putting my paraphiliac life together MIGHT TRIGGER

The signs

The fact that I'm a pedophile is already well known to myself and others here, brief summary: evident signs showed last summer, so about 6-7 months ago, confirmed in August, however, weak signs of pedophilia were already "out" for me to see back when I was about 15: felt attracted to a 11 year-old in a movie, in the summer felt attracted to a little girl who looked pretty young, something like 9-10 and I remember I was very obsessed with her, like really attracted to her childish body. And other attractions I had when I was 17 for younger girls aged 12-13, but I always thought I couldn't go that much lower, instead...here I am, finding myself glancing at some cute 8 year-old...anyway...it's only now that I'm almost 21 that my sexuality is emerging to the surface after being buried deep down in my mind, and you'd agree with me that teen years are very confusing and one does not always know what's up until he/she becomes more mature and grown up.

About the sadistic side...uhmmm, signs of this can be found back when I was 17 and had fantasies of beating up the girl I "loved", who was 17 just like me and a class mate as well. Yes, I had fantasies of dominating her, both psychologically and physically, and even fantasies of raping her.
Earlier, I had also experienced manipulative behaviors, using the threat of suicide to accomplish my needs such as texting a particular girl, etc.
It was a period of extreme sufferance for me, though. At 16, blood fetish began to show itself.
At 20, pedophilia was confirmed and later, exclusiveness appeared, not sure if I actually "turned" exclusive or just found out about being exclusive despite I had been attracted to 18 year olds too.

As I wrote somehwhere else, I've always been attracted to horror, serial killers, mysteries and the occult, ever since I was just 6, when I watched my first horror movie about a serial killer hiding in the dark and stabbing his victims.
Horror movies, graveyards, the occult, paranormal phenomena, God and Satan, this stuff has always been my daily bread, I grew up with this stuff. I grew up playing Resident Evil and Silent Hill games with my older sisters, and a bunch of other similar videogames.
Does it have anything to do with the fantasies I have now? Did all of this contribute to shape my once young mind and turn me into who I am now? Or do I use these things to satisfy something in me that was present since birth? Who knows!

Nearly 21 now, and I haven't changed a bit. I'm still a horror fan, still obsessed with everything related to Silent Hill videogames (including the movie), still a "darkness" lover, still obsessed with serial killers, rapists, psychopaths and whatever. Yes, it's something deep in me, hard-wired in my brain.
Did I mention graveyards? To me, those are sacred places, and places that make me relax and be comfortable, far from the filthy, evil world of the living ones.

Then in these recent months things got clarified and defined....

The "ghost" of sexual sadism

The ghost of sadism, though, knocked on my door about two days ago. I mean, it's not like it has not been there through all of this time, it's just that it confirmed its presence in my mind.
Here, things start to make more and more sense, as days pass by, things get clearer.
So, here I am, he said, bringing into your life more awareness. Spanking, raping, tying up, handcuffing, abduction, occasionally whipping, penetrating the girl with objects and God knows what else will come to my mind later, they're all "becoming" parts of my fantasies, like added ingredients of a big cake, and of course only little girls are involved, no adult women. Adult women are not part of anything in my life, really, just friendships.

A deeper look into my fantasies:

Sadistic practices only involve girls from 12 to 15, while regular, "soft" sexual practices involve younger girls, 8-10 (kissing, oral sex, touching).
So, I'm not able to feel romantic interest, right?
Wrong. I do feel romantic interest, currently I'm actually in love with a 12 year-old girl from my town, so....and girls who are part of my romantic interest, they do not appear in my sadistic fantasies either, just like younger children. Why? I don't know, my interest for them is more romantic and less sexual, and when less sex is involved, less pain is involved, according to my mind. I don't know if this makes sense.
BUT something present in my fantasies about the girl I love is abduction, but just to take care of her and keep her away from the external world, an evil world.

So, while the "just sexually arousing" young girl would receive the worst treatments (all the sadistic stuff, etc.), the girls I feel romantically interested into would have the best treatments. So, you better behave and try to conquer my heart and make me fall in love with you, unless you want me to tie you up in a bed and play with your mind and body, I say in my fantasies to girls.
So, in this moment I'm imaging it all like a game of punishment or salvation. For example, girl X begins to say things she shouldn't say, do things she shouldn't do, she gets tied up and either spanked or whipped once. But girl Y is very good and sweet to me, so she's safe. All of this, happening in an isolated mountain mansion while outside it's snowing and we're in the middle of nowhere, pretty much in a Shining's lifestyle (from The Shining, S. King's novel and Kubrick's movie).

As I wrote somewhere else before, the blood fetish returns in my fantasies, even involving menstrual blood of a little girl who just had her period, or sucking her blood from a wound....
Something that's knocking on the door of my mind and this time, it is something new, it's a curiosity for the urine. I wouldn't certainly mind standing below a little girl and, you know, waiting for some...
Is this a new fantasy? Uhmmm, surprisingly, thinking twice about it, it's not. I'm sure I had seen something like this in a movie as a kid.
Seeing sex scenes too early in my life seriously f*cked me up, or not? What would you think about this? Am I right when I say that my early exposure to sexual stuff contributed to make me develop some fetishes? (Not talking about my paraphilia, or better said, my orientation, which is pedophilia).

The picture seems complete:

-Exclusive pedophile
-Sexual sadist
-Syringe and drug fetishes
-Blood fetish
-Urine fetish (?)


What am I trying to prove here? That signs of paraphilias and fetishes are various, and that time tells you who you are. Besides, unlike paraphilias such as pedophilia, necrophilia, or zoophilia, fetishes develop later in life due to something "going wrong" so you associate something non-sexual to sex.
Also, accepting to be a paraphiliac and making sure things remain in your head only, without being turned into actions, can lead to a healthier life, instead of constantly blaming yourself for being "abnormal". My case is different, though, since I actually fear losing control.

What am I asking here? Is it an urine fetish, or just an occasional thought going on in my mind?
How do I find out whether I have this other one fetish or not?