Worried future spouse. *possible triggers*

I've been asked to not say anything to anyone, so, I need to be vague. Also, I don't know what might trigger people, and so I apologize in advance.

I am usually given information when he's been drinking quite a bit. When I try talking to him when he's sober, he usually flies into a rage, and so I've learned to never speak of it unless he brings it up. He's a victim of child sexual abuse. I just, umm, well, I know my way around the DSM (the fourth, not the fifth), and I keep seeing "6 months" pop out as the time-frame. I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to ask "hey, that thing that you told me about, how long do you think you had those thoughts?". My God, it's so hard to be vague. He says that the [urges] are more strong when he's lonely: is that common, and--and how do I help him?? Anyway, so, what I'm wondering is .... Is there spousal support? and where?? I'm afraid to get counseling for myself, sure that they'll tell me that I should leave him, and I just feel so incredibly alone right now.

Hi,

I need a bit more from you if I am to comment. You marked the topic as a trigger so please be a bit clearer if you can. I will say a few things in general terms. For the record, I am a sadist and am attracted to girls from 0 to about 10.
Your partner is likely angry through fear, whether of himself, of your reaction to what he is, or paranoia that you will leave. It could also be that he's angry about telling you, or is struggling to open a box that has been closed for years. I don't know.
He will have to get past that anger and speak about it, being drunk is just not good enough.
What is the rest of your relationship like? How did this come about?

I'm worried about saying too much. I don't want to betray his trust, although, for all I know, talking here is doing that.

What you said about anger seemed correct. He certainly is upset about many things. This is the part that I can understand, the emotional reaction. My parents have been rather abusive, and so I understand feeling angry. I understand putting up walls. I just, I don't understand his logic. At a family event, he commented about one of my cousins who is certainly not of age, and it just seemed insane to me. I mean, he wants to have kids, and ... and I don't know what to do. He wants to understand what his abuser did to him, he wants to understand why. He says, X-number of years ago, his thoughts would be accepted by society. In my classes -- and I'm a social work major -- we were advised to ponder on who we could counsel and who we couldn't. I'm engaged. I want to marry him. He says that he'll go to counseling, that we'll see a counselor together, and I want to be so, so happy to hear that, but I'm so busy panicking that I feel like I can't really be there for him, and with all my heart I want to be there for him. It really seems like he's got so many walls up. So many boundaries. What's insane to me is that there is one person who could tear them down, but she -- his mother -- didn't get him to a counselor when he told her about trying to understand his abuser as a teen. All she did was threaten to take away his laptop. She, of course, dislikes me strongly, so I can't talk to her about all this. I just feel so incredibly lost. Which is probably stupid, because he sounds way more lost than I am.

The rest of our relationship is great. We get along fantastically when his mother isn't around or complaining about me. We've known each other for 6 years, dating off and on. Altogether, it's been tough, but the good overrides the bad.

If by "this" you mean the relationship, then we met in a math class. If by "this" you mean him opening up to me however much he has done, then it was him drinking and crying in 2011.

I'm truly sorry for not being able to give more detail. My best friend says to find a counselor. I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow (-.-).

Hi there!

Ok. Sounds like you know this guy, and you've known him for quite a few years now. Sounds like he has expressed some interest about attraction to juveniles. Sounds like you see him as having some issues with alcoholism and some issues with anger. You say he has a story about abuse. You have been wanting to have the both of you see a councilor. You say you are feeling concerned and confused about all this...

Is that about what you wrote?

- Some issues is not a reason not to marry a person. Most people are not wise sages, you are probably both young and there is a lot of room and time to learn about emotional dynamics and heal.

- You're talking about pedophilia right? Unless he is a controlling type, in my view it's not breaking anyone's trust to go to friends or family or an online site and talk about your feelings and concerns, that's normal and healthy, it isn't a betrayal of trust.

- About pedophilia, the DSM5 changed significantly from the DSMiv: pedophilia is not in the DSM5, only Pedophilic Disorder is: that means simply being attracted to little girls or boys is not considered a mental illness any longer, it is only now considered a mental illness if it causes the subject a significant amount of distress, or there are laws being broken. You may not be aware that research is showing that about 90% of men can be turned on by stories and images of sexy little girls; about 25% will admit this in a secure setting. What that says is your fiance is sexually normal, and he is more honest than average: both probably good things.

