Haunted by a 50 Year Old Mother/Aunt Fantasy

I AM LOOKING FOR HELP. IN ORDER TO GET THAT, I NEED SHARE MY JOURNEY. IT DOES CONTAIN SOME TASTEFULLY SUBTLY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS. IF YOU FEEL YOU WILL BE OFFENDED PLEASE DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS PREFACE!!

Before I go into all the sordid details of my two 50 year old haunting fantasies, let me set it up with some background and share this understanding that I do have.

I have researched this topic extensively online and I do know that 'MOST' incest situations are abuse, not consensual. It "USUALLY', NOT ALWAYS, involves a female child and adult.
Father/daughter, older brother/younger sister, uncle/neice etc.
My heart breaks for anyone that has ever had to endure this kind of abuse and I can tell you from the testimonies I've heard from strong Christian women who have been abused from incest, (Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore, to name two), they have been able to find victory over these abuses and live mostly free lives, not to say that they don't still have moments when they have to deal with that past.

I'm 60 and have had a pornography addiction from the age of 10 until 47. The addiction finally came to a head when I went online with it and was caught, by my wife, engaging in cyber sex.

I thought my marriage and life was over. With no place to go, I decided to surrender to Christ. He took me though a period of recovery and family transformation that has been amazing!

My wife honored her vows and stood by me through my recovery, and my now 21 year old son followed suit.

I've been sober from pornography and 'acting out' (masturbation) for 13 years, and free for 11 years.

My wife obviously knows about the pornography addiction but no one knows about my incestuous fantasies, including my wife!

As a Christ follower for 13 years now, I can honestly say that I have overcome about 90% of known deliberate sin, except for my sexual incestuous fantasies!

I know they are wrong and sinful, and it frustrates me that I can't shake them. I know what God's Word says about this and I have prayed and prayed, but I can't seem to shake this last piece of the puzzle on my road to complete freedom from sexual immorality!

Fortunately, since I haven't acted out in 13 years, the fantasies only come now in the form of occasional dreams and about 75% of the times I have sex with my wife.

I have never run across anyone in any of the support groups I've been involved in that was brave enough to admit similar fantasies, and I sure wasn't going to expose my own, with all the shame involved in them.

I could never share in person with anyone, and even though a Christian therapist would be a good idea, I could not afford the cost and would never feel comfortable enough to share in person.

After 50 years of this thing haunting me, I finally decided to try and get some help anonymously in these forums.

I was always shy and felt intimidated by the opposite sex fearing rejection and/or ridicule. I don't really know why but I just remember that's how it was.

Around the age of 10 I discovered my uncle's Playboy magazine stash and would sneak a peek every chance I got. Eventually I got to the age where I could buy them myself and transitioned from magazines to videos eventually to the computer as technology evolved.

I knew that the women in the magazines, videos, and computer would not reject or ridicule so they were safe for me.

Once I discovered masturbation around the age of 10, I became infatuated with mom probably because she was so young and pretty and around me a lot. (Mom as 17 when she gave birth to me).
I remember 5 different episodes as a child that I first was able to see her body exposed.

The first episode is, sometimes if she had a favorite TV show on, while my brother was in the tub, after her shower, and with her nightgown on, she would come out in the living room, with her body lotion to watch her program.
She would sit in a chair, hike her nightgown up, and apply the lotion to her legs while watching TV. For you ladies, you know the lotion keeps the legs looking nice.

When I knew that scene was coming up, I would always get on the floor and pretend to watch the TV while she put the lotion on her legs. Not only was watching her rub that lotion on her legs intoxicating but I often got a shot of he pubic hair when she would fling her nightgown back down over he legs!

When I got a little older, I tried to get up the courage to ask her if I could put the lotion on her legs, but never got up the courage, but it sure played out as incredible acting out fantasy!

On those nights I would stay on the floor until she went in and washed my little brother's hair, because I knew scenario number 2 was coming up.

Episode number 2 was after my little brother's bath, she used to comb his hair when he was young. .
She would pull up her nightgown to her waist as she would sit my brother down on the floor in front of her with his back to her. She would comb his hair and after he got up, she would pull her nightgown back down, not before I could see both her legs to her waist exposed and often her pubic hair.
This became very routine-like, and I always anticipated it and would lying on the floor pretending to watch TV right in front of the chair where they would be sitting, before they sat down. I would get a much better view and was always careful not to get caught looking!
After she pulled her nightgown down, I would wait a few minutes and go to my room and act out furiously. It was so intoxicating!

The third episode was during the mornings of school days. Mom always took us to school and sometimes she would be running late. On those days she would bring her hose out to the dining room and put them on while she drank her tea. She didn't wear panty hose, but the old style hose women wore with garter belts. She would pull her skirt in order to snap her hose onto her garter belt.
Again, I would anticipate those mornings and make sue I was sitting in the same chair in the living room, again pretending to watch TV, but watching her then as well.
I would keep that video image in my mind when I got home after school, I would also act out replaying that video tape in my mind!

The fourth episode happened after I got really bold then and decided to try and see her completely naked. My father often worked 2nd shift and our one bathroom door never latched properly. You could close it, but it never latched leaving it accessible to crack open unnoticed.
Whenever mom would bathe and my brothers weren't around, I would sit outside the door and catch her as she stood up in the bathtub to dry off. The bathtub was in such a position that I couldn't see directly to the tub, but I could see my mother's reflection in the bathroom tiles that she kept very clean and shiny.

