I think I am dating a pedophile.

I am a woman, 31, my bf is 25, John. We have been dating about a year. Not long ago I came home to my bfs youtube page open. The history button was right there, So I looked. Call me a bad, paranoid person all you want. I am glad I looked. He had been watching videos of "teens" dancing in their underwear. Whatever. In between a series of videos like this there were two that stood out. One was a picture video of and 8 year old girl modeling and another video of a girl around 12 modeling. These were followed by more videos of adults/girls of sexual maturity age. I remembered a time many months ago where I saw he had watched a TON of lolicon. I, at the time, did not know what it was. I saw animated videos and thought it was hentai. Until about a week later I heard someone mention it and what it was. I asked John about it and he immediately got pissed and said there was no way he would watch that disgusting stuff. After I saw the videos on youtube I brought it up again.

Now some background on John. And this is only the stuff he has opened up about. I know there is more but he is blocking a lot of it out. He was molested by his father and his step-mother at the same time in the shower. I am pretty sure more happened with, at least, his step-mother. This alsonhappened to his younger brither, and he suspects it happened to his older brother too. John and his younger brother were also molested by their babysitter too. The only detail he will reveal so far is that was heas forced to give oral sex to his little brother. John gets very uncomfortable when he takes about it and cries and refuses to talk about it anymore. He says he just wants to forget it even happened and move on, he says he doesnt even really remember what happened or if it happened at all. After researching symptoms of child sexual abuse victims, he seems to be in the stage of accepting it even happened.

When I brought up the youtube videos he initially said, "It's something I have been dealing with." After me asking more questions about him being sexually attracted to little girls (he said no) or wanting to have sex with or touch a little girl (he said no), he started to get very upset. Started personally attcking me. He said I was way worse than he is for having had an abortion. And then broght up how messed up he is for having been sexually abused. Basically he defened himself and tried to make me the bad person. He also made excuses for his dad, johns said it probably happened to him too. I said that is not an excuse. He agreed. There has been a lot of fighting and distance between us since I found out. It has been very hard, it was like being hit with a brick of wtf. I dont know what to think or feel.

Specifics about John. Other than the described instances I have not seen any other signs of him being attracted to little girls. He is very much in to well developed woman. He definitely likes big boities and big breasts. He is bi-sexual. Has shown zero signs of liking small boys. He has a thing for shemales. He is a great social person, much better than myself. He does not do anything to try to be around children. He has a neice and a nephew and I have never seen him be super attentive to either of them. He has a bad wandering eye, I am a jealous person and I do check up on his internet activity and easliy notice when he is gazing at a woman. Never have I seen him, for lack of a better phrase, check out a little girl.

I would like everyone's opinions on whether he may be a true pedophile or if he may be dealing, albeit poorly, with his past trauma. And any other thoughts on the whole situtaion, I will answer any queations to the best of my knowledge. Also, John and I have talked about having kids...is this a good idea? Is a fulfilling relationship even possible? And thank you, to anyone who replies. ~EM

You're boyfriend is a victim. I don't think he's a paedophile, but victims often repeat the cycle. I'm sure he understands that, and that's why he made excuses for his dad, because he's obviously done his research.

He needs non-judgemental support from you. There's more available information than ever before for people trying to live with things like this, and it sounds as though he's doing the best he can to understand what happened to him and move his life along.

Just be there for him, and help him where you can. A fulfilling relationship, and kids eventually, is well within the realms of possibility.

Thank you for responding. That gives me hope where I almost had none.
I am still uncertain about the future possibility of children, maybe because he wants kids so bad.
I have wondered at times, even before this recent revelation, if he is having sexual identity issues, or something along that line. He will not talk to me anymore about it for now, and it leaves me wondering if the attraction to kids is real or if maybe he is confused sexually because of what he experienced. He has told me before that he, for reasons he doesn't understand, he likes things that are considered "taboo".
I asked, and he agreed to go see a specialized therapist to help him with his past. He has the majority of symptoms of a victim. Anger issues, previous alcoholism, drug use, etc. He has been doing much better since I met him though. He said he saw a counselor when he was in school and he admitted it did help but he stopped going for whatever reason. I think a specialist could help him sort out his feelings and help him discover who he truly is.