- There are many counseling options available to you. You could see your family doctor, a wise grandparent, or a church pastor. You could go to Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon. You could see a psychologist or councilor (big difference actually). You could attend counseling related retreats and courses and educate yourselves <--- I would recommend this but obviously it's a personal thing what you will find most beneficial. Since some of the issues you bring up are quite trendy these days: child abuse and pedophilia, I wonder if you can get fair treatment from a professional who might just sell you the current slogans; this is why it might be the best of all to teach yourself about emotional dynamics and healing and work it out together, maybe with some support and expertise from others but keeping license and control of direction between the two of you.

Congratulations on finding someone and with your wedding!

I'll be a dissenting voice here. If he can't talk to you when he's sober, there is a problem here. The rages that make you not want to bring up the subject also sound like a problem. Marrying someone who makes you afraid doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

That said, I'd probably be pissed off to be reminded that I'd slipped up and blabbed while drunk a few years ago. Mad at myself more than mad at the person who I blabbed to, but that might be hard to recognize from the outside.

Urges feeling stronger when you're lonely isn't exactly uncommon. Makes sense when you think about it. You get lonely, so you want to not be lonely, so you start imagining the ideal way to end the loneliness. And for pedophiles like me, that'd involve a young child.

Now, you calling his comment on your cousin "insane" probably isn't helping him want to open up further to you. I always pull back from people whenever they express a negative view of my sexual interests, whether they know about my orientation or not. It's basic self defense.

As to wanting to have kids, what is your concern there? More nonpedophiles molest their own children than pedophiles do. Pedophiles think little kids are sexy. We aren't immune to the westermark effect simply by virtue of being pedophiles.

Unfortunately, finding good counciling services for this issue is a hassle. It's rare to find a psychiatric professional who fits well on the first try, and there's a lot of trust that needs to be involved to share this sort of thing.

I think it is very good of you to be seeking help, and that you are not betraying a trust by doing so, because you are talking in an anonymous way about somebody none of us know. You aren't actually saying anything about a specific person here. Nobody can tell the difference: this could all be hypothetical. You are not telling US about HIM. Because you are dealing with things that you don't have enough information about to feel comfortable, I think you really need to be talking to safe outside sources like us, and to counselors.

Are you saying that it is critically important to your security in future married life that you two would be doing counseling together? That's what I heard. Why not start that now? There's no reason to wait. If there are reasons counseling won't work, or reasons you can't be there for him in counseling, you want to know that now.

I hear your comment that a counselor would just tell you that you should leave him. I don't know if that's what will happen, but, you probably need to be asking yourself something: if your reason to avoid counseling is that you don't want to hear what they'll say, how good a choice would you be making?

It should be comforting to understand that attractions do not necessarily lead to actions. But I think it is also discomforting that attraction to your underage cousin did lead to a comment that troubled you. I personally have my own reasons for being on this discussion board and I wouldn't put a comment like that out there to somebody, unless it was in the context of working together on something that we're making progress on; I think it'd be weird to just pop a comment out there that others wouldn't identify with and leave it there. I think it sounds like another turn in a conversation that had better be continuing, and not a completed train of thought by itself. I guess the events you've had so far in your relationship are your best indicator of what will happen in the rest of your relationship.

You may have the chance here of a good strong relationship and marriage. I think it would be on the basis of investing yourselves in it, and already being working on the things you think will need work. It sounds like the options are currently open. Don't shy away from the hard parts -- that's probably the one thing that would limit you the most. Use the safety of confidential relationships and get what you believe you both need, as the basis for going forward. At least, that's what I think you should do (and I'm just some anonymous person in a discussion forum so you can count that as big or small as you see fit).

B4U-ACT run a support forum (here) for friends and family of so-called 'minor-attracted persons'. I think this would be right up your street. Of course, you're very welcome to continue posting here.

(I know you're supposed to get permission when posting links, but I can't see how any of the mods would object to this link in particular.)

I ended things with him. I'm never going back. I was too scared. I mean, if we got married and have kids, I'd have spent the rest of my life not trusting him to not molest my children, so, yeah, in the end and with other thoughts involved, I couldn't keep being engaged to him.

But, thank you all for your comments. <3

I hope you both find what you need in the fullness of time.