So confused!! Help

I usually never have any attraction kids or teenagers. My sexual deviancy ranges from exhibtionistism to voyeurism.... But just 3 days ago I saw something that shocked me, and sorry to say aroused me. My girlfriend has a 13 year old sister. Her sister is very short and one would think she is only 10-11 because she is so small. I have never been attracted to her not in any kind of way whatsoever. Anyways to shorten the story, my girlfriends sister stayed with us the entire weekend. On Saturday night my girlfriend went to bed early because she had a headache, I stayed up watching college football, and my girlfriends sister was in the computer room playing games so I thought. I went to grab another beer when I realized the computer room door was shut, and I heard moaning like someone was watching porn.. It was really loud for a second then I could barley hear it. I was confused and I didn't not know what to do. I went outside to peek into my own apartment window(I feel bad for doing this) because I was to nervous and scared to open my own door. When I looked into the window through cracks in the blinds I saw my girlfriends sister masturbating to porn. I was shocked considering how childish she acts and she is 13. I felt so shocked, but I was also becoming aroused at what I was seeing... I watched her until she had an orgasm and everything. I feel horrible but I couldn't stop myself from watching. Now I cannot quit thinking about what I saw, I feel sexually attracted to her now. Have I become a pedophile ?? I never had feelings for a kid like this... Now when I see other teenagers I can't quit thinking about what they do when they are alone. I feel crazy and like the biggest pervert in the world. I think I might be and I'm not happy about it. Does this incident make me a pedophile? Has it triggered more to my deviancy?

I'm sorry to have to say this to you, but personally I feel like I have to. You should not have watched her! I think you invaded her privacy. She thought she was alone and she had the door to the room closed for a reason. If I was her and I found out you were spying on me during a time when I thought I was in the privacy of a room with the door closed I would be totally freaked and I would freak out on you!

I admit to being a pedophile, but I'm also a survivor of sexual abuse and as much as I'm attracted to kids I would NEVER do anything to hurt them and that includes spying on them.

Maybe I'm being judgmental but it's hard to react any other way when somebody does something like you did. I hope you never do that again and you learn to respect the privacy of other people. The issue is not what she was doing with herself privately. The issue is why you thought you had the right to watch her.

Ugh......

I understand about the whole privacy issue... I have never touched a child or done anything sexual with a child... The thing is though I felt like it was my apartment, it would be different if she was in the bathroom, or in the guest room. My computer room door is never shut, and the reason why I went to look in the first place is because I wanted to be wrong so bad... But I was right I did hear porn coming from my computer room. When I checked through window I saw something shocking. Yes I admit it was wrong I watched the whole thing, I should have stopped... But technically it's my apartment, and I wouldn't expect my girlfriends sister to be masturbating in my pretty much work office. As I said it would have been different if it were the bathroom or guest room. I know it was wrong, but I did not hurt anyone. No one even knows that I saw what I saw.

Oh and by the way, being a voyeur or an exhibitionist or a pedophile doesn't make one a deviant! Maybe you think of yourself that way, but that's not how I feel about me.

It's like describing someone as a deviant because they are heterosexual or homosexual, or because they like pear trees and yellow-colored roses.

If you truly want to know the actual meaning of deviancy, introduce yourself to my parents because they're experts! Go read my first post and you'll see what I mean.

I'm a pedophile, but not a deviant child abuser. I'm gay, but not a deviant rapist.

Being a pedophile and being gay doesn't make me anything at all. They're just small aspects among so many others that make up me.

-- Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:49 am --

Marc166 wrote:I understand about the whole privacy issue... I have never touched a child or done anything sexual with a child... The thing is though I felt like it was my apartment, it would be different if she was in the bathroom, or in the guest room. My computer room door is never shut, and the reason why I went to look in the first place is because I wanted to be wrong so bad... But I was right I did hear porn coming from my computer room. When I checked through window I saw something shocking. Yes I admit it was wrong I watched the whole thing, I should have stopped... But technically it's my apartment, and I wouldn't expect my girlfriends sister to be masturbating in my pretty much work office. As I said it would have been different if it were the bathroom or guest room. I know it was wrong, but I did not hurt anyone. No one even knows that I saw what I saw.

I bet if you tell the cops "it's my apartment" I don't think they'd care. Besides if you think it's your apartment and you're entitled to do anything in it and go anywhere you want in it, why didn't you just open the door to see what was going on? Why would you allow a 13yr old guest to make you go outside to peak through the window blinds to check what was going on?

Give me a break! Are you serious? You're trying to justify what you did and I'm not going to let you!

I know it was wrong as I have admitted.. The reason why I did not open the door because I was not sure what she was doing in there. It is my apartment, and if I had opened the door and caught her in the middle of masturbating, I'm sure that would have been awkward for us both and possibly traumatic for her. Maybe I didn't think logically at that moment, but I do have a problem with voyeurism so yea I did not control myself... I'm by No means perfect and it's ok for you to judge me as you like. I'm here for help and if judgement helps then so be it.

OK, Marc, I can empathize with you here.

In your other thread you talked about how much you enjoyed violating someone's privacy and how you voluntarily had multiple sexual encounters with other boys as well as exposing yourself to them in spite of you implying that you are heterosexual.