Seems harmless. We can also watch girls dancing at the local culture fair, at the ballet, and in Step Up...

From what you have said I think that it is very unlikely that he is a paedophile the content that he was viewing was of adults and also some adolescent imagery. The single example of a video of a girl aged about eight is likely just a case of he clicked on a video either by accident or else thinking that it was an older adolescent female (remember that YouTube just gives a preview thumbnail so knowing the age of a person in a video before clicking often is not possible). He probably clicked off the video when he realised the age of the girl - I have done this before myself on YouTube, clicked on a video and realised person was too young and clicked onto another video etc, easy done. If half of his videos were girls who were aged eight I would then become concerned but this is not the case. Among his viewing history of adolescents or 'teens' there was only one video of a girl who looked about twelve which makes me think this was either an accident or else he has some interest but prefers females to be older teenagers or adults.

Like many men he seems to be sexually interested in the adult as well as adolescent body scheme from what you describe as in females with developed secondary sex characteristics. He might have a preference for adolescents which would make him a hebephile or ephebophile. He does not sound like a paedophile (someone who has a preference for prepubescent children). But if his preference is for adults and his interest in adolescents is only secondary then he is a teliophile (someone who prefers adults). Also the fact that any interest in adolescents is being relieved via YouTube suggests he has morals for if he didn't have morals he would be looking at underaged adolescent child porn.

Another observation is that he chose you to be his girlfriend when you are six years older than him. If he was into younger girls you would expect him to be dating someone in their late teens as he is only 25 - so more evidence against him being orientated preferentially to young people. He may have a degree of interest in adolescent females perhaps down to age 12 (which is actually quite common to have moderate attraction to young adolescents) but I think he prefers to be with a fully grown woman is my best guess and he does not sound like he would be a danger to children in real life (no substance abuse issues, no sociopathy, no deviant behaviour, no evidence of true paedophilia etc). He is not perfect, accept him with his imperfections or reject him is what you need to do. Maybe talking to him in an open, understanding and empathetic way is the best way of resolving your concerns and worries and improving your relationship. He might be freaking out that you think he is a paedophile right now. I think that you are probably being too hard on him. I mean I may be wrong I don't know the guy just throwing in my views for what it is worth.

EMwarped1 wrote:Thank you for responding. That gives me hope where I almost had none.
I am still uncertain about the future possibility of children, maybe because he wants kids so bad.
He will not talk to me anymore about it for now, and it leaves me wondering if the attraction to kids is real or if maybe he is confused sexually because of what he experienced. He has told me before that he, for reasons he doesn't understand, he likes things that are considered "taboo".

Yes he likes adolescent female 'kids' but it appears that he prefers to be with adults like the majority of adult men. It does not make him a freak. Just like a large percentage of women have rape fantasies (because they get turned on by being overpowered by a dominant male) but these women do not want to actually be raped and are not freaks, they are just normal women who crave a powerful dominate male. Likewise adolescents have boobs and their bodies are saying 'I am physically capable of reproducing' and therefore many men respond to the adolescent body scheme moderately or strongly although usually less strong than how they respond to an adult. Finding adolescents attractive on some level and having rape fantasies is (while unsettling to some people) common and normal in males and females respectfully. The key importance is not to act out the fantasies on an innocent victim and cause harm. Your boyfriend does not sound like a predator but actually he sounds like a victim (a victim of incestuous child sexual abuse which is a particularly psychologically damaging form of child abuse).

The one thing that does concern me is your boyfriend's substance abuse history as that is a risk factor for acting on impulses and fantasies. Also seperate from that alcohol and other drug abuse is damaging to the brain and causes mental health issues and you do not want a damaged substance addicted person having and raising kids with. I think that you should focus on his substance abuse issues and past trauma from child abuse for both his as well as your sakes.

As someone who's relied on said videos for about 14 years, I can say that men need sexual release every 24 hours. If you are not available, which you probably aren't, then men will find another way, and the shortest path is the girls of optimal age.

I was a victim. Now im a self confessed pervert and suffering from pedophilia. Until now i still look at u15 videos on youtube.

Your boyfriend may very well be atractted to very young girls. If you still plan on being with him long term, talk to him openly without judgment. Paraphilias and sexual perversions may evolve, and pretty soon hey may not be able to sexually perform under "normal situations" due to desensitization.