Sadomasochism, necrophilia and blood *trigger warning*

Hello all, this is my first time posting here and after a fair bit of lurking have finally decided to share some things that have been troubling me particularly as of late. I warn that this may contain graphic and/or upsetting descriptions as I am just typing as I think so please be aware of that. Also, if it makes any difference, I am a gay male [for the most part anyway].

For as long as I have memories I can say that I have had very sadistic and masochistic tendencies, as a young child not knowing that the feeling was sexual but still receiving arousal and getting off on things like torturing and causing humiliation to myself as well as thinking about doing the same to other people - although at this time my masochism was a lot stronger than my sadism. I remember playing with dolls and putting them in sexually humiliating positions and tying them up and hanging them. Also in movies when the characters would suffer or be killed was exciting for me. At age 9 or 10 my cousin of the same age tried to have sex with me as he thought I was asleep, it never went further than him touching me as I "woke up" when he was just about to try penetration. This didn't affect me much at all other than kicking myself [not literally ] for making him stop, then feeling disgusted and guilty for enjoying it and wanting it to happen. My upbringing was fairly normal and I can't pinpoint any event that caused me to be like this. Only abnormalities were my sibling's mental illness which meant I never really got much attention and my father left when I was around two which lead to a string of stepfather's who were all problematic, one even bringing out the kitchen knives while my mother escaped and got the police - but I can't relate this to my paraphilias, they were already there before I'm certain.

Anyway around the same time [age 10] I started looking at "normal" porn but couldn't really get aroused so I moved onto bdsm which was a little better, but still nothing much. This continued until 15, I just thought that I was weird because everyone else championed it whereas I just looked at it like I was watching some boring show on TV. It was at this age that I was particularly interested in serial killers and reading descriptions of their murders and that would make me hard, the more deviant and sadistic the better. Then I would search for images of crime scenes and dead and mutilated bodies and jack off while looking at them. This progressed into videos of murder, beheadings, hangings, execution, corpses, torture, suffocation etc. I felt completely sick as I done this but I think that aroused me more.. Afterwards I'd just feel terrible though, and decided to stop looking at that material. It never lasted more than 3 months however then I went back to it because even though I wasn't watching it, I was still thinking about it and also I accepted that fantasizing is not hurting anyone, and hell I would never go out of my way to harm a fly.

Now I'm 17 and I guess what has been troubling me is that I feel as though I am a wolf in sheep's clothing and that I'm lying to everybody, because if they knew what I think about they would hate me and think I'm a sick bastard, which to be fair I probably am, but I'm not a horrible person nor am I dangerous. Is there anyone here who has ever told anyone about their paraphilia? What was their reaction? Or do you think it's best to completely hide these things? I'm scared of getting into a relationship because I would have to tell my partner at least, and I wouldn't blame anyone for being frightened and ending it. Sex would be a big problem as I would really have to hurt them and be hurt and I'm not talking about the kind of sadomasochism in bdsm either, that does nothing for me. Real fear is a major factor. I would also like to make them bleed and drink their blood. I guess another question is does anyone have any advice on living like this, just in general? I always feel bad but I'm not sure I would want to change, maybe it's because I can't think of things being any other way, ahh I don't know.

Any advice or help is truly appreciated, I tried to keep it short and not go into graphic detail as to not disturb anyone lol

Oh
my
God

luksik wrote:It was at this age that I was particularly interested in serial killers and reading descriptions of their murders and that would make me hard, the more deviant and sadistic the better.

Me

luksik wrote:Sex would be a big problem as I would really have to hurt them and be hurt and I'm not talking about the kind of sadomasochism in bdsm either, that does nothing for me. Real fear is a major factor. I would also like to make them bleed and drink their blood.

Sooo me!

You're not alone, my friend. I'm a sadist, masochist, necrophile and hematophile too.

