GrayWolf journal (replies welcome)

Replies Welcome thank you

I live with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) OCD(Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) DID(Dissociative Identity Disorder) Bi Polar Disorder Borderline Personality Disorder Sever Chronic Depression Insomnia and Anorexia
With my OCD I only do Journal entries on even days and I have to do things in groups of four when I'm not stressed the number increases by four when I'm stressed and I have to have my books, movies, dvds, video games and board games organized alphabetically if one is out of place I have to reorganized the whole thing I can't just put that one in the right spot
I have been working very hard with my T(therapist) to learn ways to control my OCD as well as everything else that I live with this way I can learn to live a relatively normal life and not have what I live with control my life
I also have JRA(Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis) and hip dysphagia from being born premature my right leg is 2 inches higher than my left and the bone that connects into the hip joint is suppose to have a natural curve to it but my right one is straight with bone spurs on it which is very painful so I have to walk with a cane if I don't walk with my cane than I lose my balance and nearly fall
I have had my doctor talk to my husband several times with how he keeps insisting that I can do the dishes when I can't stand on my right leg I have to keep it elevated or stay seated because of how bad my right leg is but he told my doctor that it doesn't matter that I'm just using my right leg as an excuse not to do the dishes my doctor told him that because of how my leg is that I have to stay off of my leg that I am not to do the dishes that it is important for me to stay off of my leg as much as possible with how it pops in and out of place he didn't like hearing that at all
he told the doctor if my right hip is that bad to just do surgery on it my doctor told him as she had told me that there is nothing that can be done for it that the only thing that can be done is heat, over the counter pain medications and staying off of my leg as much as possible
I do all I can to stay in good health and good shape with how I know I'm limited on what I can do because of my leg and I'm not going to over do it and cause harm to my leg I just get so frustrated at times because when I was younger my leg wasn't as bad as it is now and I used to be able to do lots of things so I feel like I'm being forced to slow down and I have always been the athletic one in my family always on the move always running around or playing sports so have to keep my leg up and stay off of it as much as possible is hard on me when I'm use to running all the time
so I spend my days writing stories and poetry like I did when I was younger and it would be raining too hard out to go running I am hoping to get published later this year at least with some of my poems with how when I do my stories if one thing doesn't sound right I can't change that one part I have to delete the whole thing and start over it's part of my OCD that's one of the things I have been working with my T on this way I can get one of my stories published
GrayWolf

I'm feeling annoyed right now my landlord stopped by to tell us that we have to clean off both our front and back porches with how he's going to be redoing them I asked if I could keep the chair that I have on my front porch with how I can only walk short distances with out my cane he said with how it is not weather proof I can't keep it outside which I understand what has annoyed me though is he said that I would be able to walk better if I wasn't smoking
I have trouble walking from being premature it's a birth defect it has nothing to do with my smoking I have been walking with a cane since I was 7 years old and last time I check smoking doesn't make it so your right hip is 2 inches higher than you left or that the bone that connects in to the hip joint is straight with bone spurs my right leg with the exception of the bone spurs has been that way since I was born not sure how or when I got the bone spurs
when I told my husband about how I feel about what the landlord said to me my husband told me that I'm over reacting that I that it's nothing to be upset about with how he's right that if I were to give up smoking I wouldn't need to walk with a cane at all I just feel really upset and very annoyed by it all I don't feel like I'm over reacting but then again I could be wrong and I could be over reacting its just I don't like it when people tell me that if I give up smoke that I wouldn't need to walk with my cane when that's now why I walk with cane
GrayWolf

