What am I?!? Poss TW

Hi, new here, hope this is in the right bit.. I think it is..

Iv been watching this forum for a while now and I thought it's time I put my story across.
I'm in a really bad place and state of mind at the moment .
I'm a 24 year old girl from the uk, between the ages of 5 and 11 my step-grandfather repeatedly sexually and indecently assaulted me, I was never raped but if you think of everything but rape, that's what I went through.
it came to a point that for years in my teen life I justified his actions by saying he must have been Ill, had mental health problems, and buried it deep in the back of my mind.
I was petrified to tell anybody as he'd threaten that id lose my mum n dad etc if I told back then, so I kept quiet, recently it has all come out through someone in the family I told in confidence , and police proceedings are taking place, having an video interview today has brought all this to light,
Does it make him evil that he's done this? That he crossed the line? I see peadophiles on here talkin about what they'd like to do but wouldn't dream of doing it. Is that because you'd consider it evil? And because your thinking of the child in question and the impact it has on them?? Is he genuinely a bad person?

Also, today I said out loud for the first time the impact this has had on my life and it concerns me deeply..

Firstly any partners that I have become close to I will never let them touch me 'down there' with their hand, I don't know why, I'll do everything else sexually but that feel of a hand against my thigh and I just freak, and bat their hand away. Why don't I freak out about the other things I do????

Secondly, and this is the worst bit, since I was 13 ish and first became explorative and 'aroused' and began masturbating, my thoughts are always of a man (not my step-grandad) of 60+ , I don't know who he is but he's obviously an elderly man, doing the things he'd originally done to me, with me as a 10 year old ... If I'm alone then that's my train of thought, with a partner it doesn't even cross my mind. So strange and so disturbing. The things he done we're devastating why do I become excited by this??? I feel ashamed and disgusted and so confused about the whole thing. I don't know , I jus feel like screaming but I have a really bad support network .. Am I maybe some kind of paedophile?? For thinking of a child and an old Mann... Even tho the child is me?? My heads a mess. Any questions pls feel free to ask I'm sorry if this is all a bit all over the place..

Don't worry, you're definitely not a pedophile. If you were, then your fantasies would be about you having sex with a child.

Coming out about the impact this had on your life is the first step to recovering from what happened. After the police proceedings you could maybe find a support group or counselor to help you through these feelings. They are normal for abuse survivors.

Good luck, I hope everything goes smoothly for you from here on.

Thank u, that makes sense, I hope it does too, but I'm skeptical about counselling/therapy does it really work can it help me with these vile thoughts? I don't understand how just going over it can help and how some words from a complete stranger can help? It really affects me and I find myself breaking down when I think about it, I've been to the doctor about it and all he wants to do is put me on anti d's and anti anxiety tablets and I don't think I want to venture into the medication world, I fear I won't come back!
I'm so ###$ up what id give to be normal! Or at least have my family support me not doubt me and what happened! People still sit round his house drinking cups of tea with him and my younger cousins! Makes me sick!

but I'm skeptical about counselling/therapy does it really work can it help me with these vile thoughts?

Whether therapy can help you with your fantasies, I'm not sure. I mainly meant that counseling may help you through the pain you're feeling from being abused. And it would also help to have someone to talk to who believes you instead of doubting you and trusting him.

I don't think I want to venture into the medication world, I fear I won't come back!

I agree, I don't think medications would be a good idea for you, especially since your state of mind is a result of what happened to you. Giving you medications won't help you heal from abuse.

Or at least have my family support me not doubt me and what happened! People still sit round his house drinking cups of tea with him and my younger cousins! Makes me sick!

Yeah, it's sick that people have the tendency to doubt victims or even go so far as to blame them for what happened to them. I guess they don't want to believe that their family member could be an abuser - they probably had a good opinion of him before, and don't want to believe that he could be a bad person.

Soconfused189 wrote:Hi, new here, hope this is in the right bit.. I think it is..

This is the right place to speak with those of us with unusual sexual interests. If that's your intent here, you've come to the right place.

There are a few different support boards around here that focus in sexual abuse and child abuse of various kinds. You might find people who can better answer your particular questions about how to cope and what to expect from treatment there.

It's probably worth noting that the overwhelming majority of child molesters aren't pedophiles, and your step-grandfather might not have been one. So-called situation offenders molest children not because they are sexually attracted to children, but for other reasons, such as dominance plays, or just because children are physically smaller and weaker, and easier to silence.

Soconfused189 wrote:Does it make him evil that he's done this?

I seem to be one of the more judgemental people in this particular area. Evil is a word I'd feel comfortable using in this case. You know the details and are in a better position to judge than I, but based on what you've said, that's my ethical assessment.