I know it was because of having no other more desirable sexual partner but it does show that that sexual pleasure can be derived from the act itself and the context in which it occurs even if there is zero attraction to the individual involved.

However, we must draw a distinction between physical pleasure and arousal from an idea. Again, you enjoy the act of violating someone's privacy, to overstep a barrier that one is forbidden from crossing. Here we not only have the borders of someone's privacy but the sacrosanctity of a child. You mentioned how you thought that young girls were not interested in sex. Even if you know on a conscious level know that this is not always the case, it is probably ingrained in your mind (by your own experience or social norms or both) that a 13 year old girl is an asexual being and any association with or exposure to sexuality is unthinkable.

Now here we have incontrovertible proof that a little girl can indeed experience sexual pleasure by her own agency and I would guess that seeing her do something that she would get into trouble for while you yourself are doing something that you feel guilty of doing and have gained sexual satisfaction from in the past gave you a sense of kinship with her. A secret exposure to the sins of another and thus you felt less alone in your own kinks. Intimacy is often arousing even on a more spiritual level.

Additionally, I personally find something very stimulating in the notion of a sexualized child due to the stigma and the sheer incongruity of it so that was probably pretty hot too.

The sight of other teens probably just reminds you of the experience. The thought of what they get up to when that matter is so forbidden to you, I think, is just another dimension to your fetish for crossing boundaries.

In short: no, I do not think you are likely to be a pedophile. Just imagine a comely child you're seen recently and think: if they were just a young looking adult you were married to would you find anything arousing about the situation? In any case, do you think that a candid photo of a naked child would be something you could masturbate too even with appealing adult images available?

At worst, you're a pseudopedophile, but I think it's far more likely you're just getting off from the implications of child sexuality within the cultural context of your society rather than any preference for the physiology or personality traits of a child. Just like how you were aroused by exposing yourself to your male friends not the boys themselves.

You needn't worry. Take care and just focus on your current issues. If your as guilty as you say you are then you're on the tract to improvement. Try not to dwell to much on the abuse you may get here. Knee-jerk reactions and all.

I'm rooting for you.

-- Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:33 pm --

CrayonSuperhero wrote:I'm sorry to have to say this to you, but personally I feel like I have to. You should not have watched her! I think you invaded her privacy. She thought she was alone and she had the door to the room closed for a reason. If I was her and I found out you were spying on me during a time when I thought I was in the privacy of a room with the door closed I would be totally freaked and I would freak out on you!

I admit to being a pedophile, but I'm also a survivor of sexual abuse and as much as I'm attracted to kids I would NEVER do anything to hurt them and that includes spying on them.

Maybe I'm being judgmental but it's hard to react any other way when somebody does something like you did. I hope you never do that again and you learn to respect the privacy of other people. The issue is not what she was doing with herself privately. The issue is why you thought you had the right to watch her.

Ugh......

OK, comrade, cool it. He expressed regret and it is unproductive criticise to deconstructively.

Are you a pedophile? No, I do not believe you are, I think what it was with you was just merely the act that was going on and I also do think that your voyeurism and exhibitionism played a role in your excitement. But what I think you need to ask yourself is to what exactly made you stay and continue to watch her, baring in mind her age. It is normal for people that age to explore themselves and at times people even younger explore their sexual side.

It is understandable that you would want to know what was going on but once you realized what was going on you should have left and you know that, thats why you feel the way you do. Now the shock I can get because some who appears more childlike in nature it could come as shock to find they are actually more adult than they appear. I remember myself being young and masturbating when I was caught in the middle of the act by my mum and instinctively she turned around upon seeing what was going on, why do you think you did not do that?

The part that does concern me the most is to why you feel sexually attracted to her? As well as the way you see teenagers out and about. I see my friends and their children some are in the teenage years and it is a safe bet to assume they are in some way sexually active but thats not what I immediately think of when seeing them if that makes sense.

If she stays over again and you find yourself watching her more closely than you normally would, especially if she goes in to that room again then you need to take yourself away and out of the situation. Honestly though I do not think you are a pedophile, more that your sexual aspects played a part in watching her. If you do find yourself doing the above then you may need to ask yourself some questions to why.

I wish you the best.

Tulula.

-- Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:33 pm --

CrayonSuperhero wrote:I'm sorry to have to say this to you, but personally I feel like I have to. You should not have watched her! I think you invaded her privacy. She thought she was alone and she had the door to the room closed for a reason. If I was her and I found out you were spying on me during a time when I thought I was in the privacy of a room with the door closed I would be totally freaked and I would freak out on you!

I admit to being a pedophile, but I'm also a survivor of sexual abuse and as much as I'm attracted to kids I would NEVER do anything to hurt them and that includes spying on them.

Maybe I'm being judgmental but it's hard to react any other way when somebody does something like you did. I hope you never do that again and you learn to respect the privacy of other people. The issue is not what she was doing with herself privately. The issue is why you thought you had the right to watch her.

Ugh......

OK, comrade, cool it. He expressed regret and it is unproductive criticise to deconstructively.[/quote]

If you had read crayonsuperhero's posts you would realise how badly he was abused so his response was pretty much expected, so give the guy a break. He is expressing his opinion and is as entitled as you or anyone else, in fact as someone who identify's as a paedophile and someone who has been abused he can see if from both sides in different ways.

But your advice to the OP was all good and well meant.