Will it always be like this???

First before I start writing my post I want to know if it's ok that I talk about my abuse here even though this forum is for paraphilias? I tried to talk to some people in the Sexual Abuse and Incest Forum yesterday and I tried being supportive in PMs that I sent, but two people got really freaked out because I guess they looked up my posts and found out I was a pedophile and one of the people just said not to message him anymore and the other person totally went crazy on me and criticized me and said I was a "disgusting sicko perv" and to not PM her again or she would report me to a moderator. I was kind of heartbroken because I was trying to support and encouraging her. I didn't say anything bad or insult her. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’m a victim of abuse too and I’ve never hurt a little kid and I never would hurt one.

Do you guys (and girls) think anything is going to change the way the world views us? It’s demoralizing for me to think about the future and that I’m only 17 now and if people are still going to want to kill me when I’m 25 or 45. I don’t want to live under a lifetime of fear and have to live a double life and pretend to be someone I’m not around some people and then myself around other people. It’s too hard to always have to watch everything I say and to worry about the consequences if those certain people find out how I truly feel. I just want to be myself and feel safe and loved for being myself. Do any of you think there will come a time in the world where people can look at us and not just automatically assume we’re monsters that they need to protect their children from?

I’m no different from anybody else. If you cut me I bleed. If you hurt my heart I cry. If you compliment me I smile. If you annoy me with sarcasm I roll my eyes. I like the feeling of being loved and I want to love someone. I don’t want to fall in a trap of spending my life with someone and having to hide and keep secrets. I want to be valued for me. I have a big heart and I care about people and I’m emotional and sensitive. I want somebody to hang onto and feel safe in their arms and know they will never leave me or betray me. I want a life partner to always be real with me and to never hide and keep secrets from me.

It’s like people just see the word pedophile and that’s all they need to know. They won’t even give us two minutes to explain ourselves, because if they did I don’t know how or why they couldn’t understand. I would show them that I’m not different than anyone who loves a man or a woman. It’s actually a lot harder for people like us because we have no way of showing our love. They just see us as the kind of people I was raised by, but they don’t know that I could never do to any child what was done to me. I just want to fall in love with a little boy, and “love” isn’t painful and it doesn’t ruin anybody’s life. Love doesn’t make anybody feel dirty or afraid or invaluable. I think the world is so filled with hate because people don’t know how to love and when someone like me wants to show how you’re supposed to love, we get stepped on and thrown out with the garbage. We are judged for being good.

I didn’t ask to be a pedophile. I didn’t make a wish before blowing out my birthday candles to be something that I know pretty much everybody on the planet hates. But what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to lie? I don’t want to do that. Lying about who I am and how I feel just seems to be the worst possible outcome I can think of, and besides I would think that people would want the truth just like I want the truth about who they are and what they like and love. I want people to look and say “there goes that guy who treats everybody nice and you can trust him and he wouldn’t ever hurt anybody.”

When I see a cute little boy I find attractive I don’t think about hurting him or making him cry. That would totally hurt me and make me cry. I think about what it would be like to hug him and be close to him and make him smile and feel love and affection. I think about how good he would feel inside knowing that I’m there to protect him and I’d trade my life in a second if it spared him even the littlest amount of pain.

I don’t believe that children can consent to sex either. I don’t tell myself or anyone else that no matter how gentle sex would be that it wouldn’t hurt a little boy, because I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that children are prepared for sex or even know what it is and how it feels and the way it could effect them their whole lives. I don’t tell myself that he would enjoy it because I can’t justify what I want to be more important than what he wants and should feel. I dream of making love to a little boy and kissing his entire body and holding him close to me and feeling his heart beat against my chest and his breath on my neck and the smoothness of his lips, but dreams have to stay in my head, because they don’t hurt anyone there. I don’t have to worry if I messed up a precious little boy because of a fantasy I have inside my own head.

I actually hope those people who freaked out on me yesterday will read this post and realize that I’m not a monster and I don’t want to hurt anybody. I’m a victim too and I think I have a lot of experiences during the abuse and since I got away from the abuse that might be able to help them and me. I know what it’s like to suffer and if I could do something to ease their pain I would. I have a big fat heart for abuse survivors because I am one and I know what a gigantic challenge it is to try living life when you constantly have the memories of what happened always in your head and the horrible times when you feel like you’re still being abused when anxiety attacks us and we get really scared. I can be there for other survivors and we can work out things together.

I’m wondering if any pedophiles here are married and your spouses know about your pedophilia? Do they freak or do they still love you? Do you have any children and how do you avoid the temptation? I personally don’t think I would ever hurt my own, even though I know I would never hurt any child ever, it just seems like even more evil to hurt your own flash and blood, or at least it does to me because I know so well the sadness of having parents and relatives that did a lot of stuff to me and it’s like opposite because those people were supposed to love me and protect me most.

Thanks for reading! CrayonSuperhero

I have to say the same has happened to me today with someone I was helping and he just freaked out and said I was gross and wrong no matter what. Its overwhelming the strong hatred people have for us even if they are aware we are getting help to make ourselves better.