Soconfused189 wrote:That he crossed the line?

He crossed several lines, actually. A lot of people talk about "the line", as though once you do one bad thing, it's not meaningfully different than doing worse things.

There's the obvious line of molesting a child. There's the second line of doing so against that child's will, which he obviously was if he felt the need to threaten you into silence. Which leads to the third line of threatening you into silence.

Soconfused189 wrote:I see peadophiles on here talkin about what they'd like to do but wouldn't dream of doing it. Is that because you'd consider it evil? And because your thinking of the child in question and the impact it has on them??

The only reason I don't molest children is because I care about the impact it has on them.

I don't consider having sex with children in and of itself evil. I believe that having sex with anyone against their will is evil. I believe that having sex with a child, even with their consent, in this society, is very likely to lead to harm coming to the child, and as such is reckless enough that it deserves censure.

I can elaborate if you like, but I think that covers the basics.

Soconfused189 wrote:Why don't I freak out about the other things I do????

This is one of those questions that you're more likely to find useful advice on the other parts of the board I mentioned. I can only tell you that you don't need to justify your feelings on this. What specific triggers and hangups an individual develops after abuse are personal to them. While there may be common trends, and you may eventually be able to explain it, you don't need to be able to answer this question to feel entitled to have that boundary respected.

Soconfused189 wrote:The things he done we're devastating why do I become excited by this??? I feel ashamed and disgusted and so confused about the whole thing.

This, I know, is a common response. You don't need to feel ashamed, and it doesn't mean you approve of what he did. It's just one of the more insideous lingering symptoms of abuse.

Soconfused189 wrote:I don't know , I jus feel like screaming but I have a really bad support network ..

I am so sorry to hear that the people around you aren't being as helpful in supporting you as you need. I hope you'll find some of the support you need here, and hopefully, once the initial shock wears off, the people in your life will get better at lending support. You deserve to be heard and helped.

Soconfused189 wrote:Am I maybe some kind of paedophile?? For thinking of a child and an old Mann... Even tho the child is me??

Nah, you're not a pedophile. There are other terms for being aroused by the idea of being a child. I'm not sure which specifically would apply in your case.

Soconfused189 wrote:I don't understand how just going over it can help and how some words from a complete stranger can help?

One thing that a therapist can provide is some of what you've been asking us for. Context. They can let you know how other people who've been through similiar experiences have coped with the experience and moved forward.

Soconfused189 wrote:It really affects me and I find myself breaking down when I think about it, I've been to the doctor about it and all he wants to do is put me on anti d's and anti anxiety tablets and I don't think I want to venture into the medication world, I fear I won't come back!

Only you can decide if a course of treatment is right for you. If you don't want to go on medication, you have every right to make clear to any potential therapist that you want to treat your issues exclusively through talk therapy, CBT techniques and the like. If they don't agree to your terms, you can find someone else who will. Trust is an important part of vetting a therapist and finding one who's right for you.

Soconfused189 wrote:I'm so ###$ up what id give to be normal! Or at least have my family support me not doubt me and what happened! People still sit round his house drinking cups of tea with him and my younger cousins! Makes me sick!

Don't take this as me disbelieving you. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that your family doesn't know what happened. They know you made a claim, but the whole reason we have a court system is that people are generally $#%^ at telling which claims are true and which ones are false. Erring on the side of "not guilty" is sort of an important value in my opinion, and I consider it a good thing if that's a difficult one to clear.

My personal policy is to believe the victim when they're looking for help and support, but defend the rights of the accused when a specific allegation is made until such a time as it's proven.

Hi and welcome here

I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences as a child. It's so difficult when someone steps over our boundaries and hurts us like that. I think therapy can help with many things, but maybe most importantly it's someone who understands just that. Understands those feelings and can help with how to move on and deal with the feelings, as well being a support.

I myself have experienced CSA (Child Sexual Abuse). I'm sorry your family is disbelieving you in such a way. That must be very difficult.

As for your sexuality. The fantasy you described is very common for people who have been abused and/or have PTSD. I myself have written a post about being sexually attracted to men who look like and have the same humour as one of my abusers (though he wasn't sexually abusive). I am also exclusively attracted to people who are about 15-25+ years older than me, which I assume in part comes from this. I've in the past been turned on and fantasized about some of the things I went through as a child, and after a lot of work in therapy I am no longer turned on by those thoughts.

What you went through was wrong and he had no right to do that to you. There are people on here (and in real life such as therapists, counselors, support groups and just regular people) who understand. If you want be to I can copy your thread so it shows up in the Sexual Abuse part of the forum as well, or you can make your own post. That's your decision if you want to do any of that though