username2013's journal (no replies please)

It's hard to face things, and it's hard to let go of some things. I guess I just have nothing else to say.

Oh, and I guess I'm just a mental health hypocondriac.

I was talking to my psychologist yesterday, that since coming to self-awareness my attention seeking doesn't seem so appealing to me any more.

But I guess that still doesn't take away the need. I feel sad, alone, depressed and invisible right now. I crave attention. I starve for it. It's like my whole life has been in a state of total deprivation, and all I've ever sought was to have that void filled.



Why does it hurt so much?

I'm still attention seeking my friend. Talking about my favorite subject: me. It's interesting when I look back on our friendship, I some times change roles with him. Like see him as a mentor, or a friend, or in the past a love interest that I was really infatuated with. Depending on what suits my needs at the moment.

He's dreadfully boring (though funny at times), and very monotonous and predictable. But he's a good guy and seems to have a good head on his shoulders, and he provides me some stability.

Which led me to a thought last night, that I've taken similiar roles with girlfriends in the past. I would always want them to take the boyfriend role, the one to take care of me and protect me. I just always thought I was effeminate because I always gravitated towards wanting to play those roles in those relationships.

I guess that's what it is. I just want someone to take responsibility and take care of me and nurture me. I'm 37 years old, and I feel silly for saying that. That I'm still like that and I'm supposed to be a grown up.

Today I feel depressed and lonely. And fill this big gaping hole inside of me. Teary and emotional. I missed my emotions. It's just how I've always been. It's nice to get in touch with myself again.

I sent a barage of emails to my psych while I was stoned. I was probably freaking out over nothing and making a big deal out of nothing as usual. I was being a bit of a mental health hypochondriac.

So that's all today, journal. Just feel teary and feel it welling up inside of me. Just feel emotional, hurt, and kind of raw.

I wonder if I can ever get through this.

I guess it's that part of me that doesn't want to grow up and take on big boy responsibilities. I am afraid I will fail and not be able to take care of myself and not last long alone.

Plus I'm out of pot and I'm having fairly strong cravings, and I'm a little cranky as a result.

So just feeling depressed, sad, alone, and empty inside today. I have no real life friends, or real interests, just I just sit at home all day and do nothing. Just the same routine everyday.

I'm afraid to be social and to stick my neck out and find connections. I have a lot to work through.

That's one of the reasons why I wonder if I will ever get out of this pattern. I've been in it for so damn long. It's hard to challenge.

God. I just feel terribly lonely and depressed today.

I guess listening to music that stirs up these feelings already inside of me doesn't help. I kind of feed off it in a weird way.

It just kind of feeds into that cycle of feeling sorry for myself maybe. I don't know. It stirs up some very powerful feelings within me though.

Just listening to such music, and I feel more depressed and alone and lonely. It stirs up those feelings within me.

I have a natural tendency toward introversion and depression anyway, maybe this is part of it. I don't know.

I feel rejected and kicked to the side. I've always felt that way by everyone. Perhaps that plays into the 'victimized by the world' mentality, but even realizing that doesn't make it hurt less.

I just feel worthless.

And the stupid thing is, my friend cannot understand that. I've felt like nobody has ever been able to understand me or my pain. It makes me feel very alone in it.