I went to a carnival last night with my husband we had a lot of fun he won me a purple inflatable bat that has smiley faces on it a small stuffed blue dolphin and a gold fish that I named Horatio I enjoyed getting out of the house I ran into one of my friends from when I used to be able to work we talked for a little while the only thing was I don't do good with crowds so I was trying desperately not to have a panic attack or to have one of my internal beings(alters) take control
I walked away from the crowd a few times telling my husband that I would return shortly that I was going to the restroom but in fact I was going to take a break from the crowd with how I was feeling close to a panicking and I didn't want to ruin our night out by having a panic attack with how we don't go out too often well unless you count going to the video game store to look at video games or to our local Walmart to look around
I like it more when we do fun things like the movies or the carnival last night its not that I don't like picking out some games for my playstation 3 that might help me to relax its just I like doing fun things maybe once the weather is warm all the time and the snow finally decides that its going to stop coming my husband and I can go to one the parks in our area and walk around and bring a picnic lunch with us to have
with how we are still getting snow where I live not every day but at least one a week so I'm not putting my winter coat or my winter boots in the closet just yet not with how unpredictable the weather is where I live I always wait until May to put both in my closet until next winter
my cat Shiva who is 21 years old left my gold fish Horatio alone she just looked at his tank and walked away like 'oh you got a fish' she could careless with how ever since she was a kitten we have taught her that the animals we have in cages or tanks in the house are pets not food so she just leaves the fish we have alone

today makes it 2 years since my auntie whom was also my Godmother passed so it's a sad day from myself and my family not that my family and I talk that much with how a lot of my family with how most of my family thinks that its my fault that I have the emotional health conditions that I have that no amount of therapy or medications will help me that I am the screw up in the family
it is more acceptable in my family to be gay or bi or transgender than it is to have any form of emotional health condition I don't understand how they can go acting like I don't exist or that I'm not part of the family all because I have emotional health conditions and I am accepting of people who are gay or bi or transgender its just I feel it's wrong how my family can't accept me with my emotional health conditions or show me any support when I need the support
I have no proof but I believe they are still stuck on the family tradition of where you don't speak to a therapist or to a psychiatrist that if you have something bothering you emotionally you just ignore it and pretend nothing is wrong even though you know something is wrong you just don't go seeking help for what is going on with you and I am the first one in my family to seek help for emotional health before my family found out we were all really close now I'm lucky if I get told anything that is going on in my own family
my older brother will a lot of the time ask when I see my therapist again and then tell me to call him the day before or he will tell me to call her the next day or that Monday depending on what day of the week it is and for he acts like I can't take bad news yes I know that I have several emotional health conditions but it is fine to tell me bad news with out me having to call my therapist about it after all if I feel that I can't handle it myself then I do call my therapist but I'm not going to go spiraling out of control when I hear bad news
I resent being treated like I'm a baby or like I can't handle things because of my emotional health conditions they do not run my life I am able to live a relatively normal life the only time I have trouble is when my medications are not working or when I have been triggered very badly or if I get sick with a physical illness that makes it so I can't hold down my medications the only emotional health condition I have that is not under constant control is my OCD
I have to do things in groups of 4 and when I am writing one of my poems, short stories, novels or songs if one thing doesn't sound right I have to delete the whole thing and start all over it doesn't matter if it is just a few words that don't sound right or a sentence or a paragraph I can't make changes to what is wrong and make it sound the way I need it to sound I have to delete the whole thing over again regardless of how many pages and chapters I have done
I am hoping to some day gain some form of control over my OCD for it sometimes makes some things impossible to be doing though when I am stressed I do things more than 4 times but it is always in intervals of 4 so when I get stressed out it increases by 4
I hope to get published later this year at least with my poems for I don't have anything else ready to be published well I have to get my poems together and set them to the font and size as well as the spacing that the publisher wants but I have a lot of poems that I'm happy with how they sound so I'm going to try publishing those first
GrayWolf

I love how some people tell me that what I do is not work when they ask what I do for a living and I tell them that I work from home that I write stories and poetry that I am trying to try to get published and they tell me that it is not a real job that I can't count it as a something I do for a living with how working from home writing stories and poetry when I haven't been published yet doesn't count as work the way I see it what I do still counts as work with how I have to come up with the ideas for what I write about both with my poems and with my stories and get them to sound just right it takes time and effort to get a book ready to be published its not like you can do it all in one day
I am hoping to get published later this year I have a few ideas in mind that are for several of the stories that I am working on and I have been working on some new poems as well I have also been looking in to publishers so when I'm ready to get published I have a few places to send my work to this way I can try to get my work published
there are a few people that see my writing as a full time job and see what I write as something great and have been encouraging me to get published though sometimes I wonder if I even have what it takes to get published
GrayWolf

