Pink01's Journal

I don't want this...whine whine whine that I do and it's for the best.

Can I just get it over with so I don't feel like utter crap anymore?

I woke up uncomfortable
It was the feeling of being covered in blood
I panic, run to the bathroom
And almost a bittersweet relief spreads over me that the decision is no longer mine
I change everything, chug a few aspirin as it's all I have and go back to sleep...
I wake up for real this time
It was all a dream...

I don't know what to do because I love you.

I've been reminded why I hate therapy

I don't like talking about things

not going

I seriously was beyond upset 10 minutes ago and now I can't remember why because I distracted myself. Because I suppress everything and don't want to deal with it.

However...I will try to write down how I felt so I don't make the mistake of going to counseling.

• lashing out - this is a big concern because I get very childish
• I don't like talking about anything serious with people who are stern with me and asking me certain questions and try to question if there's actually anything wrong
• I don't want to find the root of all this

I am tired of being told "I'm going through a hard time and I need help."
I am sick of it.
Mm...maybe I can't do this. Abandoning plans for happiness and starting plans for destruction...picking a doomsday.

F*ck that clinic appointment and counseling appointment

I'll do it myself and I'll counsel myself god dammit

Close to relapse....

I went out and bought a lot of food. Before that I got things to take care of things/it/whatever... Just all the food I've wanted lately from every grocery store/fast food place/cafe.
Alfredo penne with cajun chicken, manicotti, a whole white pizza, a whole ice cream cake, cannolis, chicken nuggets, french fries, ice cream, sharp cheddar cheese, various flavored coffee creamers, cheesecake brownies and a few holiday flavored seltzer waters. (lol at knowing all this without even blinking an eye)

And to me....that was all just so orgasmic practically. I wanted it all in my mouth. But I bought all of it for a few binge days... And then I got home and I laid all of it on my desk and I just looked at it. How much I wanted it in my mouth almost consumed me. And I just put it all in the fridge and went to sleep. And I left the pills on my desk....after that deed is done the food is mine

I had every intention of b&ping. It's never been a sacred thing for me like it is for others so whatever...and at least I'm controlling myself right now.

lol when a P3 asks me if I'm a p1....no how about a p6 as in done
Intolerant of people

I'm so tired of you already and its been a week....ugh. I hate texting you...and I'm dreading the idea of eating with you soon because it's all f*cking tedious...and I don't want you eating my damn food...

The last time I wanted to kill myself I planned it for valentine's day

so how about christmas now? just kidding...kind of...