Society today see's or hears the word "pedophile" and immediately think we are all child molesters and rapists with no regard to children what so ever or show no actual love or compassion for children. Sometimes I see no hope in people who do not see that this is not something we can just turn off and I am sure most think that this is just a choice but its not. None of us have asked or chose to be who we are. It really upsets me that despite trying to become better in ourselves people ignore that and just focus on that horrible word that brands us all the same.

Sadly I do not see a day coming in my lifetime where people would listen rather than leap to judgment. That woman who threatened to report you to a mod should take a closer look at this forum because it quite clearly states this forum is for everyone with anything and if she does not like it, she should go somewhere else.

I know the feeling all to well pretending to be just this normal person with no problem at all but at times I just want to scream because it hurts, we should not have to fear what others are going to say or worse do just because of their small mindedness. This forum is one of a very few places we can go which helps us but also keeps us safe and yet even here we still get people like that.

All we, I want is to be able to have a life, I will never fall in love and spend the rest of my days with that special someone, I will never adopt which was something really close to my heart, have my own children or will ever have a proper life.

My heart and hand go out to you, especially my heart. Life is tougher than what we may have thought but know that I am always here for you.

Tulula.

To be perfectly honest? No, I don't. Not anytime soon anyway. Put simply,society has always had a scapegoat. In the U.S., first it was Colored People and Women, then it was homosexuals, now it's pedophiles, and something tells me it's going to stay that way for awhile, mainly because this one is significantly more controversial than the other two. Still, it pisses me off that people won't take two minutes to tell the difference between pro and anti-contact pedophiles.

(Me too. I hate it when anti-contacts get attacked for things we pro-contacts say. Sorry guys. )

And for official record I personally have noproblem with you posting your story here, and neither does Levi.

I am on this forum more for Cognitive Disorders, but was browsing the sexual section because I find it interesting and thought id comment on your post.


The way I see it, I myself don't understand how an adult can be sexually attracted to a child, but it seems that a small minority are and I believe that people can be born this way, just as homosexuals can be born to find people of their own sex attractive.

My view is, I don't have anything against people who have sexual interest in children SO LONG AS they don't act on it, we all have to control our impulses in life and persons under the age of around 15-16 should be doing ANYTHING sexual with ANYONE.

Register wrote:I am on this forum more for Cognitive Disorders, but was browsing the sexual section because I find it interesting and thought id comment on your post.


The way I see it, I myself don't understand how an adult can be sexually attracted to a child, but it seems that a small minority are and I believe that people can be born this way, just as homosexuals can be born to find people of their own sex attractive.

My view is, I don't have anything against people who have sexual interest in children SO LONG AS they don't act on it, we all have to control our impulses in life and persons under the age of around 15-16 should be doing ANYTHING sexual with ANYONE.

It is great that despite not understanding the how's or why's but understand that this is not something of a choice and I do quite agree with you, such as myself I do believe I was just born the person I am. There has been nothing that could or would lead me down this path in my life so for me I do believe to be born the way I am.

Sadly not everyone is as forgiving as you are, you know why we are here and you can see that we are actively seeking help and I understand not everyone in the world will see that but they could at least hear us out and just say "thats fine, I do not like it but you are doing everything you can" I think if more people where like that then even more people would step forward for help and support.

Tulula.

When I first discovered these forums I had not heard the term "paraphilia" before, and so I used the terms "fetish" and "kink" to describe my exclusive non-consensual masochistic/sadistic sexuality. It never occurred to me previously that my tendencies had anything in common with pedophilia, but once I started educating myself about paraphilias and reading stories here, I have started to better understand the depth and complexity of human sexuality.

The current social stigma against pedophilia is unlikely to change drastically anytime soon, but I still think there are smaller ways to slowly improve education and awareness. I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever, but coming to terms with my own paraphilia has given me tremendous understanding and compassion for others who struggle with their own inability to act upon their desires. My wife and I have talked a lot about pedophilia, in addition to my own paraphilia, and we have both become more aware of how the terms "pedophile" and "child molester" are often incorrectly interchanged in conversation. I'm sure I'll get funny looks if/when I try to correct someone's use of these terms and explain better definitions, but I don't really care. Perhaps as more and more people are able to come to terms with their own paraphilias, then this might help to remove some of the taboo around an honest discussion of pedophilia.

Register wrote:persons under the age of around 15-16 should be doing ANYTHING sexual with ANYONE.

I don't quite agree but admire the sentiment of freedom.

CrayonSuperhero wrote:Do you guys (and girls) think anything is going to change the way the world views us?

Yes. Absolutely yes.

We live in a progressive world. Each generation is more accepting of things the previous generation found taboo. It was unspeakable for a woman to work, choose her own mate, or be anything but a man's property. Now we've gone so far that there are discussions of how to preserve MEN'S rights while we continue to help women gain equal ground.

I absolutely believe there will be a day when paraphilia is not something society frowns upon. But it's going to take a while. As of now, they don't even have a decent movie on the subject. I don't know if it will happen in my lifetime or not (I'm 25), but it could. Maybe that's a possibility, that we'll get to see the first steps.

But someday? Barring the ever-present threat of global nuclear holocaust, Absolutely.