Relationship problem between two "homocidal" sadists

I'm in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, who is currently studying abroad. We are both what you could call "homocidal sadists", meaning we are sadists but it extends to killing. We don't kill, but our sexual preferences are to that extent and we often incorporate very violent elements into our sex life. We are also pedophiles and a bunch of other taboo labels. We aren't bothered by any of this, but are happy that we've found each other. We keep each other in check and under control. We use hardcore BDSM to let out our aggression as much as possible. Before this problem entered our life, he was dominant and I was a mixture of sometimes dominant/sometimes submissive.

When he first moved abroad, though we are long distance, we began exploring his more submissive side (ex. making him do submissive/degrading things via Skype). It was weird at first, but we enjoyed it very much, as it was so different than our normal thing and decided to include this in our sex life once he comes home. The problem is that he no longer wants to be dominant. He says he prefers being submissive. He also says, for him, being submissive is a way to relax and de-stress and that he feels kind of silly being dominant now.

This is a huge issue for me, because I feel like I've lost him a little. It was such a relief to be with someone as "horrible" as me, but now it's like dating a fluffy little kitten compared to how he once was. I understand that he's under a lot of stress and that this helps him, but I feel like my needs are being neglected, despite him saying he feels bad and tries to do other, more "vanilla" things to get me off. My sadism is getting out of hand again as well because I'm no longer able to release my aggression, which could be very problematic if I let this continue. I'm under my own stress, but now I have no effective way of de-stressing.

We've discussed this issue time and time again, but nothing ever resolves. It has gotten to the point where he gets off sometimes multiple times a day, most often wanting me to dominate him, and I'm left to try to deal with myself later on, usually through gore videos (which are becoming boring).

What am I supposed to do? I fell in love with him because we're so much alike, and I finally had found someone who I could be myself around without being labeled a monster. He doesn't even feel like the same guy now. He says he will becoming dominant again when he comes home in 2 years, but I can't wait that long. I'm becoming resentful any time he wants to get off, because what about me?

I'm posting this here, because this is not your average BDSM stuff and asking for advice anywhere else would just include 'you need therapy' or 'you guys are sick'. Without sounding edgy, we really are your typical societal "monsters", but we do not hurt people and are going to attend therapy once he returns home. I hope we won't be judged here and that someone has some advice.

To be honest, from what you are writing your problems seem fairly common for most long distance couples. The longest I have ever been separated from my boyfriend has been 10 months but there were a couple of extra 6 months apart here and there.

Will it really be another 2 years before you see each other or until he comes back for good?

This is important because a lot can happen in 2 years, but if you see each other before then, than maybe you can tough this dry-spell out until you see each other and then you can reevaluate once you have seen him if he has really changed for good or if it is a sort of phase and how attached you still are (if you are willing to put up with the wait and submissiveness.)

You said you have spoken to him about it many times and he still doesn't seem to change? This will sound annoying, but did you really clearly communicate your feelings to him about how much it was bothering you? You could also try setting an ultimatum, but then you have to respect it too to show that you are serious. You have been using skype to satisfy your desires, maybe try another medium. I don't have really any suggestions, but you might need to spice it up to rekindle his interest. I'm not saying it's your fault, but maybe trying something new will make him interested in being dominant again.

Remember long distance relationships are tough for everyone and they require a lot of communication if they are going to work, especially since those kind of relations are pretty much just communication.

Why wait for him to come back before starting the therapy anyway?

Ohhhhhh my goodness get out of my dating history!!

This sounds EXACTLY like a situation I've been in/am still in, except for the LDR bit. I'm not sure what to say except that you have to decide how much you love him and how much it bothers you that he's changed. Which one is more important to you? Is there an agreement you can come to?

Personally...though I can be dominant and I occasionally enjoy it, with a man I prefer to be submissive. In my own situation, I was extremely bothered that he grew more and more submissive to me. It feels like something is missing from my life when I'm completely dominant. Even though I have a few male submissives, it's difficult for me to have that as my primary relationship. It got to the point where we just had to agree to an open relationship so we could have our thing and I could get what I need (because I DO care for him).When I met him, I loved the darkness in him because it mirrored what I saw in myself.

I have a question though. Why does he try to do vanilla things if you aren't really a vanilla couple??

btw, PM me if you wish to chat in depth.

xoPinkerbelleox wrote:Ohhhhhh my goodness get out of my dating history!!

This sounds EXACTLY like a situation I've been in/am still in, except for the LDR bit. I'm not sure what to say except that you have to decide how much you love him and how much it bothers you that he's changed. Which one is more important to you? Is there an agreement you can come to?

Personally...though I can be dominant and I occasionally enjoy it, with a man I prefer to be submissive. In my own situation, I was extremely bothered that he grew more and more submissive to me. It feels like something is missing from my life when I'm completely dominant. Even though I have a few male submissives, it's difficult for me to have that as my primary relationship. It got to the point where we just had to agree to an open relationship so we could have our thing and I could get what I need (because I DO care for him).When I met him, I loved the darkness in him because it mirrored what I saw in myself.

I have a question though. Why does he try to do vanilla things if you aren't really a vanilla couple??

btw, PM me if you wish to chat in depth.

I honestly don't think I could find someone who fits me so well, so I feel like I have no choice but to find a way to get over it without letting my resentment consume me.

Your situation sounds exactly like mine right now. I only hope that he really means it when he says once he returns home, he'll become more dominant. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do. I've thought about open relationships, but I don't think it's right for either of us.

We aren't soley a vanilla couple, but we're open-minded enough that we are into most forms of sex. We prefer something more BDSM-related, but every once in awhile, we like to slow it down and enjoy something vanilla. He says that's all he's really capable of with me right now.

theadmiralr wrote:To be honest, from what you are writing your problems seem fairly common for most long distance couples. The longest I have ever been separated from my boyfriend has been 10 months but there were a couple of extra 6 months apart here and there.

Will it really be another 2 years before you see each other or until he comes back for good?

This is important because a lot can happen in 2 years, but if you see each other before then, than maybe you can tough this dry-spell out until you see each other and then you can reevaluate once you have seen him if he has really changed for good or if it is a sort of phase and how attached you still are (if you are willing to put up with the wait and submissiveness.)

You said you have spoken to him about it many times and he still doesn't seem to change? This will sound annoying, but did you really clearly communicate your feelings to him about how much it was bothering you? You could also try setting an ultimatum, but then you have to respect it too to show that you are serious. You have been using skype to satisfy your desires, maybe try another medium. I don't have really any suggestions, but you might need to spice it up to rekindle his interest. I'm not saying it's your fault, but maybe trying something new will make him interested in being dominant again.

Remember long distance relationships are tough for everyone and they require a lot of communication if they are going to work, especially since those kind of relations are pretty much just communication.

Why wait for him to come back before starting the therapy anyway?

I've been in one other LDR before which lasted 4 years, so I understand the ins and outs and difficulties of them. It'll be 2 years before he comes home permanently is what I meant. I'm trying to save up to come see him, but it's rather expensive, and I don't know if I can pull it off.

I believe I have communicated my feelings very well. We never argue or yell, but discuss things in a civil manner, making sure to cover everything thoroughly. I've explained why it bothers me, he has explained that he's sorry and that he's just stressed. As far as capturing his interest, I've tried time and time again, doing everything new thing I can think of, but he's just not very interested and would rather continue to explore his submissiveness.

At the moment, we're both just unable to afford therapy.