Generically Titled: Am I a Pedophile? No, Seriously...

This whole thing's gonna be incredibly awkward for me but as this point I'm just fed up with the confusion.

I'm not sure if I'm a pedophile or not. I'm female, and I'm also still only in high school-- sophomore, to be specific, or 10th grade, if you will. I'm not sure exactly when I suspected I may have some pedophilic tendencies, but when I did, since I was obviously just a few years older than the targeted range, I thought it was just a phase or something, or that the age gap just didn't bother me; I've always been extremely lenient with those types of things. However, now I'm halfway through high school and though the offending thoughts have wavered every so often, I still feel it's there. Kinda.

Okay here's the thing. I've been into anime/manga ever since I was a kid. What you'd probably call an "otaku", except I'm so into the geekdom I know that's actually originally a japanese derogatory term so I don't use it often :/ This was a pretty harmless interest when I was little, but as I grew up I did kind of get more into the darker side of things. Sometime at age 9 or 10 or something I decided looking "sex" up on wikipedia was a good idea and basically, that's how I first got interested in sex.

So then as I went into puberty and the likes, my interest in sex obviously grew. Following along with the pre-stated interest in anime/manga, I got a lot into hentai, which is basically porn in the anime/manga form (ex. Bible Black). Also being a girl, I got into a lot of yaoi ("Boy's Love"; it's basically male gay hentai featuring dudes who are usually teenagers) too. Because of this interest in the lovely twisted world of gay japanese animation, I discovered shotacon: a subcategory of hentai that featured the leading male body as an adolescent young boy. And I was very taken with it. I mean, I have always had a preference for the "shota" character in an anime, but now it was getting serious.

Either way, shotacon was and still is one of my favourite forms of hentai that I look up often. Okay, cool. That's was actually fine with me; within the anime loving communities, many males were into lolicon (y'know, little girls, just the opposite of shotacon) but it was restricted only to the specific art form and not to real life, I just figured I was the same.

Now here's when it gets fuzzy. I don't remember when or how the idea of sexualizing a /real/ young boy got into my head at all, but at some point in time it did. And I don't remember what my reaction was exactly, but it wasn't repulsion. I really don't remember anything about the details on this at all, but at some point in time I just started researching about all this which led to a lovely roller coaster of "I'm a pedophile!"'s and "I am NOT a pedophile"'s and "Whyamidoingthisimbeingstupid"'s and "I wonder if there's a way to find child porn" etc, etc, etc. Really it was just mass confusion. By now things have gotten calmer, but the confusion is still there. I still have a massive preference for shotacon than for real life boys, but I do think I have some sort of attraction to them; but again I'm not sure, which is why I'm here.

Okay, to the present. Currently 10th grader, virgin, barely interested in starting relationships and all that stuff, mainly because I'm more focused on school work. This isn't to say I don't have any attraction to my own age for, I do have some, I just don't bother acting on it. While fantasizing I think about boys my age after all, but on occasion I will also fantasize about young boys. However, these fantasies just sort of come and go almost like a wave; I'll have a period where that's all I can think about, and then go through one where I don't fantasize about them at all. Also during these times half of the fantasies are still in the anime/shotacon form, and would probably be less pedophilia and more me being a dumb fangirl running sex scenes through her head of the ship she carries between her and a friend's original characters (who are both shotas/little boys). At times I do find myself checking out young boys-- most notably during the period I did concessions for basketball games at the schools, as the basketball games and swim meets for the elementary school ran at the same time, so somewhere halfway through my shift a bunch of 8-10 year old boys and girls wet and wearing swimsuits would exit from the pool and walk right across my line of sight. Also when looking at a young girl, while I don't get any immediate attraction myself (y'know, straight and all, at least mostly :/), I can see easily why a male pedophile would be attracted to them.