Look....you're not a sick bastard. You clearly say you wouldn't hurt a fly, so...as long as you hurt no one or do/watch illegal stuff, it's perfectly fine to fantasize about whatever you're attracted to.

About sex....that's a hard question (no pun intended). I understand you'd have to hurt or be hurt so it can be dangerous, and I wish I could come up with some good advice about it, as BDSM would do nothing for me either, so...

There are people who are into blood so maybe you'll find someone who will let you drink their blood during sex in a safe way. There are all kinds of "sexual deviants" out there, trust me. Unfortunately, we're a minority so it's hard to find each other.

About hurting and being hurt...that's a problem real fear? There are people who would be turned on by real fear but they'd have to trust you 100% and you'd have to trust yourself 100%

ElKahn wrote:Oh
my
God

luksik wrote:It was at this age that I was particularly interested in serial killers and reading descriptions of their murders and that would make me hard, the more deviant and sadistic the better.

Me

luksik wrote:Sex would be a big problem as I would really have to hurt them and be hurt and I'm not talking about the kind of sadomasochism in bdsm either, that does nothing for me. Real fear is a major factor. I would also like to make them bleed and drink their blood.

Sooo me!

You're not alone, my friend. I'm a sadist, masochist, necrophile and hematophile too.

Look....you're not a sick bastard. You clearly say you wouldn't hurt a fly, so...as long as you hurt no one or do/watch illegal stuff, it's perfectly fine to fantasize about whatever you're attracted to.

About sex....that's a hard question (no pun intended). I understand you'd have to hurt or be hurt so it can be dangerous, and I wish I could come up with some good advice about it, as BDSM would do nothing for me either, so...

There are people who are into blood so maybe you'll find someone who will let you drink their blood during sex in a safe way. There are all kinds of "sexual deviants" out there, trust me. Unfortunately, we're a minority so it's hard to find each other.

About hurting and being hurt...that's a problem real fear? There are people who would be turned on by real fear but they'd have to trust you 100% and you'd have to trust yourself 100%

Hey Elkhan, thank you for your reply. It's great to know that there are others out there who are the same way, sometimes it can be pretty lonely not being able to talk to anyone about it.

I agree but I sometimes wonder if sadistic killers once thought they would never act too, I guess it all starts with just fantasy and that's what worries me. I do trust myself never to harm anyone though, and yeah, I always place insects aside whenever I see em It's just the nice thing to do.

Ahhh finally someone understands it! BDSM doesn't work for real [major/"extreme"] sadists or masochists. It would just feel silly, really.

Drinking blood seems like something you could actually convince someone to do without them running a mile haha. I actually have come across one of those rare deviants you speak of - he's probably the reason I've been so concerned lately because I kinda had the idea that I would just live life as a recluse and never pursue any romantic relations or do such things outwith my imagination. He is at the very least definitely open to blood; maybe a hematophile

It's just finding these people, most aren't very open about it, for obvious reasons. Good thing the government haven't begun mind surveillance just yet or we'd all be screwed.

Welcome to a safe place and you are not alone. I have had quite sadistic thoughts and tendencies since I was young, Id say about 8/9 that this started. As I grew up I just thought that I was the kind of person that was into bdsm and this was a common thing to be thinking about but I soon quickly learned that my taste's went far beyond the realms of bdsm.

Normal mainstream porn and bdsm never held any interest for me so I went looking for what I was really after, that hard material that others would see as deeply disturbing which at this time I already had a heavy interest in blood so it went hand in hand with everything else. At times I still do masturbate to various images and video's of torture, murders and murder victims but not as often as I was. You are right about the after feeling that you feel so disgusted with yourself but at the same time you get more please out of it.

Not just for this but for other paraphillia's I have I always told myself that "this would be the last time" and no matter how hard I tried I would always end up going back for more. It a vicious cycle, I watch and look at it because it gets me aroused, then I feel bad then I go back because nothing else really gets me aroused like this does, its just never ending.

