Introducing Myself

Hello. My name is Daniel. I want to be a part of this forum so I can be around people who are the way I am. It’s taken a really long time and a lot of loneliness for me to finally build up enough courage to register here. I just turned 17 on the 21st of this month. I also just started 11th grade this month too. I’m a very friendly and caring person, and I’m considerate and respectful of people, unless they disrespect me and then I just ignore and stay away from them. I don’t like to argue or fight and I’m not much good at either anyway. I’m also gay. I’m also a pedophile. I like guys my age too. My attractions get kind of weird though, so I’m not even sure if I am gay or bi or what. I like guys my age and older. I also like little boys and girls. Girls I like are from 0-9 and boys from about 3+ (OMG!! Those words are still so hard to type and even say to myself… much harder to say out loud.)

I don’t know what caused me to be a pedophile. Maybe I was born like this or maybe not. I have had a very chaotic life so far. I was sexually abused by four adult family members from the age of “whenever.” Basically, I don’t remember exactly what age I was when the abuse began, I just always remember it happening to me. I was the last of three children born to truly horrible, and quite possibly, the worst parents in world history. On a daily basis, I was abused physically, sexually, and psychologically from as early as any memory I have and it continued until I was 13. I was also abused in these ways by my mother’s two brothers. I spent all of that period of time feeling like dirt, and as if I had no self-worth as a human being, and instead I was only alive to reluctantly let these people use and abuse my body, mind, and soul. I have forever felt like my body was covered in a disgusting slime that I can never wash away, and I’ll always feel and view myself as nothing more significant than garbage.

I endured daily molestation and rapes from the people I thought were supposed to love me, care for me, respect me, and protect me. I endured beatings with open hands, clenched fists, belts and power cords, switches and other objects. I was bitten on, burned, and neglected with poor nutrition and tattered clothes. I lived in a desolate, small farming town. I didn’t have friends or anybody to call upon for help. I was alone and I was always lonely. I don’t have any memories of dreaming of a better life, because I believed there wasn’t anything better and life would always be one way for me – that way! I believe other adults may have been involved in abusing me, but because of physical trauma I sustained I have memory loss. I have had and will always have learning disabilities from physical abuse. Other children were present during the periods of my own abuse and they were abused too.

I’m 4’3”, about 55 to 60-lbs. (I was also born with a genetic growth disorder, probably due to my parent’s use of alcohol and drugs. It’s not dwarfism and I’m NOT a freak either. My body is proportional. I’ve been called a freak so much in my life but I’m just like everybody else, just smaller. But I have a big fat heart!) I was never big enough to fight back. When I was being assaulted at home, I was being bullied and beaten by classmates or neighbor kids, who nicknamed me “feminine freak” because of the way I presented myself to them. I didn’t try to be feminine in any way, I was just being me. Even teachers joined in with the gangs of teen thugs. No matter where I was or who I was with, it didn’t matter much, because I was always made to feel like a crummy piece of sh…t. I thought a lot about suicide, but feared if my method failed how badly my father would beat me afterwards.

When I was 13 & ½ I was removed from living with my parents, because they weren’t fit to care for children. The understatement of a lifetime! (It’s difficult for me to talk about all the reasons they cited and it’s a much longer story than I want of my first post here anyway.) I was in a group home in foster care for almost a month when I found out I had a half-sister I never knew about. She was my father’s first born and she lived with her mom her entire life. (Lucky her!) She was 36 then (40 now) and she was a widowed mom of two daughters. (Her husband was a soldier in the Marines and he was killed in Afghanistan in 2009. My sister tells me about him and tells me he would’ve loved me so much. He sounds like he was a great person. I wish I could’ve known him.) To make a long story shorter, she adopted me and I’ve been living with her ever since. She’s the nicest person I’ve ever known in my entire life, and the best part is that she loves me. I mean she really, really, really loves me, and that feels so good too.