Okay, so that was somewhat straightforward. Here's the thing though: as a test one time I googled images of scantily dressed young boys to gauge my own reaction. It was... odd. It wasn't any sort of immediate sexual attraction or anything, but it wasn't immediate repulsion either. It was some sort of muddled feeling that made me feel... uncomfortable, but not wanting to look away. I'd look at the image for a moment, then the uncomfortable feeling would be too strong and I'd have to close it-- but then, after a bit when the uncomfortableness (there's really no other word to describe it) disappeared, I found myself thinking about the picture again, fantasizing about it slightly, and almost wanting to look it up again even though I knew how I'd react. Also, in general any feeling towards a young boy I may have tends to be pretty mild; it's kinda like if you had a crush on someone, you'd probably stare at them a lot and enjoy it, but (I'm hoping) you don't immediately begin thinking about sex scenes with them. While day dreaming they can become stronger and actually involve some sort of sex, though the strongest thoughts are, again, back in shotacon form. Finally, I don't believe I have any interest of actually starting and/or holding a formal relationship with a child, but it should be noted right now I'm not interested in really starting or holding a formal relationship with anyone. School's important man! >^<

I've tried my best to figure this out and it's gotten nowhere. Asking my tulpas didn't even help, my confusion runs all the way into my subconscious e.e; I just feel like I border somewhere on the line of being a pedophile, and just being interested in pedophilia, but I'm not sure if I've crossed the line or not and it's just getting incredibly annoying. What do you guys think?

A thank you for any and all replies.

I discovered my own pedophilia through watching Yuri anime as a teenager (I also liked some Yaoi.) If you think about it most anime girls and guys look much younger even when they are portrayed as teenagers or adults.

Yuri and yaoi in particular try to appeal to both genders' natural attraction to youth, Yaoi series like "Boku no Pico" and 'Papa to Kiss in the Dark" are surprisingly popular with females, yet they are blatantly pedophilic. The girls that watch anime like that most likely don't let it bother them because it's just an anime and not reality.

I really don't know whether or not people who like shotacon/lolicon are usually pedophiles or not. Personally I don't care for lollicon/shotacon much, and I like real little girls much better.

My theory is that people who are drawn to romance, especially in anime are more likely to be attracted to youth. Childish features are naturally lovable and evoke feelings of tenderness.

Generic, I have no special insight into whether you're "really" a pedophile. But from your description of the media you've been consuming, one thing is overwhelmingly obvious but goes unstated in your post.

You're being played with. Your potential interests in the very young are getting teased, probably because these entire art forms are designed to do that knowing that most of us have something there to be teased. You're supposed to find this alluring -- that's why it's mass produced.

Take as an example something more relevant to an earlier generation: the movie "Pretty Baby". The whole point of the movie was to twist us up by showing us how a child could be sexually attractive, and making it kind of normal to sexualize the child, and making it permissible by setting the movie in a brothel from many decades earlier. I got slightly twisted up about this (I'm roughly two generations older than you and this movie was more targeted at my contemporaries) because I wasn't supposed to get attracted to children (and generally I'm not, that's not my paraphilia). But it was actually OK, because I was acting pretty typically, which is how they knew to make the movie the way they did, giving it an edgy impact.

So maybe you are and maybe you aren't, but the situations you describe aren't all that significant a test.

At least, that's my humble opinion.

There are two types of pedophiles. One is attracted to both kids and adults, the other is only attracted to kids. It seems like you could be a pedophile, however, you're still young, so it could just be a "phase". On the other hand, I started being attracted to young boys at 13, but didn't know what a pedophile was until I was in my early 20's. Im 26 now, and a female. The attraction is still there, and actually became stronger as the years have gone by. So yes, I know for sure, I'm a pedophile.

Sproogle:
True, I guess. However there are many who really don't like shotacon, and there is a reason why Boku no Pico is "infamous" and not "famous" In general the fandom does get hate, but yeah, I guess they're still popular. And you're right, most fans aren't real life pedophiles (though there always are some) and most don't let it bother them, and I didn't for a while. In fact, my liking for shotacon still doesn't really bother me, it's when I entertained the thought of sexualizing a real young boy and not being faced with the general repulsive feeling one should get that I got worried. Ugh, if I could remember exactly /what/ I felt...

And childish features do invoke tenderness, but I don't think tenderness describes any of my feelings towards young boys at any time :/ It's usually either uncomfortableness, some sort of mild arousal (note that I usually don't even get aroused by anything unless I was horny to begin with, and with this it also applies ^^; ), or this just really muddled up feeling in my chest that's kinda like... guilt, tension, or something.

