XFA's Journal

REPLIES WELCOME

This journal is a replacement for my blog. Anybody who is interested might want to check it out.

I'll talk about my mental health, life and a relationship that I'm in right now which is pretty complicated. I'll also use this journal to vent and complain.

Short description of who I am: An avoidant, dependent, obsessive-compulsive and paranoid teenager with strong borderline traits and a rather "interesting" sexuality. Yes, I suck at describing myself.

At the moment I am in a dilemma. Trying to distance myself emotionally from the person I am in love with. I am completely emotionally dependent on her and her behavior and moods pretty much dictate my behavior and moods. This is not good..I have completely submissified myself to her, put her on the pedestal at times and at other times I just completely devalue her. After very intense 4 months in the beginning, she is now in a difficult situation and our relationship suffers from it. She seems cold, detached and indifferent towards me. It hurts and it's hard to accept. I seem trapped, feel pretty empty most of the time and suffer from unpredictable mood swings. People in my environment and especially my grades suffer from it aswell.

Lots of entries in this journal are gonna be about my struggle with this and life in general. I won't be able to update this journal everyday, because consistency is certainly not my strength (I wish it would be..I really do).

Good luck on your journey XFA. The upside is, you know some of the issues you are laboring with, relationship aside.

Perhaps if you tell her the things you are up against, as you have told us here, it will be easier for her to understand why you react the way you do sometimes. Opening up to someone is a crap shoot, I'll be honest. Sometimes it works, sometimes it back fires, but most of the time it is somewhere in-between.

Whatever the case, try to start to make small changes if need be, and try and relish the victories.

Otter.

Otter wrote:Perhaps if you tell her the things you are up against, as you have told us here, it will be easier for her to understand why you react the way you do sometimes. Opening up to someone is a crap shoot, I'll be honest. Sometimes it works, sometimes it back fires, but most of the time it is somewhere in-between.

As I had another outburst yesterday, I talked about my fears and why I act in such a questionable way towards her sometimes. When I explained to her that my subconscious is trying to get rid of her (which is does when I am emotionally dysregulated as a defense mechanism), she was offended as it triggered her fear of abandonment. We agreed on me telling her early enough when I am dysregulated. I'll then turn off my phone and put it away for a few hours until the trip is over. That way I don't do anymore damage with my behavior..

The fact that I hurt her with that statement is actually proof to me that I mean something to her. I had my doubts, but now they're gone. Our communication is improving everyday.

Yesterday I was in a good mood throughout the whole day, but then I got triggered and it all went upside down. I had complete mental breakdown into a panic attack...I hate this $#%^..
Watched The Sopranos at the same time and could identify myself very well with the character Gloria Trillo. Guess I am just as "crazy" as she is..

Feeling empty. High sex drive. Irritable. For some reason everything pisses me off. I just want to be in a different environment.
Fantasizing a lot. Fantasizing of rape and murder. Drinking blood. Corpses in open caskets. Media attention.

No idea what's going on inside my head right now. Not sure where I am going. Don't even know what to write.

We are friends with benefits + feelings + committing BUT without it being a relationship.

Sounds stupid? Yes, it is. It is.

If you harm yourself and wanna talk to someone about it, I am the right person:
"I think I did something stupid and indiscriminate.."
"What?"
"I think you know what I did..I can't say it..I really can't.."
"You cheated on me.." (Not a joke. I had no doubt. Was absolutely certain. Anxiety was pumping up.)
"###$ no...gosh, that hurt"

Turns out it didn't destroy the atmosphere though. Another personality feature of mine: Always assume the worst even if you don't have any evidence..

Can't wear my black jacket anymore, too hot..My goal is to always wear something that attracts the least amount of attention. I also wanna reduce the chances of being judged by which brand I'm wearing (excuse my terrible english). I shouldn't give a flying fu*k about any of this superficial pricks who judge you on the crap, but for some reason I do. It's not a rational process..Whatever.

Another problem is the heat. I hate it. It drains me. I can't do much about that. It forces me to darken the room so the heat doesn't get in. As a consequence of that I probably lack serotonine which makes me depressed. I can't sleep very well with all this heat AND I have an extreme fear of wasps/bees.

Another problem is that I always associate heat and summer with fainting. So when I am out in the city and people enjoy the sun, the heat blabla, I enjoy intense anxiety and sometimes panic attacks.

I love summer..

I hate summer. HATE. Actually, I like when the sun comes up and when the sun goes down. My favorite summer day is when the sun comes up, it rains most of the day, clears at sunset and starts to rain again at night (with thunder and lightening) - repeat as needed.

And you wont catch me in a crowd in summer. Especially if there is consumerism buffoonery galore!

Otter wrote:I hate summer. HATE. Actually, I like when the sun comes up and when the sun goes down. My favorite summer day is when the sun comes up, it rains most of the day, clears at sunset and starts to rain again at night (with thunder and lightening) - repeat as needed.

Absolutely. That's the ideal weather for me aswell. I LOVE thunder storms.

Otter wrote:And you wont catch me in a crowd in summer. Especially if there is consumerism buffoonery galore!

Me neither. 1. I don't like people, 2. I don't like crowds and ESPECIALLY when it's really hot.

Today I am in such an elevated mood, it's unbelievable. Woke up feeling depressed and now it's the exact opposite. I am so confident, motivated and ambitious. Hope it lasts..(probably won't)

The fact that my girlfriend is chatting with other people and seems to be neglecting me doesn't even worry me that much. It bothers me, but not as much as it usually does.