Introducing Myself

CrayonSuperhero wrote:(OMG!! Those words are still so hard to type and even say to myself… much harder to say out loud.)

I definately know that feeling. It took ages before I felt safe saying, "I'm a pedophile. I like girls from 0-10." to an empty room in an empty house.

CrayonSuperhero wrote:I said I hated myself because now I was just like them and I deserve to be misery and unwanted and alone forever.

If you wouldn't say things like that about me, don't say them about yourself.

CrayonSuperhero wrote:The problem is though, she was writing me an email at the beginning of the summer and her little brother read it while she walked away from her computer and her little brother went around telling his friends and gossiping in the neighborhood. I feel like I have a target on my back lately and I stay in the house mostly and only go out with Alexis or my sister. I don’t know what I’m going to do. People yell at me that I deserve to die and I should just kill myself.

That is rough. I'm very sorry to hear you have to deal with that on top of everything else you've already had to deal with and put behind you. I've been blessed to have family and friends that I've come out to that grasp how dangerous for me it would be if others were to find out, and as a result, who have been sufficiently vigilant in keeping my secrets, but I know any one of them could slip up and bring the whole thing crashing down.

CrayonSuperhero wrote:I tried denying it, but they won’t let it go. I haven’t been beat up yet, but I have been pushed and shoved around and chased home by some kids at school and around my neighborhood. Everything was going good until this happened and I think my sister is frustrated about it too, and now I feel like I caused her problems because of my whole stupid life. What am I supposed to do?

Supposed to do? Nothing. The people harassing you and your family and friends are the bad guys here, so it's them who is supposed to change their behavior. You've done nothing wrong.

In my experience, bullying behavior doesn't end unless confronted, and it sounds like a combination of you being a decent human being, and the learned helplessness from the years of abuse are conspiring to make you an ideal target. I imagine that most of the folks bullying you don't actually believe the rumors about your orientation. They're just using it as an excuse to pick on someone smaller and weaker than them.

I'd recommend getting a weapon as an equalizer, but those only help if you're willing to use them, and it sounds like you're not in a mental place where you feel entitled to defend yourself.

You have been reporting these incidents of abuse and harassment to your sister and the school, right? I know you haven't had the best experience with authority figures, but having someone who's in your corner helps when dealing with them, and you're not in a position of having to fight this one alone anymore. Your sister will want to hear about the attacks. It isn't "bothering her" or "worrying her", and she'll feel much, much worse if you don't let her know, because she'll take it as a sign that you don't trust her.

Other than that, I wish I had more advice to give.

CrayonSuperhero wrote:Well if you read all this, thank you for reading it! Thank you to all of you who have the courage to talk about this somewhere, because it helps and comforts me to know I’m not alone. I want to make friends with anybody I can here if anybody wants to become friends with me. I need to know I’ve got some kind of purpose in life and that I’m not garbage.

See ya,

Daniel

We're happy to have you here.

-- Sat Sep 27, 2014 2:41 am --

CrayonSuperhero wrote:I'm still trying to learn about computes and the internet. I've only been on the internet for less than 2 years. My parents had computers but I wasn't ever allowed to use them. So I appreciate people here trying to help me out and warn me about whatever, because you all know a lot more about computers and the internet than I do since you've probably all are experienced more than me.

I grew up around computers. My dad was a hobbyist back when personal computers were just starting to be a thing. I now work as a computer programmer. There's an old saying "Adequate computer security is indistinguishable from paranoia."

I'm glad you're taking Cithe's advice in the spirit it was intended. You've already got enough enemies who know where you live. You don't need to add internet vigilantes into that list.

YouthRightsRadical,

I have a lot of self-esteem problems. There are times when I feel like I am worthy and I'm a good person, but there isn't a lot of days I feel like that. It's been less than 4 years since the last time I was molested, raped, physically assaulted and my therapist has told me it's going to take a lot more time until I'm comfortable in my own skin. She has patients who have been in therapy for 10, 15, 20 years and still have problems, though she thinks because I'm still young that I have a really good chance at succeeding in less time than it takes many adults to overcome. I'm still afraid of the dark, so I think that's obvious to me that I'm not even close to overcoming my childhood abuse.

You're very lucky to have close people in your life who know about your orientation and it doesn't phase them, and they still respect and love you. (Is my pedophilia my orientation? I'm curious about that. I have wondered just that for a long time now.) I believe that if my sister and best friend rejected me after finding out that I would almost surely be dead, because I would've killed myself. Sometimes even the littlest rejection sends me into severe periods of depression. I think if my sister and best friend had reacted differently, it probably would've been too much at that point.

Sometimes I feel like a ruined my sister's life, because I know it's hard for her and I have to rely on her so much for so many things. She has told me a lot that I didn't ruin her life and even that I made it better, but it's easy for me to get stuck in this kind of self-blaming and low self-esteem trap. She knows about some of the problems I have with other kids around, but I don't tell her everything because I don't want to worry her or give her more to think about. She's already a single mom of two little girls and she has plenty to worry and think about without me always being in the picture with just another issue to deal with. I feel like she's done so much for me, so much more than anyone has ever done for me, and maybe she does too much to make sure every day and every thing is perfect for me.

I haven't reported anything that happens really. I told my sister about a few things, and my best friend knows everything that's going on. I'm home-educated (for a bunch of other reasons I'll talk about some other time), but I don't actually go to a physical school. Two different teachers come to my house for 3 & 1/2 hours each day for four days every week. But I walk to the high school I would go to if I was in a school, that my best friend also goes to, and I meet her there to walk her home and also pick up my nieces from their school on the way back to walk them home too. There's been two times that some boys surrounded me outside the school and pushed and shoved me until a teacher broke them away from me, but when those boys said I was a pedo, the teacher told me to leave and get off school property even though I was standing in the road. The second time the same thing happened I saw the teacher standing on the steps of the school entrance while I was being pushed and shoved and insulted, and he just stood there, and then a UPS delivery guy helped me by pulling me away from those ahole thugs. I've been meeting my best friend in an alley way behind some houses lately, instead of standing out front of the school waiting for her.

Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be treated this way because I'm just garbage and I'm a monster like people say about pedophiles. Then sometimes it doesn't make any sense to me, because I never hurt anybody, especially kids. I don't judge people, or insult them, or call on five other people to beat up a kid who's smaller and weaker. I think they are the monsters for the way they treat me! People should listen and let me explain to them that I didn't choose to be the way I am. I can't make myself taller or older looking. I can't change the way I present and conduct myself, because if I'm being true to myself, that's my true self. I didn't just make a wish to be a pedophile and it came true. I didn't ask to be this way. It's just the way I was created, and I'm scared, but at least I'm not hiding anymore and I'm not dishonest about myself. I don't try to be anything I'm not. I'm not an ahole who tries to be tough because he's around his friends.

I just wish people would give me a chance and see things from my point of view.

CrayonSuperhero

...

(Wow,and here we thought our childhood sucked.)

Hey, I'll be happy to talk with you if you need a shoulder to cry on. I'm a 17yo nonexclusive as well.

Man,I wish I knew what to say. It irritates the hell out of me that people would pick on someone as small and helpless as yourself then use your orientation as "justification". If I found out that someone was doing that to Levi, (and we were actually separate people), they'd probably be missing a few teeth the next day.

For official record, you're a "sick monster" about as much as you are 6'3" tall and 230 lbs. Anyone who says otherwise is an ignorant bigot that isn't worth your time anyway. (Honestly, I'm surprised anyone would even believe the people that keep ratting you out.You probably still look like a kid yourself.

CrayonSuperhero wrote:Why do you want to track me down? I didn't do anything to you. I'll tell somebody you know!!

Yeah, the information he's cited is pretty difficult to obtain, comrade. Though, just in case he has connections or is some sort of super detective, try to learn at least one martial art and sleep with a butcher knife and a baseball bat under you're bed.

I trust few people these days.

To return to the comment on your courage: Courage is not the absence of fear, but persistence in the face of fear.

I don't think I've ever spoken with someone leading as absurdly horrifying a life as you've described. But you're out of the trenches, and your sister and friend both sound like amazing people for the way they've taken you in and aided you through your time. You're lucky to have them in your life, and I'm glad they've accepted you as thoroughly as you say. And I'm inclined to believe that your sister is sincere when she says you've made her life better, though it's difficult to describe the human need ("humans" being everyone other than those you grew up with) to help those we love at any expense.

The people picking on you now are bullies, nothing more. Don't let their words hurt you, because they're not worth listening to. I started this post with the definition of courage, now let me explain what a coward is: a coward is someone who, rather than dealing with their fears and insecurities, instead chooses to project these onto someone else who they can attempt to feel superior to. Incidentally, that is also the definition of a bully.

I agree that you should talk to your sister about the bullies, make sure she knows everything that's happening, including that story about the teacher. The physical violence you've described sounds like assault, which is illegal. Spreading rumors could be slander, also illegal. Which means there are non-violent, lawful measures you can take against them.

Thank you for sharing your story, Daniel. Keep pushing forward!

I just want to thank everyone who responded to this post I wrote. It took me a really long time to write it and say everything I want to say. I am going to add more as time goes on and this was just the first post and it took a lot out of me. It will take a little while for me to get to the point where I can feel safe and relaxed enough to write the next post and share it with everyone here. All your responses give me confidence that I have a lot to offer the world and that my own feelings and attractions are not the single biggest traits that define me as a person. The replies I have gotten also give me a reason to belong here and know that I can feel safe and I don't have to worry about many people insulting me or degrading me.

I didn't know how people would reply to me. I thought people would be angry at me and wouldn't want me here because I'm also an abuse victim and I still have a lot of anger for the people that hurt me. It's hard for me to call myself a "survivor" like a lot of people who were abused do, because there are so many days I have when I don't feeling like I'm surviving anything. Actually there's way too many day when I feel like everything that happened to me is just eating away at whatever happiness I still have left inside of me. Sometimes I feel like eventually the pain will eat away so much of the only tiny good parts I have left that I will be like an alive dead person or some kind of empty shallow soul. I try really really hard everyday to just get through the day and hope I don't go insane and I think I'm starting to realize that writing about everything does kind of help me deal with everything.

So again thank you for your positive responses.
CrayonSuperhero

Your story broke my heart no child should have to deal with as much as you have had to deal with. i have never understood how a parent could abuse their children, and why they even had children in the first place if they intended on treating them horribly.

I'm glad that you have your sister, that makes me happy. i never really had anyone i felt I could go to and tell them anything, and i still don't and it sucks. You're extremely lucky.

It makes me sad that people are treating you bad. it's not fair. but i guess there is nothing you can do about the way others act. just know that you are the better person, and their opinions about you don't define you. You define you. Don't let them get to you, because that's what they want, and because they are just cruel humans beings who don't care about anyone but themselves. Don't waste your time and energy on them, they are definitely not worth it.

It also helps me to think about what those types of people have probably gone through in their lives. Everyone has gone through a rough time in their life, and everyone reacts differently. A lot of people choose to be angry, and take it out on others. So don't even see it as them hating you, they really hate themselves but don't have the courage to admit it and deal with it.

But you are different, you seem like an awesome, loving person. I love people who have gone through so much in their life but still choose to love. It's definitely the hardest path to take, but it's the better one, and you are the complete opposite of garbage for choosing that path.