New here: POCD or Pedophilia (Going CRAZY)

Hello.

I am new on this forum and I thought I would share my story. I have tried another forum but did not get any helpful responses. I have read previous posts related to POCD or pedophilia on this forum and thought you guys might be able to offer some clarification and advice. To begin I am a 39 yo male who has struggled with anxiety and OCD related thoughts since I was 16 yo. I grew up in a normal family and was always attracted to females my own age. I started experiencing HOCD (fear of being gay OCD) when I was 16. Even though I know I am not gay I have experienced this type of OCD off and on for 25 years.

The fear that I need I advice on is POCD (fear of being attracted to young girls). When I was 25 I was in grad school and I was experiencing high levels of anxiety related to school and dating ( I was back in the dating scene and was experiencing lots of anxiety). Out of the blue one day I started thinking I was a pedophile (note that I never had these feelings before in my life). This fear began when my boss brought his daughter to work (she was 8 yo). I did not have any sexual feelings, but I thought she was cute (like a cute puppy or kitten). Ultimately, this was the beginning of my Pedo fears that have persisted on/off for the last 14 years. I have controlled my anxiety, fears, and depression by taking antidepressants. These early fears and POCD-like symptoms led me to self checking and sleeping with attractive prostitutes to reinsure to myself that I am attracted to adult females. This kind of self- checking behavior has continued on/off for 13 years now.

In the last two years my fears have become worst. Because of my on/off fears of being a pedo I have really started to think that I am one. Like most of the people who struggle with HOCD or POCD I have checked by reading erotic stories online or looking at legal pictures to see if I get aroused. Sometimes when I perform these checking activities I can get aroused and other times I my inner-self speaks out and tells me that I am not a pedo. However, my real concerns are with the confusion and mixed feelings I have about a daughter of my friend. In the last couple of years my friends daughter (now 9yo) has started to look up to me like a father figure. She loves to spend time with me and my girlfriend. She looks up to me and loves me as much as her own dad. She is very affectionate and likes to sit on my lap or lean against me while watching TV. I have developed caring feelings for her and I would protect her like she my own daughter. At first this was a good CBT-like "exposure therapy" to help me face my fears. However, at the same time I have starting getting really scared. I have started to question my fears on a weekly basis. I have experienced a mixture of normal warm and caring feelings with anxiety and occasional accidental errections. For example, when she sits on my lap or shows affection towards me I have occasionally gotten errections. I know this could be because of anxiety and fears or just human contact in general, but I am now fearing that I might be starting to become attracted to her in an unhealthy way. I catch myself looking at her to check to see if I am attracted. Like the HOCD I have experienced on/off throughout the years I think this could be POCD. Honestly I cannot imagine kissing or engaging in adult activities with a young girl. These activities seem normal with an adult female or over 18 yo teenager. However, I can not break the cycle of worrying and checking (master****** to images or articles of clothing). Sometimes these feelings seem too real. To alleviate the pain I have starting drinking more and wasting money on gambling. I have always wanted to have my own family, but now I am scared. I need to get my life back and track.

Can some of you who experience true pedophilia or POCD describe to me what the real differences are between the two?

Could I truly be a pedophile and I am denying it?

Is it possible to become a pedophile from worrying about being one? Can the cycles of worrying and checking bring on true attraction to a child?

Please help.

From what I can see, you're not a pedophile, you're just paranoid. The thought of being attracted to her frightens you, so you make attempts to find out if you actually are. This makes your paranoid which makes you believe there's a possibility that you are a pedophile. You're not though. You have to stop thinking about it. You're over-analyzing it to a point where you're becoming obsessive. You're leading yourself on to believing that you're a pedophile when you're not.

Hi, and welcome, ocdtoolong!

Is it possible to become a pedophile from worrying about being one?

No. It is, however, possible to drive yourself crazy worrying about it. Remember that your experiences with HOCD didn't make you gay, right?

What help have you had in the past with your OCD? Are you currently seeing a therapist? Is that an option for you right now? Can you apply any strategies you've used in the past to cope in your current situation?

It's normal to be aroused occasionally in the situations you described with your friend's daughter (friction from her sitting on your lap, bad timing with your physiology, etc.; it happens); it does NOT indicate pedophilia.