My sister is also a clinical psychologist. (Which means that she’s a whole lot smarter than I’ll ever be lol) Anyway after about 2 months of me living with her, she asked me if I was gay and I told her I thought I was. She said it was fine and nothing I should be ashamed of. She was/is so easy to talk to and she listened to me and supported me and I never had anybody care about me like that before, and it felt really good, but really different in a way I can’t really explain. So I told her about all the abuse. It was really hard for me to get it out, but when I did and I saw she wasn’t mad at me and she didn’t think I deserved it and I wasn’t a horrible person, I just felt really sad because I wished she could’ve been my mom from the beginning.

I started seeing a therapist to talk about what happened to me and some parts of my life started getting a little easier. But I was still hanging on to another secret and I swore to myself that I’d never tell anybody and I’d do anything to make sure my sister and anybody else didn’t find out about it. Then when I was about a couple months past 15, she called me to her bedroom to talk. She kind of tossed her words around before she finally asked me if I have sexual attractions for kids like the adults had for me. I was so sure my new much better life was over and she’d probably send me back to foster care and they’d send me back to my parents. I’m always scared somehow somebody’s going to make me go back there. I have the worst nightmares about that happening. Then she said she’d still love me no matter what and it’s not uncommon for abuse survivors to grow up to have the same feelings their abusers had for them. I told her, no I didn’t feel that way.

I lied.

I spent a few weeks feeling so bad about lying to my sister. She deserved the truth from me. She took me in and treated me like an equal. She never hurt me or touched me in any perverted way. She bought me new clothes and a mountain bike. We had a real Christmas and I got presents!! We sat up late on the weekends and talked about cute guys. She did all this for me, and I felt so guilty that I lied to her. So in the car one day coming home from my therapist appointment I asked her to pull over because I had something to tell her. I told her that I do have those attractions and that I was very sure I was a pedophile because I researched it a lot on the internet and I also read posts from members on this forum. I said I hated myself because now I was just like them and I deserve to be misery and unwanted and alone forever. We both cried for a while, but she hugged me and she said it doesn’t change the way she feels about me and how much she loves and cares for me and we would figure it out together. I told her I would never do anything to any child like what was done to me. I told her that I loved her daughters and I care for them so much and I would never hurt them or want them to feel anything of what I’ve felt in my life, because it’s the worst kind of thing, especially when I could finally realize that I didn’t deserve to be abused and that I should’ve been loved. She asked if I was attracted to my little nieces (her daughters)… “eeeeek!” I wasn’t going to lie to her ever again. I said I was, but I would never do anything horrible to them. She said she knows I wouldn’t.

So I’ve come pretty far I think and I can acknowledge that the grass if definitely greener on the other side of the fence. I am dealing with a problem right now though. My best friend is a girl named Alexis. She’s 18 and lives with her younger brother and parents. She also knows I’m a pedophile. I didn’t tell her. She kind of overheard me talking to my sister, but she wasn’t eavesdropping or anything like that, it was just lousy timing. Anyway she accepted me too and said we’re still best friends. The problem is though, she was writing me an email at the beginning of the summer and her little brother read it while she walked away from her computer and her little brother went around telling his friends and gossiping in the neighborhood. I feel like I have a target on my back lately and I stay in the house mostly and only go out with Alexis or my sister. I don’t know what I’m going to do. People yell at me that I deserve to die and I should just kill myself. I tried denying it, but they won’t let it go. I haven’t been beat up yet, but I have been pushed and shoved around and chased home by some kids at school and around my neighborhood. Everything was going good until this happened and I think my sister is frustrated about it too, and now I feel like I caused her problems because of my whole stupid life. What am I supposed to do? I go outside and if any neighbors see me they tell their kids to come closer to their houses or inside the house. I’m not going to hurt any kids!!! I swear I wouldn’t ever do anything like that!!!

I guess I’m going to stop for now, because I’m getting upset. I’ve been learning about “triggers” from my therapist and I should try changing the subject or get up and get busy to get my mind off something before it gets to me and panics me.

Well if you read all this, thank you for reading it! Thank you to all of you who have the courage to talk about this somewhere, because it helps and comforts me to know I’m not alone. I want to make friends with anybody I can here if anybody wants to become friends with me. I need to know I’ve got some kind of purpose in life and that I’m not garbage.

See ya,

Daniel

You aren't even close to garbage, you are really courageous. You are very lucky to have an awesome sister like that, who understands what you are going through, and is willing to help you in a non-judgmental way.

