about the things I was attracted to sexually. I remember that, one day, I just started to worry about it all of a sudden. I had never once thought about it before that day.

Anyways, I went to the store with a friend that day and I just looked at this girl's legs, I don't remember if it was specifically in a sexual fashion or not. I may have just looked. But almost right after I looked, I felt this instant feeling of being a pedophile. She looked to be about 11 or 12, and I would have been 18 at the time. The whole day I was a zombie. That night (which I had wish I'd never done) I tested myself over a couple things on the internet, but not cp.

Anyways, I did not get any kind of erection, so I moved up in age. I should not that I've tested more than I can remember now. I had never before had any attraction to children of that age, and still to this day don't truly know whether I do or not. The day after the first time of testing myself, I felt awful and went to my friend's house and cried for a while there, and he assured me I could not be a pedophile. That calmed me down, but it just continued on anyways.

Within the next day to two days, I was back in anxiety again. The stress of it all comes and goes. For a while, it would be gone for some weeks (it would still be somewhere in my head but I just didn't worry about it constantly), and then for some other amount of weeks, it would come back and things would be bad again. But for about the past week or two, it has been nothing but grief.

I have done a decent amount of testing on myself in this time. I can't tell if I truly get aroused over children of these ages. When I test, no matter what, I always think of a female that I find attractive that is near my age, or older, or that has older looking features. One question I do have is this-If I test over the people of those ages, do you think that my mind could actually be thinking about the girls of my age or older, even when I'm focusing on the girls that are younger?

This is something that boggles my brain. One thing I should mention here is that I have a foot fetish, and I may have a thing for legs, I'm not sure. Anyways, some girls that are younger, can have these parts of them that look older than they really are. But I do not have any urge to have sexual intercourse with those kids. I may think that a part of them is attractive looking, but 98 times out of 100, it's mostly for feet because of the fetish.

But what I have come to find is that legs look much older on these young females, at least to me. But I'm also thinking that I probably used to be able to tell a difference in older women's legs and kids, but the idea of being this person is distorting my view of things? Just a theory, not saying it's not possible that I'm not one. I worry every day now about this too. It's here from the time I get up in the morning to the time I go down for bed (if I can sleep, because of this).

It has hindered everything else in my life. Also, I have had depression from about 12 on. My dad and I live together and have an absolutely awful relationship. He sells my stuff and takes it for himself. He lies and cheats me. I will also add that back about this time last year, I met a girl who lived about an hour away from me, from an online dating site. Things were very, very rough when we started talking and then we got into a relationship and I saw her every Saturday for about three months. She broke up with me and I didn't particularly feel like I minded, because the relationship was rough the whole way through. I did have a bit of love for her though, even though the circumstances.

After she broke up with me, about a week later, she messaged me and she wanted to get back together, so I agreed. She broke up with me again about a week or two later. It wasn't long after this that these feelings started up within me. For some reason it hurt me more the second time she broke up with me. About two weeks after that breakup, I saw, via Facebook, that she got into a relationship with another guy, which of course hurt badly as well. I'll also note that I'm a small guy for my age. I haven't developed too much. I'm probably about 5 '3 or '4. I'm also thinking that this may be another reason for this? I am aware of POCD, but I have never officially been diagnosed with OCD myself, although I have been known to touch something with both hands, straighten things up, small stuff like that.

I did go the doctor about this but they don't know all the details really, at least not yet. Something else that I've wondered about is, don't pedophiles tend to look for kids, or try to be around them and want to have relationships with them, even romantically? That's what some say, but I don't know for sure (if any pedophiles read this, comments on how you think would be nice, if possible). I've also wondered that, is it about what you CAN masturbate over, or whether you do it or not? I'm sorry if that sounds stupid, but I just don't know. This is just the absolute worst thing I've ever tried to deal with. Anyways, what are your opinions on this? I apologize for the extensive length of this, but I just wanted to try to work in every detail here. If you have any questions for me, I will answer them for you.

Thanks a bunch.

I think you sound typically POCD.

People with a real attraction don't need to 'test' themselves. That really is a classic symptom of POCD.

Do a bit of reading on OCDs in general. It's not all about straightening the curtains etc. Check up on anxiety as well.

@Graveyard76-I just read up on OCD and will read up on anxiety as well. I probably have it but I still need to find out from a doctor for sure. I appreciate the reply

I was also going to say that I wonder if there is some OCD and anxiety going on for you. I am not here as a professional and cant say that for sure but that is how your post reads to me. It might be worth visiting the OCD forum for a read to see if posts there resonate with you at all.

Take good care

Cracked

Anxiety is definitely a big catalyst for OCDs. I've never had anything like POCD myself, but I have a few minor OCDs about the home, and they definitely intensify when my anxiety levels go up. They're a good warning sign actually.

Something for Grav3Robb3r to look into. It could be very helpful elsewhere, if anxiety is playing its tricks here.

@CrackedGirl/@Graveyard76-I've been to this site and read posts more times than I can remember, checking for reassurance on the issue. I still need to read more about OCD, but a fair amount of the aspects of it apply to me, and from what I got through last night about anxiety, applied as well. Today, however, I don't feel so awful as I was feeling. I don't completely believe that there is a god, but maybe, if there is, he is helping me through the struggle. In any case, much obliged for the replies given, and later I will read more on anxiety, and wait for my doctor's appointment and tell them these things too

I hope things go well for you Grav3Robb3r

And def anxiety can really feed into things Graveyard

Cracked

@CrackedGirl-Thanks. I was at a friend's house a little while and I sort of freaked out on him and I used this as an excuse. I still feel bad, but I'm going to try to just keep going on. I appreciate the support, it means a lot.

Grav3Robb3r wrote:@CrackedGirl-Thanks. I was at a friend's house a little while and I sort of freaked out on him and I used this as an excuse. I still feel bad, but I'm going to try to just keep going on. I appreciate the support, it means a lot.

You are welcome for the support- sounds like you are in a difficult place atm. I think trying to keep going is a good plan tho

Cracked

@CrackedGirl-Yeah, things are really tough right now just hope that I can find out an answer on this either way from a doctor so I can move on from there. But one of the worst things is not knowing the REAL truth about it