0pazpaz's journal (replies welcome)

Replies welcome

Community vs. classism.

If I listen to myself, the things I say to myself would I say to a friend?.

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[Not] being fair to myself.

If I risk 'relasping' into pornography, I tell myself how I prefer to login into 'cracked.com'
and look through articles which I have 'favourited'.

How can one be both a leader and to some effect something of an anarchist?.

Teamwork?.

Eventually everything repeats itself without you having 'had to try' to 'look for that'. In my opinion.

--Outburst at not only my dad but my sister as well, earlier this morning; I brought up a webcam interview and using her laptop.

--Outburst at both--things brought up including how it's okay if I don't work, what it would be like for me after and the possibility of vacationing.

--Thankful for response about 'pending' possibility of volunteering. In a way.

Went out with ppl after a peer support group to eat--

--food ordered which is similar to what my mom prepares as a part of work (she works at a restaurant), crassness, conversation, *openness*

--I still feel/think that I'm the 'passive one'..even while listening..the 'withering away or erosion' of deeply unpleasant thoughts related to the past..I feel that, *that* is important..

In regards to my dad

Imagine if you will someone with a questionable sense of responsibility, a curmegeonly like attitude whose idea of an 'ideal life' is living an agrarian life in rural El Salvador with perhaps no consideration for the emotional satisfaction of family members or 'career opportunities' of offspring, the underlying tone being that 'the simple life'/being something of an communal labor force connected via a blood relation will sate everything.

Saying stuff about being an employee being slavery, being 'used and abused' while drunk---...
Goodness could I retort and it .p.o.'s me how my siblings won't be involved or help when he's like that. I wonder if he would say similar things to my sister. It's annoying to think that such things have been 'withheld' in a sense/ 'what could I come to expect' after finally wrapping up school at the age of 25 in spite of having been majorly impacted in terms of mental health around ~a decade ago.

I hate how my mom might wind up having to lie about having eaten a donair after having told me an okay to eat a second donair over a device and me deciding to tell my younger brother about the donair, which he ate.

'Summary'

---community,classism...anarchism,meritocracy...such are the thoughts when I think about how ppl behave and interact in groups...a dense lense which I don't have to always evoke when it comes to something I still struggle 'to believe in'..'friendship'...Storge?..Philia?..or leadership and teamwork for that matter.

--Not being fair to myself and how if I listen to myself, the things I say to myself would I say to a friend?.

--even if everything is temporary, what is temporary sees to return to a certain point; it can make a 'struggle' to seek something, less entailing of effort. This is after reminding myself how delving into crass like infotainment is a better option than pornography.

-The 'fusses' of 7-6-2017

-*What makes me* resentful towards my dad isn't quite likely to change to my chagrin..alleviation in my perception towards him can change when he 'opens up' and I do whatever 'analysis' I do with when he is exposed. Even before a 'D'Oh!' like moment of frustration regarding a donair.

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"A simple thing said complexly”--Kyle Kallgren

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Everyone’s experience is valid..we are more alike than we are different..not only in terms of pain..I have a ‘pride’ issue in seeing and/or being able to accept that…a sense of embarrassment and shame at how much I could’ve developed had I chosen ‘to have’ a social life before when factors made me even more insular…that doesn’t quite mean that ‘having a social life’ is going to be any easier. Pressures which aren’t related to ‘social clocks’ or ‘parent cultures’; the dread generated..it is “>_< painful..exhausting etc..to develop the patience for such things and still be able to accept yourself at the end of a day!.

Even when I was within a ‘labour investment process’ (schooling)…it didn’t have to be a competition and hence it didn’t have to be complex…what made me think like that can now be reduced b/c the fears of being hassled by teachers and ‘young adult saltiness’ are going to gradually erode even while ‘giving way’ to ones I hate and/or am somewhat repulsed to approach like getting along with my dad, making friends and priorities like moving out on my own or learning to drive.

Toxic pressure in exchange for an inner voice. Pression toxico a cambio por un voz de interior.