Don't listen to what other people say about you. They have no idea what you have been through, and even if they did it still wouldn't matter. I think the true mark of success is the adversity that one has overcome in their life. In this way, you are more successful than the vast majority of people.

I admire you.

Wow your story is incredibly moving, and also incredibly heartbreaking. Nobody should have to go through the horrible things you went through, and I'm so glad to hear you didn't let those people destroy you. It's so great that you finally have a family that loves you and wants what's best for you you really deserve it.

Anyways, welcome to the forum! It's a very accepting community. Everyone here is very helpful and very supportive. You can always be yourself here. Oh, and I'm 17 too! And I'm also into boys 3+... well actually 3-10 (and don't worry it all gets easier to talk about lol). If you ever wanna talk, feel free to PM me

Thank you for saying that. I need to hear it. I don't know if I have courage or not, because I think if I truly had courage then I would've spoke up about what was being done to me a long time ago. There just wasn't a lot of people around in my life back then to talk to and truthfully, I was scared to death of my father finding out. He wasn't a nice person, at least not to me anyway. I always kind of dreamed someday that somebody bigger and stronger would bully him and hurt him and that would be justice for me.

I have a really difficult time feeling good about myself. Sometimes I do feel good about myself, but mostly I don't. It's like constantly a conflict in my mind and I argue with myself about what's bad and good about me. I don't see a lot of good about me, but I want to be better. I want to be a good person like my sister is and my best friend is. I dream that maybe someday I can be the kind of man that my sister's husband was, because he seems like he was such a hero.

Thanks for your nice comment though Ressentiment. It made me cry, but not in a bad way.

Daniel

I am so sorry to hear your story of what you had to endure, it just makes unbelievable reading that anyone could be that cruel to a child especially parents who are supposed to nurture and protect their own children. Sadly there are lot of people who don't deserve to have children let alone animals to look after.

You are not garbage or anything else like that at all, your problems in life make my own problems I worried about pail into insignificance.

So thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking personal story.

Hi Daniel,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. It sounds horrific, but you've survived it all. That takes strength of character. You are, of course, very welcome to post here, but there is also an Abuse section on this forum if you feel the need for additional support.

One word of caution: you've provided a lot of information that could result in someone tracking you down. I've tracked down two people on this forum, not as a stalker but purely because I enjoy puzzles/sleuthing and because it's probably good that they realize they can be tracked down from very little information. And I tracked them down on a lot less information than you've provided in that one post.

Why do you want to track me down? I didn't do anything to you. I'll tell somebody you know!!

CrayonSuperhero wrote:Why do you want to track me down? I didn't do anything to you. I'll tell somebody you know!!

Ctithe actually does have a good point. There are a lot of people out there who really hate pedophiles, even innocent ones. Not to mention, this site has been infiltrated by police at least once that I've heard of. Law enforcement most likely views/has viewed this site on occasion. It's just a good idea to stay as anonymous as possible, even if you're not doing anything wrong.

I'm not interested in tracking you down. To be honest, it might be far too easy compared to my normal sleuthing. Your height, the marine killed in 2009 (317 American military personnel killed that year, how many were marines), your sister's occupation, your age... I'm just putting out a sensible warning, that's all.

I understand. I took your reply a different way, but after some private messages from other members I now understand that you're just looking out for me. Thank you!

Maybe that's not my real name, or my best friend's real name. Maybe I changed our names slightly for my post. Maybe my sister's husband was in the Navy. I don't know how I'm going to get around my sister's occupation though lol, but maybe she's urologist lol.

My physique and age were important to share in my post because it's part of explaining myself and how and why the way my life has been. My sister read what I wrote before I posted it and she felt it was ok. She did change a few things to keep it a little more private though.

It feels nice knowing people care about me enough to keep me safe, so thanks again!

I'm still trying to learn about computes and the internet. I've only been on the internet for less than 2 years. My parents had computers but I wasn't ever allowed to use them. So I appreciate people here trying to help me out and warn me about whatever, because you all know a lot more about computers and the internet than I do since you've probably all are experienced more than me.

Thanks again for looking out for me. That's another reason I want to be a part of this community.

CrayonSuperhero