Mayapple:
Being, played with? o.O Maybe, if I understand clearly enough. However, it's probably noted I'm interested in a lot of odd things within the hentai realm that I know in real life would disgust me, but shotacon doesn't seem to be one of them. Although on the flip side, most fetishes when portrayed in hentai usually don't bother me-- even say, scat, which I honestly find highly disgusting in real life :/ Seriously though, I know so much about so many odd fetishes I'm kind of my friend's Rule 34 on the go >.>; Seriously, once when my friend wanted some sort of reference picture for drawing a slutty face and I was the first person they came to. Although asking if I should get them some guro while I was at it and then actually succeeding in finding a slutfaced ahegao guro picture probably didn't help my case e.e;

I'm sorry, that was off topic. What would you consider a more effective "test" then, so to speak? I've generally calmed down about the topic now so hopefully anything I do would be less messy, really it's just the ambiguity that's irking me to the extreme.

87gurl:
I was hoping it was a phase for a while. I think I've been trying to figure this out since maybe halfway through age 13, though I really didn't start worrying until maybe halfway through 14 since before I was just thinking it was the close age gap thing again. At this point it's basically lingered around for a year and a half or so, and by my opinion has probably gotten a bit stronger, thought that may just be me being me :/ So yeah, maybe it's just some incredibly long phase, maybe not >.>; I really don't know, my phases usually don't stick around for more than a year though. Anything past that usually sticks with me forever- like my interest in art that's been going strong since 5th grade- though there are always exceptions, and it hasn't been too far off from a year where it's been serious. *sigh* This is a pain.

Hi,
I felt compelled to give you my input since I'm big into anime too and have seen my fair share of hentai
I think that a lot of times people's interests in porn don't always match up with their real life sexual interests. For example, like you, I really enjoy yaoi, and occasional shota, but I'm a straight girl. I don't really look at them to get off, though. I like yaoi because of the really sweet stories and pretty character designs. And I read lots of doujinshis of my favorite pairings :3 They're my favorite.

I also like yuri, but again, I don't look at it to get off, as I'm not a lesbian. I adore couples of all kinds, and I don't see anything weird about watching them, love of all types makes me happy inside.

I think most people who watch shota/loli aren't actually pedophiles. There are some other elements of shota/loli that may appeal to some - for example, one of my friends likes shota because she likes the age differences and the power dynamics present in adult-child relationships, but doesn't find the child particularly attractive.

The fact that you are mostly interested in shota and not as much in real life boys leads me to think you may not be a pedophile, but I'm not really sure. When you say this:

Also during these times half of the fantasies are still in the anime/shotacon form, and would probably be less pedophilia and more me being a dumb fangirl running sex scenes through her head of the ship she carries between her and a friend's original characters (who are both shotas/little boys).

I think just fantasizing about a shipping is normal. Are you fantasizing about how cute the shipping would be and how well the two characters would go together?
It seems like if you were actually attracted to the characters, you'd instead be fantasizing about having sex with the character yourself. Maybe.

While day dreaming they can become stronger and actually involve some sort of sex, though the strongest thoughts are, again, back in shotacon form. Finally, I don't believe I have any interest of actually starting and/or holding a formal relationship with a child, but it should be noted right now I'm not interested in really starting or holding a formal relationship with anyone. School's important man! >^<

Like I was saying before, are you fantasizing about having sex with a young boy yourself? Or just thinking about the scenes you see in shotacon?
(If you already answered that question, sorry for missing it.)

In fact, my liking for shotacon still doesn't really bother me, it's when I entertained the thought of sexualizing a real young boy and not being faced with the general repulsive feeling one should get that I got worried. Ugh, if I could remember exactly /what/ I felt...

I don't think this is even that weird. There's a difference between "being repulsed by something" and "wanting to do it". Meaning, just because you aren't repulsed by something doesn't mean you're actually into it or interested in it. Just like how I may enjoy watching yuri but in real life I'm not physically attracted to girls.
And also, it makes sense that after watching shota, the idea of sexualized boys wouldn't repulse you. You get desensitized after a while. So I don't think that's strange at all.

