I think I'm a pedophile

Hello,
Before anything I want to make a brief back story of how I started to become a pedophile, I was like 11 or 12 years old when I have my first encounter with child pornography, I found it in a computer of a relative, my brother, I have always been curious and I found his pornography folder and it was really big, and with photos and videos of both genders, girls and boys, and all class of intercourse. I remember it really well, and I developed a Hate-Love relation with that archives, I really liked the photos of girl of my age but at the same time I feel ashamed of my brother, he was sick.
I've never been molested nor abused in any sense, my family always checked my well and looked for my security, but I think my brother molested another children, he's 12 years older than me, and I remember photos of he with children and I still living with him, in my mother house, I'm great with computers and I know it's bad but I used a Keylogger to check what he does in the computer and he have a fake Facebook where he use a profile picture of a girl and ask boys to send him pics, that really make me feel shudders, now he's getting loner and without lots of friends, he used to have a lot, I remember it, he used to bring his friends to our house or go to parties but now he just go out to make some exercise.

Now I'm 16 and I don't have problems with people, I always get along with all kind of people, and of course, I like girls of my age but I also like little girls of 9-13 years old, I don't have any attraction to boys. But sometimes I feel like I need the company of a younger girl, I don't know why but I just want to cuddle with one girl and love her, I don't have a big sexual attraction towards younger girls, I've to confess that sometimes I look for child pornography on internet, and watch it but at the end I feel ashamed and guilty of doing it, the only thing that I don't feel guilty about doing it is collect pictures of cute girls, not sexual pictures, just pictures of cute little girls.
Why am I doing this?

Firstly: you have to stop watching the childporn. You're risking ruining your life by watching it - if you get caught you risk prison time and social stigma.

You may be a pedophile or you may simply be curious - you're young and you are still developing sexually. If you find other porn sexually appealing, then this may well just be a passing phase.

Be kind to yourself, but quit the illegal porn.

I would agree with Platonic totally, you are still young and at a hard time in life discovering more about yourself sexually. It could indeed just be a phase.

But yes you must quit the CP forever and get rid of it, I know from experience and believe me you don't want to go through what I am right now.

As for your brother it really does sound like he needs help too, whether it is something you can talk to him about and try and help him to only you can tell if that is a good idea or not, but assuming your not that close then it probably is not something you can help him with.

I am really concerned about what you have said about your brother too if I am honest and something really needs to be done, he can't go on like that he needs help as much as you do right now. When you say you think he has molested children if you have evidence of this then you really need to tell someone but I know that won't be easy to do or who you should tell.

Stop watching child pornography.

I'm not gonna add more. Stop watching it. I need to be rude, I need to be harsh, seriously. I know you're already probably just addicted to it, but please stop. Here I'll give you a list of reasons:

1) it f*cks up your mind
2) it contributes to the exploitation of innocent children
3) the police is gonna catch you if you keep doing so, they monitor those sites and track IPs
4) it is illegal, highly illegal
5) it's highly addictive
6) it might contribute you to put you into a state of mind to want to try those things on children

One word. Stop.

Are you a pedophile? Too early to say so. Wait a few more years, let your sexuality full develop and come out naturally.

So, I fully agree with platonic and airwolffan so far.

I'm trying to stop, but you're right people, the pornography, it's becoming an addiction, I have already like a week and half without watching it but I feel like a need of watching it, I just watch the little girls pictures, today I watched them but I don't see them in a sexual way, just like they're cute, but I feel like a love sensation when I see them.
And about my brother, I really don't want to talk about it with him, I don't feel the confidence to talk with him about that things, and call the cops and give them evidence, I think like if I was betraying my family, after all he's my family.
And thinking about it, I think he started to be like this when he left the home for 4 or 5 years, and sometimes he go to the house were he used to live, in his holiday.

ludwi wrote:I'm trying to stop, but you're right people, the pornography, it's becoming an addiction, I have already like a week and half without watching it but I feel like a need of watching it, I just watch the little girls pictures, today I watched them but I don't see them in a sexual way, just like they're cute, but I feel like a love sensation when I see them.
And about my brother, I really don't want to talk about it with him, I don't feel the confidence to talk with him about that things, and call the cops and give them evidence, I think like if I was betraying my family, after all he's my family.
And thinking about it, I think he started to be like this when he left the home for 4 or 5 years, and sometimes he go to the house were he used to live, in his holiday.

It is important to know what he does in his house where he used to live....

No people, it's not that I watch too many movies, but my perverted mind says he could use that house to molest children. What if he's doing that? Something needs to be done, and talk to him about it!

You are between a rock and a hard place because whatever investigations surrounding him are surely to rub off on you as well. Although if you DBAN all your hard disks (and aren't a douche and have it on CDs...seriously) I suspect that your illegal internet activity will be assigned to him. There's no reason you can't think about younger girls, you just have to follow the strange red tape of not having any sexually explicit material of them. Other people you know in real life generally aren't responsible enough to know how you were born.

FSaved wrote:You are between a rock and a hard place because whatever investigations surrounding him are surely to rub off on you as well. Although if you DBAN all your hard disks (and aren't a douche and have it on CDs...seriously) I suspect that your illegal internet activity will be assigned to him. There's no reason you can't think about younger girls, you just have to follow the strange red tape of not having any sexually explicit material of them. Other people you know in real life generally aren't responsible enough to know how you were born.

About that, I'm not afraid of police or law inforcement against me, I'm really careful with computers, but that's not my problem, the problem is that I can't left it really easy, I don't want to see it but I feel the need to do it, and when I do, I feel ashamed.

ludwi wrote:I'm trying to stop, but you're right people, the pornography, it's becoming an addiction, I have already like a week and half without watching it but I feel like a need of watching it, I just watch the little girls pictures, today I watched them but I don't see them in a sexual way, just like they're cute, but I feel like a love sensation when I see them.
And about my brother, I really don't want to talk about it with him, I don't feel the confidence to talk with him about that things, and call the cops and give them evidence, I think like if I was betraying my family, after all he's my family.
And thinking about it, I think he started to be like this when he left the home for 4 or 5 years, and sometimes he go to the house were he used to live, in his holiday.

I can understand your reluctance to do anything about this, but one day someone will say something if he is abusing children, or he will get caught for downloading the stuff he was.

I understand you feel like you would be betraying your family but you also need to protect them and any children that might be at risk, if you have any evidence he has molested children you have to tell someone, whether that be your mum or the authorities. It can also be done anonymously if you prefer so he need never know it was you that spilt the beans so to speak.

Just posting what you have said here could already have been reported to the authorities in your country about him. Tough love is what it takes sometimes, especially if you care about someone in the family when they are destroying their life and possibly destroying the lives of others too.

I can't tell you what to do as I am not a saint and am paying for my mistakes already and never want to see anyone going through the same as I am now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can come out of this a better person and so could your brother if he really wants too.

If you think that you're safe with computers I'd suggest taking a trip to Bruce Schneier's blog. The more you know about information security, the less secure you think you are. If you're sixteen years old, I'd say chances are pretty slim that you're going to give law enforcement a hard time. And if you ever do get to that point, covering it up will consume your life defeating the purpose of pedophilia in the first place.