Help please, I am so scared..

I need help. I am so depressed, anxious, and shameful. I have been through so much lately.

I am a sex addict but in a strange way. I am more addicted to porn than I am having real sex. that isn't my delema.

My problem is the shame. I feel so much shame from my past when i was a teenager. At that hormonal age I touched my cousins in their sleep. Only twice and never anything to penetrate it was so fast like seconds..nothing more.... Just more or less to see what it felt like. again i was 13/14 years old with raging hormones. My cousins the next days addressed the issue with me, told me to never do it again or I could get in trouble. they did not want me to get in trouble because they loved me.. anyway I am pretty sure there was no harm or foul yet to this day I am screwed up from it. I have never once touched any kids when I became an adult or let alone thought about it.. What I do think about over and over again is how I did that to them and how it could have messed them up. I feel so bad about it. I know I was only a kid and would never do that ever but it still bothers me. it has made me stay isolated from that side of the family. I don't ever want that to get out about me. I don't want to be labeled as something that I am not. I was a kid and made a mistake.. that is probably the biggest problem i face everyday. I just want all the thoughts to stop and I want to stop blaming myself for something that happened many many years ago.

Another thing that is really getting to me is that I do watch a lot of porn and my neihbors have caught me somehow.. I have no idea but they know I do it everyday and now make fun of me when they see me. it is so hard to even walk down my street without getting looks from people or being laughed at or yelled at.. all i want to do is move far away from all of this and start fresh in a far away city where no one knows me... Am I alone on this particular situation? I just want help.. I've talked with therapists about some as in me getting caught with the porn but not the other thing,. please help if you can. I would greatly appreciate any insight.. I can elaborate more if needed, I thought i'd keep things simple and to the point. also please excuse my writing skills. it's hard to write well when I am super nervous about sharing this. It was actually very hard to open up and I think only the second time in my life I have shared it with anyone.. Thanks for reading.. Peace and love to all..

SO are you trying to get help with your Porn Addiction?

Suppose I didn't word that as well as I should have. Yes I want help for my porn/ sex addiction but I need to know if I am normal or not.I feel really messed up about it all. it is difficult because I have never really talked about this stuff with anybody. especially my teenage mistake.. would that mistake I made as a teen label me as anything bad if I brought it up in therapy? or am I just over obsessing?

You might have OCD or a form of POCD?? But you might need to give more details.

What kind of details would help? thanks.

Masamune Date wrote:You might have OCD or a form of POCD?? But you might need to give more details.

That's what I was thinking as I read this post. What ages were the cousins when you touched them? I know this sounds like the obvious and easy answer, but you need to just get over it and let it go so it'll stop ruling your life. That's much easier said than done, I know. You're just obsessing over one event that lasted a few seconds and happened years ago. What you did was wrong and very regrettable, but there's nothing you can do now to change it. Maybe it would help give you closure if you talked to the cousins and apologized? I know that would be hard and awkward, but it's an idea.

The porn/sex addiction thing- I have a lot of experience with all kinds of addictions, so I understand how you feel. They have groups that are like AA meeting, but for sex addicts instead of alcoholics. They have ones where you actually go to a place and talk to people, but they also have online ones so that you can remain more anonymous. This website http://www.sa.org/top/?f2f=1 explains it and helps you find meetings in whatever country/state you live in. It might be worth a shot.

Thank you very much for your responses. I actually have resolved the issue with a therapist. It was definitely an out there obsession. being that I was young and just curious with no physical or mental attraction to my cousins indicates that I am fine. I guess I was beating my self up over nothing.. sort of a bad loop that needed to be broken. I now have the tools to get on with my life, well at least with that problem..

The porn issue where I have been constantly ridiculed by my neighbors may take some work.. I know in time I will overcome it, unfortunately the present moment I have a lot of fear I need to face with seeing them everyday like going out to shovel snow, getting the mail and cutting my grass.. In time the ridicule will just bounce off me.. it's all a matter of how I feel about myself in the end. thank you again for your comments, oh and yes SA meetings are definitely in the near future.

Hey bud I use to have POCD pretty bad but I got over years ago, occasionally I will get a random attack here or there. I just have to tell myself to not worry about it, though curiosity can be a pain. Any who good luck too ya.