I was hoping it was a phase for a while. I think I've been trying to figure this out since maybe halfway through age 13, though I really didn't start worrying until maybe halfway through 14 since before I was just thinking it was the close age gap thing again. At this point it's basically lingered around for a year and a half or so, and by my opinion has probably gotten a bit stronger, thought that may just be me being me :/ So yeah, maybe it's just some incredibly long phase, maybe not >.>;

Yeah, sorry to say it, but at your age it might not be very easy to know, my paraphilia wasn't clear to me until I was 15, about your age.

Try not to worry about it so much, focus on school and friends and don't rush into any relationships that you don't want. Sexuality usually sorts itself out eventually, so give it time and I think things will become more clear to you as you try things out and learn what you're into.

I need to figure out how to do the quote thing :/ Gimme a moment...

I think that a lot of times people's interests in porn don't always match up with their real life sexual interests. For example, like you, I really enjoy yaoi, and occasional shota, but I'm a straight girl. I don't really look at them to get off, though. I like yaoi because of the really sweet stories and pretty character designs. And I read lots of doujinshis of my favorite pairings :3 They're my favorite.

I also like yuri, but again, I don't look at it to get off, as I'm not a lesbian. I adore couples of all kinds, and I don't see anything weird about watching them, love of all types makes me happy inside.

Me neither, but honestly I rarely look at porn to get off XD I'm honestly a bit messed up in the head, so when I get extremely bored my source of entertainment is to find the weirdest things rule 34 has to offer

I think most people who watch shota/loli aren't actually pedophiles. There are some other elements of shota/loli that may appeal to some - for example, one of my friends likes shota because she likes the age differences and the power dynamics present in adult-child relationships, but doesn't find the child particularly attractive.

They aren't. I know this as a fact. There are some, don't get me wrong, but most really are not. Guys who like loli are especially defensive about it, for good reason.

I think just fantasizing about a shipping is normal. Are you fantasizing about how cute the shipping would be and how well the two characters would go together?
It seems like if you were actually attracted to the characters, you'd instead be fantasizing about having sex with the character yourself. Maybe.

Oi, I forget why I put that in there :/ That's a bit unrelated now that I look at it. Yeah, that's just usual fangirl ship stuff, I seriously don't know why I included it...

Like I was saying before, are you fantasizing about having sex with a young boy yourself? Or just thinking about the scenes you see in shotacon?

The sad thing is, I've watched/drawn so much anime, unless I'm thinking about a specific person I know in real life, a majority of visual thoughts I have kind of default into an anime style (I'm trying to solve this with my tulpas, but it's been rough), so as weird as it sounds it takes conscious effort to switch it back over to real life-like people.
Either way, sometimes they do include me doing some sort of sexual act with the boy, but I do have more voyeuristic tendencies with anything pornographic (which I guess is why I enjoy it heheh), so sometimes it's just thinking of spying on a young boy, watching them masturbate or something.

I don't think this is even that weird. There's a difference between "being repulsed by something" and "wanting to do it". Meaning, just because you aren't repulsed by something doesn't mean you're actually into it or interested in it. Just like how I may enjoy watching yuri but in real life I'm not physically attracted to girls.
And also, it makes sense that after watching shota, the idea of sexualized boys wouldn't repulse you. You get desensitized after a while. So I don't think that's strange at all.

I guess that's true :/ But a lot of other things I view in hentai definitely scare me in real life, I honestly have no clue -.-;

Yeah, sorry to say it, but at your age it might not be very easy to know, my paraphilia wasn't clear to me until I was 15, about your age.

Try not to worry about it so much, focus on school and friends and don't rush into any relationships that you don't want. Sexuality usually sorts itself out eventually, so give it time and I think things will become more clear to you as you try things out and learn what you're into.

*extremely long annoying sigh*

uuuGggGGgGhHHHHHHH I guess, but it's still annoying >.>; Thanks though.