Keep in mind, at this time my mom was only 27. She was 5'2”, pretty, with a nice body. Small breasts but very firm and perky.

After she stepped out of the tub she would be fully exposed and put her nightgown on. By that time, I would head off to my bedroom and, again, acted out furiously imagining all kinds of scenarios between her and I.
I was breastfed as a child and that's one of the reasons it made this fantasy so intense! The fantasy of being able to kiss and caress those breasts again combined with not only kissing and caressing the very place I came out of as a baby, but to also enter myself back into her womb was and still is intoxicating for me!

This is how the fifth episode happened, I have 2 brothers, one is 3 years younger, and one is 6 years younger. We were all 3 home with mom, dad at work, in the summer, I'm guessing I was around 12 or 13, and I heard her call my name from the bedroom.
I came down the hallway and walked into her room, and she was getting dressed, getting ready to put on her bra. There she was bare breasted and I was only a few feet away from her. I just stared at them for a split second and even though she didn't attempt to cover up, she said, "I didn't mean to call you, I meant to call Scott", who is my youngest brother.
Since she often got our names mixed up, I just turned around and walked out and got my brother.
I played that video over in my mind, wondering if maybe she knew I was looking at her, and it was her way of responding.
Of course I dismissed it because, even though she didn't try to cover up or have an embarrassed or upset look on her face, she wasn't smiling or giving me any indication that it was done on purpose.

I do know, from online research, that, most of the time, once a fantasy is played out, it is no longer fantasy.

After I saw this statement, I often questioned why mom would have been calling even my youngest brother in her room, who was only 6 or 7, and would have still been too old to see her breasts??

Maybe it was a hint, and maybe if I had 'let her' catch me looking at her, or catch me acting out, maybe it would have led to a fantasy come true, which would have meant that the fantasy may not be haunting me to this day!

I was around 25 and mom would have been 42. She took very good care of herself and still looked pretty at that age.
My dad worked from 8pm to 4am at a paper company.
It was her birthday, and I had this plan all put together but was too scared to go through with it.

I had purchased some very expensive body lotion. Mom was always one for an early shower, and as you know she liked to put lotion on her legs after her shower.

By the time dad went to work, she would have had her shower, most times, and be settled in for TV.
I was going to come over and give her the gift and tell her that it was only part of the present. Once she opened it, I was going to tell her that I remember seeing her put lotion on her legs as a child and since she couldn't put it on her back, that I wanted to do that for her on her birthday.

My plan was this. Mom's nightgown fastened at the top in the back. I was going to unfasten it, and open it up letting her hold the front of it up covering her breasts.
I would start applying the lotion on her back and tell her how soft her skin was especially for being over 40.
If that was received well, I would work my way around to her sides towards her breasts.
If she resisted, I was going to say something like, "It's okay mom. I've seen them before many times as a young boy, and I was even fed by them as a baby! Their lovely and should get some of this expensive lotion."
Hoping she would give in and then take it and run from there.

Unfortunately, I never got the nerve to do it!

Although I've fantasized what would have transpired once she gave in, thousands of times over the last 35 years. Probably my favorite fantasy of all!

My aunt was a spitting image of my mom only 14 months older than me. Once she became 13 and started to develop, I would fantasize about her too, and never passed up an opportunity to catch glimpses of her, although those opportunities were far and few between,

I do remember one night she stayed all night with us when we were about 12 and 14. She was doing her homework at my desk, with her nightie on in my bedroom, and I was reading a book on my bed. She turned a certain way and I got a full side shot at one of her breasts. I was amazed at how much they looked like moms!

Even today when I fantasize, I think of both of them back when mom was in her late 20s and early to middle 30s and my aunt was in her teens and 20s.

Now from a psychological point of view, I used to believe the lies that these fantasies were okay because they were never going to be real, and that I was sharing the emotional love I had for them both in a physical way. I was making love to two females that I loved dearly! Back then, what was wrong with that as long as it was consensual in the fantasy?

Let me add this. During my recovery from pornography, my wife insisted I also see a therapist. The therapist ended up being a female and, as part of the program she accessed all the pornography on my computer, including stories, emails, websites, and pictures.
One of the fantasy stories I had on there was the story of me buying mom the lotion on her birthday and a scenario playing out of what could have happened.
I know my therapist had that story, but she never approached me about it, although she did ask me if I thought my mom was pretty.
At the end of that session, she asked if I she had my permission to speak to mom. I gave her permission, and I'm quite certain she shared the story with my mother.
Mom has never said anything, but I'm wondering if it might help me if I were to ask her what the therapist talked to her about and maybe confessing all of this to her, asking her for forgiveness and let her know I'm seeking recovery from the fantasy?

What do you all think? Would approaching mom in that way be a good or bad idea?

Not true and it's frustrating that this thing still haunts me.

Even though it was arousing sharing these fantasies on paper, I could also feel a weight being lifted off me because this is the first time I've ever shared this with ANYONE in the 50 years it's haunted me. It has always been my secret and my fantasy only!

If you want to play therapist and try to help me reach a point of sobriety and freedom, I would be much obliged.

Feel free to ask me anything that you think would help me recover and put this behind me.

May God bless,

Lee

Okay i skipped right to the blue text near the end. But if your 50, wouldn't your mom be like really old? Even i would'nt go there. Anyway i've always been in love with my aunt. Im 29 shes around 50. I still fantasize about holding her in my arms intimately, and sniffing her panties. My point is i enjoy the fantasy. I would like it to stay like that.