username2013's journal (no replies please)

I have nothing else to say but this. venting-forum/topic143474.html

I already abandoned myself once. I'm not doing it again.

I'm restarting transition. I can't stand this any more. I need out. I'm tired of not being myself. I am not going to abandon myself again.
I'm going to make an appointment with my pdoc and see about getting more estrogen and getting my levels back up.
I'm tired of this unhappiness with myself.

I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with this guilt and shame. But I can't stand this any more. I need to be me.

I'm so confused right now and going through a lot.

I just sent an email to my psychologist and cancelled my appointment this week. I just can't deal with this right now.

I'm tired of this sh*t life and these problems. But I can't deal with this shame right now that I feel. I've told her everything and I can't face her right now.

I feel like I want to lock myself away and hide and have nothing to do with anyone. I'm sick of everyone.

I wish everyone would just leave me alone.

Hmm. Tele-therapy will be interesting today. About to commence in 5 min or so. I requested a telephone session today with my psychologist. It makes me feel more comfortable right now and I'm not able to make it there today anyway.
All in the comfort of my own home, and I get to smoke.

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got some answers!!!! Finally!!!! It makes sense! Not a definite, but it makes sense.

Things are coming together now I think. Picture is starting to become clear. Finally. I hope this is it!

I spent more than 5 hours talking with my sister in email. We exchanged more than 100 emails between us. It was a good talk. But I'm really pissed, and I didn't take the news well.

But she told me that our eldest brother raped her when she was around 7, as well as her 2 year old half-sister. That would have made my brother 11 or 12.

I was angry, and having revenge fantasies. I really wanted and wish I could kick his ass. I think that is sick.
From the way she worded it, it sounded like a repeat thing and not just once. The thing that pisses me off, that dumb bitch therapist I was seeing at the time, my mom had talked with her and came back with the conclusion that it was "experimentation".

I was up all wednesday night with no sleep and had therapy the next day. i was exhausted. Derealizing really bad all night. Kept numbing out.

I don't know what else to say.