Irdkhelp's Journal (Replies Welcome)

Replies welcome.

I would first like off to say that I wish I could change my username to something that isn't a plead for help. If I could it would be something cool like eggidiot.

Regardless, I just finished my third session with my psychologist and it went pretty well. I got to explain my horrible porn habits from the time I was 12-15. It was awkward and I really struggled to explain it without crying. She did give me reassurance and told me that these things did not make me a p-word and that there is a difference between being a child exploring new things and someone who actually wants to abuse children. However, she did say something along the lines of "what does it mean that I have this p-word orientation" in reference to an intrusive thought. She worded it differently after I kind of had a visceral reaction. Now I can't help but analyze it and worry that she does think I am actually a p-word. Which I am sure isn't the case. I want to send her an email to clarify but I don't think that is appropriate and is just a compulsion most likely.

I am not looking forward to ERP whatsoever, next session is when we would start. Also, over apologizing was something she told me we could work on as well lmao. I feel that I ramble and sound like an idiot, so I apologize a lot.

So right now I am incredibly anxious but writing out my thoughts is kind of a relaxing thing to do. I am not that unhinged I promise. I was hoping to be on campus next semester but it is looking like this will not be the case. I will just focus on finding a job and changing my major. I just was very excited to make some friends. I need to sleep because I adopted my boyfriend's sleeping schedule and he is up from 2 pm to 6 am every day for work, so as a result, I am the same. Probably not the greatest for my mental health nor my physical health but I am not sure how to fix it.

I really want to play stardew valley but my boyfriend is asleep and I am nauseous from sleep deprivation. I would play animal crossing but my switch charger is lost so I have no choice but to cede to sleep.

I think a lot about how I portray myself online vs IRL. When I read over my posts I just can't help but think I sound like this sad anxious person. Now I'm kind of realizing I portray myself like that in real life as well.

For example, my first semester of college I met this girl and she would constantly comment about how she was concerned about me and told me I looked sad. I was dealing with a bad bout of depression at the time and so I suppose I should have expected to appear that way. I just thought I hid it better.

I have gotten a lot of these comments from many people my entire life. Well at least from the time I was in the 3rd grade. I became very lonely at this time and I went from a happy energetic little girl to a very reclusive/withdrawn one. I hate that people pity me, I have always hated it but how can I blame them when I struggle to improve my situation.

I can only work on myself and then I will see myself as a strong/confident person. The desired result is that other people see me that way too. First thing on my agenda is losing this depression weight and buy some cute clothes. I want to go on trips with my boyfriend when it's safe. We are hopefully going to see his biological mother as he was adopted at 6.

This is a tangent but it reminds me of the fact there's just so much weird oddities about me? I am hyper mobile, I have hitchhiker thumbs, I have double joints, a few strange birthmarks. What are the chances I also have OCD AND depression. It makes me laugh because when I was in middle school I had this weird fantasy that I was actually an alien and some alien prince would come and take me away. For a long time I just didn't feel like I was a real person. I couldn't look in the mirror and see my physical body as me, I avoided looking at mirrors actually. I just thought I was this ugly creature who would be alone for the rest of my life and to think I was only a child. Things have changed now. I feel better about my situation but the thought still comes to me every now and then.

Last thought,

I missed a deadline today, I overslept and couldn't finish it like I wanted to. Unfortunately I have another one I must turn in and so the next couple hours will be filled with chemistry and tiktok procrastination (probably compulsions too). Then when my boyfriend gets home from work I will hopefully be done and we will sleep peacefully

I have been an overthinker since I could even think about thinking. I constantly wonder about other people, about myself, about the world, about everything and nothing. It does not help that I have low self-esteem either, so I find myself preoccupied often with what other people think of me. I see that people have viewed my journal and I wonder what they think of me? If I could find out would I even want to know? How many of them have experienced life the way I have? How many of them think that I am scary?

Everyone thinks, everyone worries about how they smell, their hair, the way the stand and speak, if they come across as smart or do they seem dumb. It's only human to overthink and be concerned with the way you present yourself to the world.

So here are some random thoughts, I am aware I don't really sound coherent.

The stars may disappear soon. I read an article about Spacex starlinks and how they plan to release thousands of them into space effectively hiding the night sky in bright orbed lights. You wouldn't be able to escape civilization anymore, you are forced to be reminded that we existed. Though I have read that the southern hemisphere may remain unaffected.

Even the thought we could be the last generation to know what stars are is a weird one. We have relied on the stars for the entirety of our history. They are quintessential to our humanity. Populations evolve, so when we aren't human anymore will we know it? When we are just another era in history we will be seen as primitive but could we be seen as a different species entirely?


We fight to survive and to live because that's what being an animal is. Even those who attempt to take their own lives have stated when they are on the brink of death, something comes over them and they want to live.

It reminds me of a conversation my boyfriend and I had at the grocery store. My takeaway was that he doesn't see himself as an individual but rather a cog in something bigger than himself, like an ant. The only thing we need to do is to put good into the world and build a better world for our future generations. Our egos and how we view ourselves do not matter because what real impact does it have? I guess that takes you into what's good and what's bad but honestly I don't want to think about it lol.

Maybe when I die, I won't exist as an individual but maybe I'll be taken into a wider consciousness (hopefully I don't sound like a hippy) but I find that peaceful.