Actually terrified! Please Help!

Hi,

This is my first post to this forum, sorry to come in so full on; but I'm absolutely terrified and you all seem pretty open minded and friendly from what I've read before joining.

Ok; so here's the problem:

I'm 20 years old, recently came out as gay- I battled with this for years, I was absolutely sure I didn't want to be gay (stupid right?!)- it got unbearable and I eventually, and finally came out in the summer of this year. You wouldn't believe what a relief this was to me- an amazing feeling. I finally felt happy properly and like me for the first time in god knows how many years! The last few months have really been total bliss; such a happy time for me.

Now before I went off to uni, I worked in a school for 2 years; I love kids, one of the main reason I didn't want to come out was because I was terrified I wouldn't have kids. I loved working with kids; I really do and was gutted to leave to go and study.

Now comes the worrying part, that actually terrifies me- about a year into working in the school (before I came out might I add)- there was an incident in which a child fell over, I picked the child up and they held my hand or whatever, and I realised; I had got a slight erection; I wasn't turned on or anything- I didn't feel aroused; so I just pushed it aside really and it didn't happen again whilst working in the school, so it didn't really worry me. However recently, I was playing with one of my best friends children, who I have known since he was born, and he jumped on me and again I realised I was getting a slight erection; again I wasn't turned on or aroused, but this time it worried me. All throughout the last week I have been driving myself crazy with worry, am I a paedophile? It has got to the point where at some points I have considered suicide.

The thing is, I am not sexually attracted to children; this is where I am wildly confused and terrified- I always knew in my heart of hearts that I was gay- I knew, to put it crudely, that I liked penises and men. This past week I have driven myself crazy, trying to imagine situations in my head, in which I would find a child sexually attractive, trying to have 'fantasies' about children, and it just doesn't do anything to arouse me or turn me on. So why do I keep worrying about it?!

I've always been the kind of person who worries and gets obsessional over things; when it's not being obsessed by a celebrity (not to the point of stalking them, but watching all their films, talking about them all the time, following them on twitter, IMDB a ridiculous amount etc.), a certain film, a tv show, musical, game etc. It's being worried to the point where I can't function properly; eg. being gay, at one point I was terrfied that I was a transgender at heart (I know for sure I'm not now!), couldn't get the idea of what happens after we die out of my head. So I am a worrier anyway!

Coming-Out proved to me what an amazing group of people I live around. I know it sounds soppy, but my family, mean everything to me; so when I have these suicidal thoughts I am always thinking of them, and that's what pulls me back! I form really intense bonds with people that I think comes from when I was bullied as a child/teen and didn't have many friends; whether it be boy, girl, adult, child; there's never anything sexual involved in these intense bonds or friendships, I just get a strong desire to protect and be their friend and wonder what they're doing throughout the day, what they're thinking etc. to the same kind of point that I have with the celebrities etc. part of that obsessional side of me!

I am absolutely terrified at this thought; it's driving me crazy, can't stop thinking about it and it makes me feel so low- it's worst than the feeling I had when being in the closet! I can't stand it. I love kids to death; so the idea that I could be something that could hurt them depresses me beyond belief! Please help guys. Lovely to post to you all and I hope I can get some responses.

S

HI there!

The slight erection in the first situation where the kid fell over was probably due to anxiety/stress because...the kid fell over! You got worried about their safety, if they were going to cry, etc. Groinal responses are common in response to stress, because stress and anxiety wreak absolute havoc on your nervous system, and your nervous system also has pretty much everything to do with sexual arousal. These responses are usually called "negative arousals." They are very common among people with sexual obsessions, and I have them myself. (I have POCD with a pedophilic theme, so I know what you're going through)

In the second situation, was the kid climbing on your lap? The stimulation of someone climbing on your lap, the rubbing action that occurs, could definitely set you off. You're not being aroused by the kid being on your lap, you're being aroused by the stimulation ONLY. It has nothing to do with the kid.

Hope this helps! I contemplated suicide at one point with my POCD, too, but it's NOT the answer. Stay safe!

Hi,

Thanks for the reply! That's very interesting and relieving to know about the 'nervous system'; as I say I didn't get to worried about it at the time, which is strange for me actually, as I worry a lot. I'm thinking of going to a doctor about my obsessions and the worries I have. It does terrify me. To answer the question about my friends son, he jumped on my back and took me by surprise! I just can't stop worrying about it- I try and switch it off, but it just won't; I've tried to play out 'fantasies', but it does nothing to me - I literally feel nothing, so why am I so damn worried about it!

It's awful, it's got the point in which I see a child or children and feel uncomfortable, six months ago I was determined that I was going to be a teacher at some point; it kills me thinking that this thought may never go away; how can I enter a classroom if I've got a worry like that and begin to distrust myself?!

S

when i was doing some background research on my developing ocd (related to leaving the stove on, not related to kids) i came across this article on ocd and fearing that you are becoming a pedophile

it's long, but very informative, hope it helps:

http://www.counseling-office.com/papers ... ghts.phtml

Thank you very much, very interesting read. I think I'm going to see my local doctor about this; it does seem to fit me. I'm bloody terrified though! I've always loved kids, and the idea of ever hurting one of doing something like that to one makes me feel sick!

S

SeymourKipling wrote:Thank you very much, very interesting read. I think I'm going to see my local doctor about this; it does seem to fit me. I'm bloody terrified though! I've always loved kids, and the idea of ever hurting one of doing something like that to one makes me feel sick!

yeah, in my reading on ocd that's one of the ways they are able to determine if what you are feeling is related to ocd vs. pedophilia. if it's ocd the thought makes you sick, horrifies you, etc. if you are a pedophile it excites you (although you might also be scared of this attraction and also believe that you would never enact it).

No it doesn't excite me one little bit. I will go to my doctor about this; can't live my life like this- I have a good life and lots of friends with a promising career ahead of me- I can't let this ruin my life!

take the article with you, or the link to it, as not all doctors are up on ocd/pedophilia... and might react negatively to what you are describing. you're the best judge of your doctor, based on your previous history with him/her... but the topic of underage attractions can trigger an extreme reaction in some professionals. mind you, this wasn't my experience, my therapist and psychiatrist have been very supportive. just keep that in mind.

Very good idea about taking the article with you, Seymour.

You could also have a look at this thread obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html in the meantime. It deals in places with HOCD [OCD thoughts about being gay in straight people] but also rabies and brain tumours so it's general enough to cover POCD well too.

I'd also strongly recommend stopping checking [imagining 'fantasies'.] It will be feeding the problem and may create new issues for you.

Yeah, seeking help for your problem seems like a good solution given how severe you see it.

I'm not sure if OCD is permanent or not but I believe I suffered from mild OCD in childhood. I was frightened to death of being gay. I had printed out this poster of Elijah Wood which I tried to kiss many times (how embarrassing) in an effort to find out if I was gay or not. Even though the poster did nothing to me, I still desperately tried to find signs that indicated I was a homosexual. The ultimate irony, of course, was that I turned out to be a pedophile.