the man's journal

I feel empty today. Last night I cried myself to sleep again. I had been flicking between angry and sad before I went to bed. I'm back at college and it's crap. I don't mind the work and I like my course. It's the rest I hate. The people, the night-life, all that crap. I wish I could just do everything from home. I hate having to go in and stay around campus for the day. I can't even be myself with the few friends I have. What's the point of it all? Wasting all this time. I don't want to live this way. I feel like I'm being forced into it and I just want to leave. I don't like anyone around me but I can't avoid them all the time.
All the bad coping mechanisms have returned, suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I know I'm not going to get help on my own and I've told a few people hoping that they'd force me to go but nope, all they've done is ignore me since then and these are my best friends. How great.
I'm conflicted. I feel as if I should just shut up and get on with things but I know that a normal life has no meaning to me so I might as well kill myself if I'm going down that road. On the other hand is dealing with my problems and living how I want to but it seems as if everyone would rather I just shut up and conformed. Maybe my friends think I'm just desperately looking for attention.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Not fantastic but better. I have the weekend to relax and be on my own comfortably, always a great thing though I have been coerced into going to the cinema. Don't know how but we'll see how it goes.
I'm not exactly overflowing with motivation at the moment and it all seems a little pointless. I'm going to have to focus on myself for a while. I'll feel selfish but focusing on others only serves to leave me frustrated and sad usually. I'm going to try to do things I enjoy tomorrow.
The injustice of this world is getting to me too. I feel like I could help but at the same time I feel like I'm just a part of the problem.
I don't have much more to say at the moment. My head is sore and I can't really think.

My last few days have been littered with ups and downs. One minute I'm planning my death and feeling sad, the next minute I'm planning my death and feeling delighted. Those statements are slightly paradoxical but the plans varied immensely in each case and these changes represented my mood because even while happy I like the idea of giving myself only a certain amount of time to live, it's exciting and one of the few things, maybe the only one, that motivates me.
My weekend went okay but I didn't go to the cinema as all my friends were caught up with other things. One friends grandfather died and I offered him my support and took a slight interest in his death. I was quite proud of myself for doing this as it's the first time I've ever done such a thing.
My anxiety was working overtime today but I felt like I handled it well though I spent most of the day attempting to remember how to breathe as it seemed I'd forgotten how to do such a fundamental task. I didn't let this get me down though.
I had quite a large headache and didn't get to watch the super-bowl yesterday. I was obsessing over a few things at the time and I feel as if these were the main causes of my headache. They weren't things I could do or tidy either so I was left feeling rather frustrated.
All in all a good report for the last few days.

The past few days I've been swinging between angry and very sad. Neither being where I want to be. We had a storm two days ago and I haven't gotten water or power back yet. The first day was fine but yesterday I was very angry and really snapped at my family. My neighbour came down and she made a joke about how I was always so depressed and that I looked depressed. Everybody laughed. As if it was all a joke and that I was clearly fine despite everything pointing the other way. Thanks guys! I always hear about people being depressed and their friends and family noticing because they're acting so weird but I've been this way my entire life so my family act as if it's just how I am and there's not even a point in trying to help me or even acknowledging it. Just because I've never been "better" doesn't necessarily mean I can't be better and I want to be better.
My anxiety has really been at me the past few days. Every little decision has become life-or-death and I need everything to go exactly to plan. I need my day to work in perfect discrete time periods of activities or else the world is going to end. Well not the world but my part in it. I don't feel like I'm going to disappear, I feel like I'm going to be left here with all my failures on display for the amusement of others.