Pink01's Journal

Replies welcome

Cracked

Thank you Cracked...

I was fine. I was and now everything is messed up again

I don't have the emotions to even express how I feel now. It's just empty. I really am fine.
Yesterday someone asked me if I was ok. I know it shows in my face I'm not but internally....I feel fine. I don't think I suppress how I feel. I just don't deal with it properly. Because I don't want to. Because maybe I see things one way or no way.

The only thing I want right now is to
A) eat a lot of food because I'm hungry to the point of feeling sick
B) throw it up because I genuinely feel constantly nauseous after the food
^I have so many things on my plate and this is what I care about

Not that I mind either because I'd like to naturally lose a few pounds to get thanksgiving weight off

So do I feel better? I feel the same. Now to get used probably by a man that doesn't care about me.

I'm glad I interest you so much that you fell asleep right after we f*cked...thanks

The clock is either fine or ticking very rapidly...I don't know which it is

Al-co-hol?

positives:
Someone cute to cuddle at night
Cute to dress
Fun to hold
Cute laughs
Someone to spend money on
Someone to love me
To treat well and not bad
Keep in my life and not just discard
getting closer to 30

negatives:
unstable now
not capable of keeping anyone around (must do)
suicidal
alcohol
undiagnosed problems (PD?)
selfish
mean
career problems
homicidal
fear of getting 200 pounds <<<< bad number
fear of getting ugly and worn out looking

seductiveness turning into maternalness << can see this happening

she hates me
I was just trying to help...ughh

Do you want to know why I didn't make an appointment on my own? Why you had to force me?
Because I don't want to f*cking talk to you.
I Do Not Want To Talk To You.
I can't stay strong during it. I can't. It is inevitable that I will cry and you will think I'm a lunatic. I forgot I even had to do it. I feel sick, I feel gross. I feel helpless and I'm trying to stay ok. You are going to think I'm ridiculous because it's going to be this dramatic show and I'm just trying to make sure I don't get locked away in some hospital.

No work today....called out. Thinking about quitting. I just need a break and a lot of sleep.

One of the sweetest things anyone's ever done for me....August 4th.
One of the cutest things I've ever seen in my entire life.

No more alcohol. I think I love you.

I am NOT incapable of happiness.
I CAN be happy.

What on earth did I do to deserve this sh*tty personality.

What did I do wrong?

Another person that tells me I need counseling and that my behavior is very out of the ordinary
I can't help it

Need to calm down and keep my stress levels low

How I want things to be....can't be right now I don't think.

Make the right decision and end this. Be depressed for a little while and try to get over this without being a danger to myself. Change my focus into POSITIVE thinking?

-Cut out alcohol!! Completely.
-Get down to 140 (-27, normally -14....)
^doing this healthily and strictly TTC once I'm in maintenance
- Go to therapy and get myself to a point where I can be selfless enough to do this
-positive lifestyle
-Optional: find long term partner

Time: would like to be done at 28, have at 28/29

This makes me so sad...I just want you. You you you...