Nobody I know on a personal level knows how dark my fantasies and desires go, and believe me they very deep. I have even gone as far as making sure I have a way and a place to go to if anyone was to find out, crazy but I felt a need to and at time still do to protect myself. As far as relationships go, I have not had one for far to long to comment but I know I would never be satisfied with just casual, regular normal sex.

As far as advice goes I have found comfort in talking to people on here as I have taken that choice to keep it to myself, you may choose differently but whatever you decide to do just know you can always come here.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

You might not be able to share your sexuality publicly with people, but then again, most people can't do this anyways.

Your particular sexual interests might come off as shocking to others, but I am willing to bet that a large portion of people are "perverts" at some level. I really doubt that the majority of the population really fantasizes about missionary position.

That is the big secret of human existence I think. We are all repressed, and we sacrifice our deepest desires for the safety of the web of social relations that maintains a society.

It is important to mention, though, that this is all it is. It is a game, the norm is a commonly agreed upon lie. And thus we all feel ashamed of our most controversial thoughts and desires. I imagine the world would be a much different place if, for one day, we all confessed to each other what really goes on inside our heads.

Ressentiment wrote:I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

You might not be able to share your sexuality publicly with people, but then again, most people can't do this anyways.

Your particular sexual interests might come off as shocking to others, but I am willing to bet that a large portion of people are "perverts" at some level. I really doubt that the majority of the population really fantasizes about missionary position.

Haha I cannot agree with you more and I think if everyone was as honest to themselves as much as we are then the world in general would be better and more understanding. I really hate using the term "normal" because none of us and everyone is far from normal, its what makes us, us.

In general we may not be able to share publicly what your tastes are but that does not by any means there is something wrong with you or anyone else and while it is hard to accept and stop but you should not be feeling bad or guilty about yourself (easier said than done).

to the op :: I share all the above attractions and turn on's that you do, I often feel bad for doing so bit its not something I chose by choice, it just happens to be a part of me as a person, we should not feel wrong or bad for something we did not ask for and as long as nobody in life gets hurt and you remain is safe control then there is nothing wrong.

My inbox is always open if you need a talk.

Tulula.

This describes me too!! I agree that BDSM just seems kinda silly, though I may be open to trying some of it someday (I guess don't knock it 'til you try it?). My bigger sexual problem is that I'm also a hopeless romantic (unrelated), and I don't want to limit myself to someone with the same (seemingly rare) sexual interests, interests which I'm petrified of sharing anyway (much less on a first date). I've always separated sex from romance in my brain, probably that one is a direct result of my sadism. The desire to strangle/stab/wound/inflict fear upon someone just doesn't seem very romantic.

In response to your other question: No, I have never told anyone about my fantasies, and I have no plans to. It's something I've thought of doing, but I couldn't tell anyone unless I absolutely trust them, and if I'm that close to someone I don't want to risk losing their friendship. Last week, I had a friend over and my mom started a conversation about a cop who'd been suspended when they learned of his desire to eat women. I didn't even realize immediately this was a paraphiliac, and then she explained that he'd "gotten away with it" because it was only fantasies. Both my mother and my friend joked about how sick this is, while I just kind of smiled and nodded, wondering what would happen if I even just stuck up for the guy without revealing myself (I didn't risk it).

High school sucks, with or without a host of paraphilias. I've been there, so I know some extent of what you're going through. Now here's the thing: if people knew about our fantasies, would they see us any differently? Yes. They most definitely would. But they'd be wrong. Having a fantasy - one which is absolutely not your choice and one which you would never act on (serial killers typically start on animals in their childhood, so you're safe) - does not change who you are as a person. Unfortunately, most people are rather ignorant about these issues, and no one is addressing them. You can't even blame them for being ignorant, because they simply don't know any better. Now maybe there's some open-minded people who would see all of this and recognize that you are the same person, paraphilia or no, but right now it's most important that you recognize that. Worry about other people later.