Weirdo seeks advice

This is the first time I've admiitted this to anyone and it is really embarrassing! I'm a 28 yr old homosexual male and I've had quite extreme masochistic fantasies for a while. These involve being tortured, mutilated and killed in some of the most painful ways imaginable. I have self harmed in the past and have thought about ways to make my fantasies real. I'm now at a point where I'm really confused and feel alienated from society. I feel dirty and worthless. I don't know where to turn and any advice would be appreciated.

P.S. Thanks to all the other paraphiliacs who've posted. It sounds like you feel the same way I feel. I'm so glad I'm not alone. Good luck.

Dear Confused,

I am glad you had the courage to write about what you have been feeling. This helps release some of the worry's. I think that you should look at little into your past and see if there is a reason you may be into the whole torture thing. I am not a doctor nor do I have much knowledge on this. However, I would search alittle into it and know it is okay. You are not alone. Know that fantasy's are just that fantasy's. Don't feel like a freak or alienate yourself! Others have weird or unusal fantasy's...they just don't admit it like you have. So keep on keeping and smile its okay.

Take Care of yourself....don't hurt yourself... if you feel like you want to cut yourself....change your thoughts to happy ones and rejoice in them! You are BEAUTIFUL!

Hi Confuzed. Sorry youre going through this. It must really suck. WhenI get really stressed I have fantasies about stuff happening to me like that. But then it goes away and it doesnt really hapen that often. What is going onin your life. Could this be anxiety related? Maybe if you fix the other stuff in your life this will go away. Just a thought. You have friends here.

Hi again. It was a massive relief to post yesterday after years and years of secrecy. Barelythere and bloblem, I can't thank you enough for your kind, supportive replies and advice. I've been doing alot of thinking about how I've ended up in such a mess. I'm not sure if this is worth posting but here are some recollections of events that may have influenced the development of my masochistic tendcies.


I have childhood memories of playing doctors and nurses with some other kids. I remember having to take my clothes off when I was the patient. Another similar game involved being a captive of some sort.

I had a surgical operation, long enough ago that I can't remember the reason for it but I've got a scar along the length of the underside of my penis. I remember this being quite painful at the time. I remember lying in bed afterwards, recovering, when for no apparent reason I had an orgasm. I'm not sure if the pain / pleasure aspect of this is significant. I also had about 3 other unrelated operations not that far apart.

I recall having a dream in which I was being manhandled into a rowing boat to be taken across a river. In the dream I was helplessly wrapped up in some kind of shroud. I don't know why but at this point I had an orgasm and woke up.

Later, I can can remember becoming aroused in class when the teacher described how Guy Fawkes was executed by being hung, drawn and quartered. Also at the school was also a book on methods of torture that I was very drawn to. Subsequently, I used to lie in bed fantacising about being tortured and executed. I guess the whole thing developed from there.


I can't believe I'm posting all this stuff . Sorry it's a bit of an essay. Hopefully it'll do some good to tell someone about it.

Anyway, I now have big problems getting to know people in case they figure out I'm complete freak. Also, I still haven't told my friends and family that I'm gay (although they've probably guessed by now). All in all, I've got a quite a few issues. I think I need to get some help but not sure who I should see. I'm also very nervous about telling all this to another person face to face . Any advice or experience regarding therapy / psychiatry would be much appreciated.

Many thanks once again to Barelythere, bloblem and this forum.

Hey there,

Just here to say you're not alone and I sympathize.

Every now and then I used to fantasize about being thrown alive into a crocodile pit while girls watched me being devoured. This is as extreme as I got. As I got older, I more or less became aroused by humiliation and degradation, but I still understand the torture fantasy very much.

I also know how dirty it makes you feel. It's so strange that such a negative experience would provide sexual gratification. Lately, I think all of this fantasy about my suffering is starting to hurt my self-esteem. I also wonder if these masochistic fantasies are pathological by nature.

All I can say is try not to be too hard on yourself. You never chose to be this way. We all get dealt different cards in life.

I've seen a few therapists about my humiliation fetish and failed to make any progress. I've never heard of medication being prescribed for a paraphilia, though antidepressants might cover up the 'symptoms' by killing your sex drive.

The only treatment for masochism I've found is covert conditioning. Actually there's another one but the website that had it is broken right now, so I can't remember the name for it.

Best of luck to you

Lucky for you, there are a lot of sexual sadists who would love to meet up and you would both get to act out your desires.

Just remember to keep the environment safe - safety words, and make sure neither party goes too far, don't take more than you can handle and don't let them give more than you can take. Just know your limits as a person and if you don't die than congrats!

hi

i am a 32 year old gay male who was institutionalized with the sole purpose to "cure" my sexual orientation.
i had 7 ECT treatments and i was raped 3 times while in the hospital.
that was 16 years ago.
today i am disabled: PTSD, GAD, Agoraphobia, Depression, Borderline, Avoidant and so on.
i had chance at love when i was 19, but after four years my love passed away.
this was almost 7 years ago.

today, i live alone, and i am celibate.
i have been through psy-therapy (3 yrs)which helped, but...

the worse part is that the only way i can achieve a proper arousal if i think (or experience) that am being raped or violated in some way against my will.

i get aroused only if i feel inferior to the object of my desire. well, i said it as is.

i am celibate because i can't have (any) lover make love to me the way i want. i can love with all my heart, but when it comes to sex, for it to be real... well

I am not a masochist.

Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I am glad you posted.
It helps all of us understand more.

Being Gay is nothing to be cured of, and I am sorry that
you were r@ped while having electric torture for therapy.

It is understandable why you would be aroused.
Dont give up. You may find some adult that has the desire and
agree's to mutal consent. My own fantasy have changed over
my life time. Yours might change too.

Red

thanks Red

my psy did say it'll get better - by the 4th or 5th decade

tata

Hi: I too am a porn addict, recently relapsed after a long sobriety, so likely will be seeking 12-step group soon, even if must start one. Said that to say that any observations made here are not self-righteous, and have at least SOME idea about some of this. As far as your fantasies, they bring opportunity in the sense that with a skilled counselor/therapist, they can be key to discovering things about yourself that can be of help. Dangerous, because many equate self-knowledge with the ability to control addiction, which is by itself nonsense. I myself did my best work early on my issues when therapy and 12-step group work ( SIA, SA, SAA) were combined. Dangerous to your life from others is also real: for several years was active in the SM world, and though myself did not run across any such persons ( I am Dom and sadist, not masochist), others that I got to know knew of some very, very dangerous people active in that world. Hope that is enuff said in that vein to help you know that were you to put yoursaelf in the position of acting out such fantasies, it might be used for blackmail, or you might disappear.....you would not be the first. I was not such a dangerous person, but heard anecdotes of others who were. As to God, reach out......no matter what we have done, God is not shockable, and will not quit working with us once we have cried out for help. As a tough nut to crack and a long-term project, i will attest to that. blessings. expreacher