I started my DBT(Dialectical Behavior Therapy) classes yesterday(4/27/18) I had bought some books on the subject at the start of the month after my T(therapist) and psychiatrist told me that I will be starting the class at the end of the month I was the first one to show up to the class that wasn't staff so it gave me a chance to as the staff a few questions and show them the books that I had bought we are using one of the books that I have bought in the class so I'm using my copy instead of the photo copies that everyone else is using for the rest of the class I have to use the hand outs that are given to us by the staff we are to read everything in the book I have with how it is a DBT Diary and start our Diaries on Monday so I'm going to be studying all weekend
kind of reminds me of when I was in school I would spend all weekend studying though when I was in school I didn't have a computer at home so I had to hand write all of my papers then spend my free period typing up my papers so that I could pass them in on time and go to the computer lab after school to finish typing up my papers with how my teachers wanted our papers to be typed up and not hand written we did get a computer my Senior year of high school we just didn't have a printer so it made it easier to get my papers done on time I just had to get to the computer lab or use the computer during my computer class to print out my papers
the good thing is with my DBT homework it doesn't have to be typed up it can be done by hand for at this moment I have no ink for my printer and when my T gives me homework I can do it by hand if it is something that has to be written out that's why I plan on doing my DBT homework on the weekends this way if my T gives me homework to do I can do that during the week and not have to try to do both at the same time it's not that I'm lazy its just when I was in school I struggled a lot with my homework because I always felt over whelmed by everything and there was no one that I could talk to that understood how I was feeling and where I grew up everyone knew my family for I grew up in a small town and my family sees speaking to a T as weakness
even though its not a weakness it takes a lot of strength to ask for help when you need the help and when I was living in my hometown I was more concerned about my grades and making sure that I was able to keep up with my studies, part time job, after school activities, hanging out with my friends, my boyfriend and visiting my gamma in the nursing home I was very close to her she helped to raise me and was the only adult that I knew that I could trust when I was growing up
my Senior year of high school was so busy and I was always on the move with how my parents divorced when I was little so every Wednesday well when my father remembered he would come pick me up and I would be at his house until Sunday night or sometimes it would just be for the weekend depending on if he remembered to pick me up or not with how I never knew when he was going to show up I always had a bag packed and read to go
I am hoping that my DBT class can help me to learn to be more focused and stay in better control over things in my life with how sometimes it feels as though the emotional health conditions that I live with have more control than I do in this life
GrayWolf

Had a good day today saw my T things went good with our talk I have been working on several stories with how I can never work on just one story at a time and I am getting some of my poems together so that I can try to get the published I saw two of my friends today when I was on the bus going to my appointment today it was nice to see them
I am hoping to get published though I am not interested in getting published for the money I just want my work out there for that is all I have ever wanted is to just have work out there nothing more
I had ran out of cat food so I bought some wet food for my cat just until I can get her the food that I normally buy her to eat and she seems to like it so I might switch her over to wet food
GrayWolf

it has been very nice out today where I live and very warm I have had the fan on high all day with how it's 87 degrees out today even my cat is just lazing around she's stretched out in the middle of the living room floor
I have been working on one of the stories that I'm writing with how I'm working on four different stories I'm hoping that its not this warm out tomorrow with how I get sick from the heat though before I was on the medications that I'm on the heat didn't bother me I could go out in very high heat and wear all black with out breaking a sweat now if I do that I feel dizzy and like I'll pass out
I know that it's from my medications so I have to stay in cool temperatures when it is above 65 degrees so I keep ice in the freeze so I can cool down quickly if I need to and soak in a cool bath so that I don't over heat and pass out
with how my husband is always in his office playing video games so if I were to pass out he wouldn't even notice so I make sure that I stay hydrated and stay cool when it is warm out
GrayWolf

Had my DBT class today class went good just been a long day
Doing a little writing then I'm going to sleep
GrayWolf