Zoophile: Loss Of A Partner

I'm a Zoophile. I am attracted to animals, both physically and psychologically, just as I am with humans. For years now I've been in love with my dog, Cookie. We grew up together, and I found her incredibly attractive. I think she was beautiful inside and out, and I love her with all my heart...Today I had to put her to sleep. She was almost 14 years old, and has been suffering from arthritis in both of her hind legs and Alzheimer's for a few years. Both conditions got to the point where no medicine could help her anymore and she was suffering. While at the vet, they said she also had a mass in her right shoulder blade that looked like the start of bone cancer. I know that putting her to sleep was best for her, and it's all part of responsible pet ownership...But my poor baby was absolutely terrified. She knew what was happening, and she wasn't ready to go. I know she wasn't. She struggled throughout the whole procedure...They had to put a muzzle on her and my dad and I both had to hold her down...She was shaking and growling and crying the entire time, until she didn't have the strength to do so anymore. She pissed herself...I held her and kissed her and told her I loved her and that she was ok the entire time, even after she slipped away...But I'm so afraid that she felt betrayed.

How do you cope with the loss of a significant other? Are there any other Zoos here who have been through something like this? I've never had something like this happen, and my heart is shattered. I keep expecting her to still be here, and then I remember...I feel so guilty and so alone...I don't know what to do. I'm falling apart. I want my baby girl back and I know I can't have her...Please help me...

I'm not a zoophile, but there is a dog I've loved in every other way that I had to put down. She was the sweetest creature I've ever known. She had a degenerative spinal condition. Paralysis gradually worked its way up her tail, froze her hindlegs, and eventually got to the point that she couldn't move. I knew I was going to have to put her down eventually, when we couldn't maintain her quality of life with the harness we used as a mobility aid for her, and to an extent I was as prepared as I could be, but it's never enough. I still love and miss that dog, and the loss still hurts a little more than a decade later.

All I can really tell you is cry all you feel you need to, seek the comfort of loved ones whenever possible, and grieve the same way we all grieve whenever we loose anyone close to us. Remember the good times as best you can, and while the loss will probably never stop hurting a little, it can fade enough that the good memories are more sweet than bitter.

My heart goes out to you. Be well.

I know you posted a while back about her being sick...I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this

It sounds like you did the best thing for her, I know you said she was struggling and didn't want to go...but I think it would have been just as horrible and painful for her to go through cancer in addition to her other conditions, you know? It sucks when someone is suffering and we can't do much to help them. But you got 14 great years with her, that's something to be thankful for, right?

Have you buried her yet? Maybe you could have a funeral or something with your family...we did that with my pets growing up and even marked one of them with a little gravestone...

(p.s. also not a zoophile, sorry)

I cried myself to sleep last night, and cried some more this morning when I woke up...I've never felt this alone. It's so strange, her bed being gone from my room and her food bowl gone from the kitchen. Not hearing her bark when the other dogs bark...It's such an empty feeling. I'm trying my best to think of all the good times, but the image of her final moments kind of poisons it...I know it would have been selfish of me to keep her alive for longer. She was very hesitant to eat and I had to mix human food into it to get her to eat at all. Her strength was declining and there was muscle atrophy in both of her hind legs and in her front right. She was going blind and deaf, and the poor thing was extremely senile and had to take medicine to help with incontinence. She would go outside and bark frantically at nothing, whirling around like there was an invisible pack of wolves surrounding her. I did the right thing...I know I did...But the guilt of her final moments being filled with absolute terror, being muzzled and restrained by people she loved and trusted, just kills me...

I thank you both for your kind words. Zoophilia doesn't seem to be quite as common as other paraphilias here, so it doesn't surprise me that no other Zoos have responded. I know I'll have other dogs eventually, but no dog can possibly take her place in my heart. She has a special place there forever, and I can only hope that when my time comes I'll be reunited with her in some way or another. The vet has her body right now, and is collecting a little bit of fur and ceramic paw prints to give to me along with her ashes once she's cremated. She has her bed and her favorite toy with her. I like to think that she's back to her old self now, running at top speed and chasing deer somewhere in the next world. I hope she understands that I was doing what was best for her...

I Kitty, I am a zoophile....

To tell you the truth, i shed a tear reading your story, during my whole life i've only had cats, but cats are not one of the animal races i feel atracted to, i know what it is to lose a pet, but not a lover pet because i never had a dog...

I feel so sorry for you, cookie sure looks wonderfull, a beautifull dog indeed, and i can feel in my heart just how much you loved her....

I strongly believe she know what you did was for her sake, she was ready to leave, but she wasn't ready to leave you... It's harder for a dog to leave the ones they love uncondicionally, that's why we see cases of dogs that spend the rest of theyr lifes next to the graves of theyr owners....

She knew you didn't wanted to hurt her, she knew your intention was to release her from her pain, but think of her as a child, your baby child, somethings childs are scared of what they know its best, even if they understand its for the best....

She made you very happy, as much as you made her, and for that, she will allways be thankfull... Treasure the moments you had, burry her ashes and have her a little gravestone, that way her memory will remain pure, the ritual will be done, and maybe your mourning won't be so great...

Hope you go through this well my friend.... My heart goes to you and your beautifull and wonderfull doggie

No matter if you're a zoophile or just a loving animal owner, the loss of a family-member is absolutely horrible.

I hope you do alright and move onwards. The things I've done is to remove all physical memories from my everyday, but keep them in a place. Like a box with her leash, maybe a bit of hair and a chewtoy. This way I can control the sadness by not suddenly encountering an object that triggers painful memories.

I too am to most likely be putting my 2 cats down soon due to my social situation and a soon to be change in residential placing.

I feel sorry for you, but know that you will move on with the happy memory of a wonderful dog having made your life wonderful. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll be ready to take in a new little pup that needs love? Maybe from a shelter or a rescue center? Dogs are wonderful beasts with more emotion than anyone can expect! They need love and will return it tenfold.

"Be the person your dog thinks you are"

Hey ineedhope, you are putting two cats down???

Damn, i feel sorry for you dude, thats pretty grim news man....

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm not a zoophile....but I love my pets as if they were my children and I know I would be heartbroken if I were to lose one of them.

Hang in there and stay strong.

This was written in our PM, before I had a chance to read this. I've since elaborated on it.

I'm sorry to hear that.

But you have to remember that with her age and health conditions, she now can finally rest peacefully. I realize that what you're feeling is unbearable, and your loss unimaginably tragic, but the sooner you accept her being at peace, the sooner you will be able to grasp on to that love that you had for her, and still hold on to. Even though she may not physically be there, the time you had together and the love you still hold on to for her will always be infinite.

I understand that you feel as though she may have thought betrayed. However, that's the thing about love. To be able to come off as the bad person, or appear to wrong the person we love, when in fact we do the things we do to protect them, save them, or even to have the slightest good effect on them, regardless of the harshness of our sacrifices.

It matters not if those who we love hate us, feel betrayed, or deceived. If our actions are meant for their betterment, in any form or amount, then we bare through those struggles because our love for them is so strong.

Purely remember that in times like these, it is not about getting over your pain of morning, but grasping back that love.

LiliumtheGreat wrote:Hey ineedhope, you are putting two cats down???

Damn, i feel sorry for you dude, thats pretty grim news man....

I've just ended a long relationship with my fiancé due to all this... bad stuff... So I'm forced to move and I don't think I can take my two boys with me.

Even if I could I'm most likely looking at jail-time, so that's that.

Animals have a special place in my heart, much similar to OP, though not to the same degree. Though I do feel ALOT of sympathy for her.

It all just sucks today,...