by AndromedaHorse » Thu Jan 21, 2021 2:03 pm
Lots of things have changed in the past few months. I don't know whether I should call them positive changes or not. I am unable to think properly right now because my phobia has gotten triggered yet again (as it always does, it gets triggered nearly everyday), so I am sitting in a corner, trying to let the feeling pass, though I am unable to focus on any kind of job I am supposed to do. I have been unemployed for past 3 months, which makes me stressed. I wish I could enroll in an university already.
I started therapy, though I am aware it won't last long, since the people who pay for my therapy think that it's a waste of money. But I am trying to attend as many sessions as I can . I can't say what I feel about therapy in general. I get misgendered a lot in therapy, and most of it is unintentional of course, but it still hurts. I know I should speak up against it, but well, I never spoke up much about such things. Therapy has made me realise lot of things though. That's why I wish to continue it, because I am finally getting answers. But then again, good things don't last long, and in the same manner, therapy won't last long. I will have to fend for myself.
I have also realized that at the end of the day, I have to rely on myself and the only one who can help me is again my own self. I have tried hard to ask for help, but those whose help I asked have clearly showed that they won't bother with my issues, which is understandable. I can only improve if I try to do something myself. I don't know whether it's possible though. I have been stuck in this same place for years, or even as far as I can remember. The only time I remember being truly happy was when I was about 4-5 years old. I don't remember too many happy moments after that. All I remember is loneliness and embarassment and sometimes...anger. Sometimes, I end up thinking I am faking my bad memories to get attention. I feel every action of mine is to grab attention. Which is why, I wish I remembered what used to happen back at home. Maybe...it would have given me answers as to why I am the way I am. Maybe, I wouldn't had doubted myself to this extent anymore.