Me neither, but honestly I rarely look at porn to get off XD I'm honestly a bit messed up in the head, so when I get extremely bored my source of entertainment is to find the weirdest things rule 34 has to offer

Same here, and hentai has a lot of weird things to offer xD There's a lot of really cool artistic stuff out there, which is why I do like hentai better than real life porn (or whatever you want to call it), which I rarely ever look at.

The sad thing is, I've watched/drawn so much anime, unless I'm thinking about a specific person I know in real life, a majority of visual thoughts I have kind of default into an anime style (I'm trying to solve this with my tulpas, but it's been rough), so as weird as it sounds it takes conscious effort to switch it back over to real life-like people.

Tulpas?

Either way, sometimes they do include me doing some sort of sexual act with the boy, but I do have more voyeuristic tendencies with anything pornographic (which I guess is why I enjoy it heheh), so sometimes it's just thinking of spying on a young boy, watching them masturbate or something.

Hmm, maybe you have both paraphilias then? Pedophilia and voyeurism? Or you could have a paraphilia within a paraphilia, interest in young boys but mainly in a voyeuristic sense. Could that be a possibility?

*extremely long annoying sigh*

uuuGggGGgGhHHHHHHH I guess, but it's still annoying >.>; Thanks though.

I know, it really sucks sometimes -.- Some people are certain of their sexualities from a young age, others go through years of questioning and self-discovery to fully figure them out. What you're going through is completely normal. Having a sexuality outside the norm is difficult to deal with because no one prepares us for it and it can be hard to find really good, accurate information, even with the internet.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about more specific anime/hentai stuff, or you need someone to chat with.

Same here, and hentai has a lot of weird things to offer xD There's a lot of really cool artistic stuff out there, which is why I do like hentai better than real life porn (or whatever you want to call it), which I rarely ever look at.

Aw man, some hentai artists are amazing :O One of my favourite manga artists actually is a hentai artist, totally by coincidence. The art style itself is just awesome, wish I could draw like it :/ Need to get better at more realistic stuff...

Tulpas?

Sorry, I think I've developed a habit of mentioning them one-off and then forgetting not everyone has one >.>; They're, um, self-created sentient minds :/ Basically speaking. Uh, it'd probably be easier if you googled it =w=;

Hmm, maybe you have both paraphilias then? Pedophilia and voyeurism? Or you could have a paraphilia within a paraphilia, interest in young boys but mainly in a voyeuristic sense. Could that be a possibility?

I'm definitely a bit of a voyeur and it's definitely not limited to younger boys. The types of fantasies I have with small boys are pretty in line with fantasies I'd have with guys my age, so there's nothing special there. It's just while I'm pretty constant with liking guys my age, my interest in children fluctuates a lot, so I'd go a period without any sort of fantasy about a young boy, and then go a while where that's all I'd fantasize about :/

I know, it really sucks sometimes -.- Some people are certain of their sexualities from a young age, others go through years of questioning and self-discovery to fully figure them out. What you're going through is completely normal. Having a sexuality outside the norm is difficult to deal with because no one prepares us for it and it can be hard to find really good, accurate information, even with the internet.

Darn u internet y u no halp >:O
lol no but seriously, I guess you're right. Guess I'll just have to wait and see -w-;

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about more specific anime/hentai stuff, or you need someone to chat with.

Haha, maybe if I don't feel awkward messaging you later I will Right now though I gotta stop distracting myself and study for this AP exam >^<; Thanks!

They're, um, self-created sentient minds :/ Basically speaking. Uh, it'd probably be easier if you googled it =w=;

Lol I looked it up and I don't really get it, but that's okay.

The types of fantasies I have with small boys are pretty in line with fantasies I'd have with guys my age, so there's nothing special there. It's just while I'm pretty constant with liking guys my age, my interest in children fluctuates a lot, so I'd go a period without any sort of fantasy about a young boy, and then go a while where that's all I'd fantasize about :/

If you're pretty constant with liking guys your age, then I'd say you're at least non-exclusive with your paraphilias.

Darn u internet y u no halp >:O

The internet is very useful and has lots of good information, unfortunately, there's lots of unhelpful and misleading information out there too. On paraphilias as well.

Right now though I gotta stop distracting myself and study for this AP exam >^<; Thanks!

Aww, APs. Good luck, APs suck >.<