I understand that you're worried about having desires you don't want and never imagine acting out on. It must be very troubling. Your OCD sounds very strong and difficult to manage, and I hope you can get some help managing your symptoms. It would be a shame if your relationship with your friend's daughter (which sounds like a healthy and beneficial one for her) was to suffer because of these feelings.

Sylvie

sylvievere wrote:It's normal to be aroused occasionally in the situations you described with your friend's daughter (friction from her sitting on your lap, bad timing with your physiology, etc.; it happens); it does NOT indicate pedophilia.

Also, we have this ridiculous myth that says that if you look twice at anyone under the age of consent you're a pedophile. I would argue that it would be abnormal not to have some modicum of attraction to children, even if it doesn't manifest itself in supraliminal fashion. An 8-year-old girl, for example, has far more in common with an 18-year-old woman than your average hetero Joe would probably like to admit. Attraction is not just about 'phwooar, I'd like to slip her one', and I reckon the passage from aesthetic appreciation of a young child's beauty to sexual attraction (which is not something entirely distinct) is very gradual. I simply don't buy it when guys say they're not attracted at all to a beautiful 12-year-old. Nonsense. They just won't admit it.

Getting occasionally aroused by a diminutive version of an attractive woman squirming around in your lap doesn't strike me as odd.

You asked what it's like? That's easy to answer. You don't check. You just are attracted to them.

Dear ReVamp, Sylvievere, and Partridge:

Thank-you so much for your helpful responses. I agree that my fears have become a major source of paranoia in my life. 10 years ago I received help from a therapist, but she was not fully experienced in pure O forms of OCD. She did not fully understand the POCD thing and thought maybe I was confused with my sexuality. She basically told me not to question those concerns. In recent years I have avoided talking to any therapist because of the fear that they will label me as a pedo.

I still have some questions about true pedophilia (non-exclusive type) versus the fear of being one (POCD). I agree that it is normal to find females of various ages attractive to some extent. I also acknowledge that it is normal to realize that a young girl is cute. In my life I never questioned being sexually attractive to a young girl until my pedo fears kicked in 1999. Moreover, the whole non-exclusive type of pedophilia (attracted to adults and children) confuses the heck out me.

1.) Would I have known from a young age that I was attracted to both young children and age appropriate females? Or is this something that I could turn into in my 30s? I have read that 93 percent of pedophiles fall into the non-exclusive category. This scares me especially because I always wanted to have a family of my own.

2.) Can someone help me differentiate between the feelings a non-exclusive pedophile has for Adult females versus Young females? Are they similar feelings? I have always been attracted to adult females, but my fears are making me think that I am starting to become attracted to young females.

3.) I have read online that pedophilia does not necessary involve sexual feelings. This confuses me because I have always had warm and caring feelings for children in life. I enjoy being in the company of children as well as adults.

Thanks

ocdtoolong wrote:
1.) Would I have known from a young age that I was attracted to both young children and age appropriate females? Or is this something that I could turn into in my 30s? I have read that 93 percent of pedophiles fall into the non-exclusive category. This scares me especially because I always wanted to have a family of my own.

2.) Can someone help me differentiate between the feelings a non-exclusive pedophile has for Adult females versus Young females? Are they similar feelings? I have always been attracted to adult females, but my fears are making me think that I am starting to become attracted to young females.

3.) I have read online that pedophilia does not necessary involve sexual feelings. This confuses me because I have always had warm and caring feelings for children in life. I enjoy being in the company of children as well as adults.

Thanks

Theoretically speaking, pedophilia could emerge at any age. Mine started when I was 17 or 18. It actually started after I watched a movie where a man had intercourse with a preteen girl. I thought of the situation and I got a bit... well... aroused. Then I saw a young girl on the elevator later that week and thoughts just fell into my head. The fantasies became more frequent over the years.

Really depends who has them. When I see women my age (21) I see them as love-interests. When I see younger girls, I actually see them as just a fetish. Of course, I would never act on my feelings, EVER. What you're feeling may just be parental feelings. I get them too. When I'm around children, my pedophilic urges kind of recede and make way for my more caring feelings since I really want to have children.

Again, it depends who has them. I myself don't see younger girls the way some do on this site. My feelings and fantasies are purely sexual. However, there are people here who say that they actually fall in love with preteens. One even said that he doesn't want sex, just a relationship. Although he's apparently asexual.

The more you think about it, the more your paranoia will convince you that you're a pedophile. They could actually lead to a dangerous misunderstanding.