Worry and Guilt...How Can I Move On?

Hello everybody,

I have been lurking around this site for a while now reading threads and responses. It is great to see a community of individuals supporting each other when it seems few else are willing to do so. On to my topic...

Starting when I was very young, around the time of 13, I began looking at online pornography. Around this time, p2p file-sharing sites were becoming very popular and were an effective way of accessing material. During this time, I distinctly remember viewing mainstream pornographic material, which was exciting and new to me. At one point, I also remember stumbling across cp, which I initially found extremely disturbing. However, the disturbing effect (oddly) seemed to produce a kind of curiosity which fueled my search for similar material. In addition, being 13, I wished to find images of people my own age for my sexual gratification. To put a long story short, over time, the material I was accessing became increasingly lurid and the ages of the individuals in the material I was seeking decreased. I continued this practice until recently.

Up until about a month and a half ago, I had been downloading (and not sharing) horrible cp which I can not seem to forgive myself for. During this month and a half, I have also been in a constant state of worry that I will be legally punished for what I have done. I have never felt so paranoid in my life and I wonder how I continued such a despicable practice without the worry and guilt that I am currently experiencing.

I would like to hear from the community as to how I should move on from these terrible feelings. I know what I did was wrong and I have absolutely no desire to access the material that I once viewed. However, I can not seem to forgive myself for what I have done and can not shake off the feeling that I may get in trouble for my past mistakes. Any advice would be greatly welcomed.

I'll tell you this....You can and WILL get caught. It's only a matter of time. I have been caught before and it's no knock on your door. I woke up at 9pm to machine guns in my face and my parents wondering wth is going on. When they found out, it was such an embarrassing and unpleasant situation. I was under age as well when I was caught. They were investigating me for 7 months when they finally got the warrant. Imagine being in highschool and having to go through that. Not to mention the news....Not fun times. Definitely taught me a lesson.

As someone that has been caught with CP as well as crossing the lines with children I would say avoid it at all costs because if you continue to do it they will catch up to you and being paranoid is part of the effect of looking at CP. I don't even look at pictures of naked children online anymore, its bad news and my only advice is to stay away from it, I know it will be hard but I think you can do it. You def don't want to go to prison, its not a very nice place to be.

If you have used p2p file sharing websites to download illegal pornography then it's quite possible you could be arrested since investigators of internet crimes love p2p websites. It provides them with your IP and proof of downloading or sharing illegal content, which makes the process of getting a warrant fairly easy.

If you are sure you aren't sharing anything yourself then that makes it less likely that you will be arrested, but there's no way I would take these chances again if I were you.

Just treasure every month that goes by without a knock on your door, and let that be reason for you never to download this stuff again. In my opinion, it isn't a moral wrong to download without sharing or buying. If you aren't supporting child abuse then don't let yourself feel too guilty.

Guilt over possession and use of child pornography is normal. I liken it to guilt for drunk driving - we all know it's illegal and socially repugnant but some do it nonetheless. With computer porn most interviews of users busted for it repeat the same things: they delete everything swearing to not use it any more, but over time reamass it. I think it shares things in common with employee theft in how most who do that rationalize their actions. "The employer wont miss it," "Everybody does it," "It's only a X." As with illegal pornography, "The producers don't know how many use it so my using it isn't giving them increased incentive to victimize kids," "The kids seem to be enjoying themselves," "Everybody does it." But these are just our attempts at rationalizing a negative behaviour.

Ultimately we're all resonsible for what we download. Short of pop-up ads doing things automatically, what imagery we have is by deliberate intent. If for no other reason than it's illegal, we shouldn't possess child pornography. More objectively, minors under 18 have appeared in erotica since erotica was first being made. Its illegality is relatively new (US didn't make it illegal until 1982, Europe a few years earlier.) The reason for the whole bru haha it's somewhat hypocritical. We often react most strongly when children are involved as was seen with the recent Syrian chemical weapons attacks. Yet the 100,000 dead Syrians prior to the video showing kids wailing didn't cause the same outrage. In other words, a few victimized children gets everyone's blood up, but it takes millions of dead adults before anyone says anything as during the WW2 Holocaust. But every child eventually becomes an adult. So attaching concern and outrage onto what befalls children when the same people wouldn't pluck a hair for their parents is the worst kind of hypocrisy. The furor over CP is just the US' general anti-sex attitude mixed up with hypocritical attitudes over children vs adults. Proof comes in how two teens can have sex together and it's legal, but the same teen with an adult is illegal, as would be photographing or videotaping the sexual act even between the two teens. As with outrage over child victims of war, if we see it we feel compelled to act protectively, but if we don't 12 million can die before anyone says a thing.

