Worries about Pedofilia

Its hard to nowhere to start. My fantasies are confusing. For a long time I've blacked out any fantasies that I use to have surrounding ages 4-15 (guess), female and male, but male ways usually stronger, Its been about 4 years or more since I blacked them all out.

I remember the fantasies been quite strong arousal. But understanding them is very difficult. The fantasies would involve me been the victim. They would involve me been abused with humiliation, feet, and such. Having things taken from me such as items or money would also be a main fantasy.

Because I've blocked the thoughts I've been experimenting with certain fantasies. Nothing is standing out at the moment. I did think about a baby toddler fantasy just to see what happened, with this I felt something from the heart love feeling, but it didn’t result in erection, it just gave me some excitement? But for some reason the baby one makes me feel angry, the baby makes me feel it? Creating the arousal? Again, I don’t understand it.

I also don’t know if the fantasies would be exclusive or not. I did have a girl friend at the age of 17 or 18 and whilst I felt some love I didn’t feel remotely like having sex or anything. but that was some time ago and only one experience. I didn’t do more than kiss. When younger If I had an orgasm fantasy about younger, I’d be able to have satisfying fantasies about adults temporally, then I would need to return to the other fantasy, and so on.

Can you help me understand the fantasies? Do you think I will be able to understand them? Can I have a adult relationship in the future? Can fantasies be changed for a relationship?

Do you think I will be able to understand them?

Not without two or three PhDs. And even then it would be only theoretical.

Can I have a adult relationship in the future?

It's exceedingly common to have fantasies about boys and girls. Guessing from your narrative it's not pedophilic fantasies but anxiety and lack of assertiveness which may be obstructing you from having relationships.