WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH ME

First things first, I'm a 22 year old man (wow that's a first writing that) that is attracted to prepubesent boys gen. 9-12/13 (wow thats a first too). I have NEVER harmmed a child, and I'd like to say I'm strong enough that I never will, but I have two little cousins who every year get closer to my A.O.A, and my thoughts scare the $#%^ out of me. I already have had one suicide attempt a year ago just because I felt I couldn't live with my sick head anymore, in the past year I've grown stronger with the suicide ideations, and pretty much love life and try to stay in the moment, its just the moment gets harder and harder to live in everytime a cute boy is around. I also Identify as a gay man, and have had sex with a couple of guys,however this is more of a new development,but even touch to me is uncomfotable, and sex is etreamly conflicted with all of these sich thoughts about boys in my head at the same time. and sometimes think im just trying to convince myself im gay and not a pedofile.
Also let me say for the past three hours I've been reading other peoples stories and they have all made me feel a little more comfotable with my self, but lets not get me wrong It's pretty hard not to hate me with all the things i have seen online. This might get a little ranty but ill do my best to keep it organized .

I was kind of a pervert as a kid as far as I can remember, I liked being naked and I liked playing with myself. Its really kind of hard to remember what came first I just have all of these weird sexual memories that are few and far between and its really hard for me to figure out what came first. But The hardest part I have understanding is how I got the Idia that boys were IT and not adults

The first boy I remember likeing was my dads girlfriends son, I must have been like ten or eleven and him a year younger than me, but we were playing truth or dare which led to us getting naked, then i would dare him to touch me and he would do the same, but I was the one that wanted to take it farther, I remeber him saying he didnt want to lick it cause of the germs or w/e so we just humpped instead. THat my first real boy boy thing I remember.

With the internet being prettymuch in everyones house in the 90's i was on aim a lot and other chats and other games with cahts talking to people about things i shouldnt have, with people who probobly wern't who they said they were, never got showed CP as a kid till I found it myself though

around 11 or 12 i had a friend josh who i mastrubated with often, I think I loved him too. but anyways on to the porn

I started looking at stright porn as a kid but got turnned off pretty quick cause the girls and cause watch adults ws kid of weird. So I found myself as a kid, googling "naked boys" or "naked kids" growing up in the computer age ment i could figure thing out pretty well. So google led to naturist sites, which led to imgsrc.ru, which led to anontalk, which tought me about tor.onion and the hidden web. after just seeing boys naked wasnt enough, I figured out how to get pictures and stuff of them aroused, after i learned more about p2p i got scared and backed off a little, but then I found out about the hidden web, and EVERYTHING is there and now I find myself with like a CP addiction.... I was kind of a late bloomer so through jr. high and High school i was able to convince myself that I wasn't that older and I would stop by the time I was eighteen. eaiser said then done.

THe hardest part is I love boys not exually aslo, I just love kids in genral, my family was really ###$ up so since i was a kid all ive ever wanted was to have a normal family, but being gay got in the way already, and now I am afraid of myself in me even saying i want kids... I just dont know what to do. am I a pedo, am I not, why, how can i change my urges, will i ever be able to have a son.

everyday im getting more and more depressed. and when I do indulge my attraction with the internet, I wan't to kill my self almost immediatly after im pleasured, when i see what Ive been looking at in my 15 min sex craze.

Another thing about my attraction i'm confused by is im turnned on by boys doing stuff with boys, not men.

and most of my fanticies are about pleasuring them, or getting ###$ by a boy...
its all messed

Hi Jakmed5, welcome to the forum. In your reading through of the other posts on here, you've seen that you aren't alone in your feelings and struggles. There are a lot of people your age who are coming into adulthood worried about their attraction to children. When you have desires that are impossible to act on things can get pretty stressful pretty fast, and my hear goes out to you.

First off, I'd recommend addressing your CP addiction right away. Not only could it get you in a lot of trouble, but it seems to be causing you enormous distress. It might be a good idea to get some distance from material that reinforces your negative feelings about your desires. There are some great websites with information about how to break a pornography addiction: yourbrainonporn.com is one. It ay be impossible to get rid of your paraphilia, but it IS entirely possible to live with it in a way that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. The more choices you can make that reinforce your sense of control and well-being, the easier it will get to put your attraction into perspective. Being a pedophile doesn't define you; it's just an aspect of your sexuality. But right now it seems like it's hijacked your self-esteem, and your worries about it threaten to consume you.

In my opinion, your sexual history growing up seems fairly normal, and I don't think anything you did caused your pedophilia. It does sound like you've been attracted to boys for as long as you've been aware of your sexuality and that doesn't seem weird to me either. The nature of your fantasies--being the passive partner, no adults, etc--seems pretty, well, nice, actually! I wouldn't deem them weird in any way--what is it about them that confuses you or concerns you?

Have you had satisfying romantic relationships with men, emotionally and physically? When did you start feeling uncomfortable with being intimate with others? Is the issue that when you are in intimate situations, you can't help but think and feel guilty about your attraction to children, or is there something else going on as well, perhaps having to do with not being sure you're attracted to adult men at all?

Sometimes it can be depressing when we think of our paraphilias in terms of what we can't do: we can't always have the kinds of relationships we desire, we can't always share with friends and family, we can't do a lot of things other people get to do. It doesn't seem fair when you look around and see all sorts of people having the relationships they want without judgement from others (or from themselves). But it helps to think of what we DON'T do as actions, too; that living lives we can be proud of, that celebrate and reinforce our best sense of self, that allow us to accept our desires and act on them in healthy ways, is always going to be bound up with limits. This goes for everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation or desires. As you already know, the decision NOT to do something can take a lot of will power, and every time you succeed in respecting limits you have asserted control over your life. So give yourself some credit for what you've done right so far. You're doing your best to figure this out, and you're asking for help. You want to do the right thing. And that's good stuff.

There's a thread on the forum from Partridge that concerns being a parent and being a pedophile. You might find some reassurance there in regard to someday having a family. For now, perhaps focus on defining your goals and sorting out all the different areas of your life you want to work on, from quitting the CP habit to forming more satisfying relationships with adults to feeling better about what goes on in your head. Develop a plan for how to manage situations that are tricky for you; what would you do if you found yourself aroused in the company of a child? How would you go about re-directing your thoughts to focus on enjoying the company of young people in non-sexual ways? Most importantly, what would you need to do on a day to day basis to feel better about being a pedophile?

I'll shut up now and let others respond. Again, welcome, and remember we're here to listen and support you. You're not alone.

All best wishes,

Sylvie

If everyone in your country was binding their feet and walking on their hands, and you suddenly realized: hey that hurts, and isn't ok to walk on our feet, but everyone around said: 'You sicko freak foot-walker, footsie! You should be hobbled!' would you have the wherewithal to keep it cool? (Imagine also you found some old footage on the 'Net of Africa and people were walking upright.)