I'd like to thank everyone who has replied thus far. I want to make it clear however that I have no intentions of EVER accessing such material again. I am deeply ashamed for what I have done, and this shame, guilt and fear will undoubtedly prevent me from repeating my mistake. I suppose I will just have to live with these feelings and let the passage of time heal these unbearable emotions that I deserve to be experiencing.

I also feel that I would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist, however, I do not think this is feasible given the potential for stigmatization or possible reporting.

Hello,

Unfortunately, I am unable to access the account in which I created this thread. I hope I do not offend any of you by admitting this, but I was not in fact accessing cp. Actually, I was interested to hear how this particular community would respond to such a story. I am very satisfied with the way everyone responded; with support and helpful information. After recently discovering the preponderance of child abuse images on the internet, I have developed a strong interest in prevention. Browsing through the many posts on this site, I believe that the members here are truly committed to helping themselves, each other, and in the prevention of potential abuse. I encourage all of you to visit https://secure.missingkids.com/home ---the NCMEC homepage.

Grantyeah wrote:I'd like to thank everyone who has replied thus far. I want to make it clear however that I have no intentions of EVER accessing such material again. I am deeply ashamed for what I have done, and this shame, guilt and fear will undoubtedly prevent me from repeating my mistake. I suppose I will just have to live with these feelings and let the passage of time heal these unbearable emotions that I deserve to be experiencing.

I also feel that I would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist, however, I do not think this is feasible given the potential for stigmatization or possible reporting.

It's a good choise to stay away from it. Although, if you still know where this material is located, you might want to report it because people could still be in danger. Just do not download anything. By reporting such material and getting it removed, you can kind of erase the demand created by your watching. It might help you to cope with your guilt. You may give a cybertip on same page you provided on your post above.

Hopefully you can overcome this. I'm still strugling with my own guilt after two and half years I quit consuming material that was on very grey area in a legal sense. I'm looking forward to start psychotherapy again after coping almost year without. You should find out what therapists are obliged to report in your country. Where I live, I think they have to report if someone has been killed, molested or someone is in immediate danger.

Bobsmith1 wrote:Hello,

Unfortunately, I am unable to access the account in which I created this thread. I hope I do not offend any of you by admitting this, but I was not in fact accessing cp. Actually, I was interested to hear how this particular community would respond to such a story. I am very satisfied with the way everyone responded; with support and helpful information. After recently discovering the preponderance of child abuse images on the internet, I have developed a strong interest in prevention. Browsing through the many posts on this site, I believe that the members here are truly committed to helping themselves, each other, and in the prevention of potential abuse. I encourage all of you to visit https://secure.missingkids.com/home ---the NCMEC homepage.

Finally someone who cares about missing children!

To the OP. I would avoid it and not to encourage you to do anything illegal but I would destroy the pc/laptop you were using. Just to be on the safe side. And remember stay away if you don't want to get F'ed in the A. (From cp, that is). Cheers and be safe!

Simontheo wrote:

Bobsmith1 wrote:Hello,

Unfortunately, I am unable to access the account in which I created this thread. I hope I do not offend any of you by admitting this, but I was not in fact accessing cp. Actually, I was interested to hear how this particular community would respond to such a story. I am very satisfied with the way everyone responded; with support and helpful information. After recently discovering the preponderance of child abuse images on the internet, I have developed a strong interest in prevention. Browsing through the many posts on this site, I believe that the members here are truly committed to helping themselves, each other, and in the prevention of potential abuse. I encourage all of you to visit https://secure.missingkids.com/home ---the NCMEC homepage.

Finally someone who cares about missing children!

To the OP. I would avoid it and not to encourage you to do anything illegal but I would destroy the pc/laptop you were using. Just to be on the safe side. And remember stay away if you don't want to get F'ed in the A. (From cp, that is). Cheers and be safe!

I see no need for him to destroy the laptop he was using. He is safe from any criminal charges as far as I can tell. Although it sure is brave of him to make such a claim here, lie or no lie.