Havoctoria's Journal (no replies)

by **CrackedGirl** » Sat Oct 26, 2013 2:09 pm

No replies please.

I really have a problem with people making themselves feel better by telling themselves/believing things that aren't true. I don't believe people are entitled to their delusions. No. Because when you're f#cked up, you f#ck up those around you. I am usually the bubble-burster. The one who comes along & smashes blissful fantasies with the hard truth. Society is really going to sh#t when people like me are considered flawed for advocating truth. I have flaws but that is not one of them. Or when people try to tone-police me. Sorry. You can pour as much sugar as you want on that sh#t, baby. It's still sh#t. No matter how it tastes. When people accuse me of being "harsh" or "such a meanie-face wah!" because of how I told the truth, it just tells me they haven't come to terms with that truth yet. If I were a prostitute who hadn't bathed in two weeks & someone calls me a "dirty whore", why would I be offended? The FACT is I'm dirty & the FACT is I'm a whore. It's not an insult. It's English.

by **Havoctoria** » Sat Oct 26, 2013 5:23 pm

Even if the person meant it to be insulting, it would be stupid of me to be offended because it's the TRUTH. & that is the big picture. Otherwise anyone can take a pledge of ignorance by saying that any tone of voice/choice of words hurts them. Sorry. No. You don't get to do that. As far as I'm concerned; the more offended you are by the truth (regardless of how it's served), the badder you need to hear it. I'm not for shoving opinions down people's throats. But facts? Hell yeah. Everyone is obligated to eat those. I'd forcefully inject them into everyone if I could.

There are better ways to cope than deluding oneself. The way I see it, there are two right ways to cope with anything: Fixing the problem, or removing the baby bottle from your mouth & going on with life. Not "running away", but REALIZING that letting your mind dwell in the past is stupid stupid stupid. Anyway. I had to get that off my chest.

by **Havoctoria** » Sat Oct 26, 2013 11:31 pm

TW: ABUSE AND SELF-HARM

Just got into another bad fight with my bf. Self-harmed again, very badly, and the fight got physical. He called me a moron and said being with me made him feel like he was on a torture rack.

I don't understand. Even before Gina took over, him and I seemed to be getting along better. Am I that bad? That just being around me is torture?

I bit myself, and ripped out more of my hair, and tore at things with my teeth. Just like that last horrifying fight we had. I let my rage out on my own body. I took both of our anger.

I hate it when he starts YELLING at me and degrading me. Threatening to leave, too, knowing I will do anything to keep him. Even risk getting pregnant. Anything.

Especially now that I have half the hair I use to and I look like a battered slut. I should be grateful for a man who can watch me brutalize myself and still see me as a sane person worthy of his affection.

You can choke me and hate me all you want just please, please don't leave.

by **Havoctoria** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:29 am

@littlearcher: Oh she will get therapy. Trust me. I mean, it's not like she can run from me or anything. That would be hilarious.

@thisjournal- What isn't hilarious is having to nurse a big baby that wants to have sex with an older but smaller baby with a penis. I swear that is what I feel like I'm going through. I don't argue with the prick. I only let him stay because if someone decided to off themselves, I'm screwed. Who cares what he has to say? He doesn't even have a job. ##ck I care if he yells so more people can hear how stupid he is? & he doesn't yell at me. It's amazing how calm even an abusive jerk can be when you don't go out of your way to provoke him. Wow. Shocking. & I'll make him eat his d### if he ever tries to hit me. Both of you "lovebirds" need to stop beating on me though. I'm serious Sage. I will make you physically seperate from me, somehow, & throw you into a volcano. Stop f#cking hitting me. You don't feel that pain. I do.

by **Havoctoria** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 4:51 pm

In less than a month I'll be "another year older". 3 things I normally refrain from telling people: my age, my gender & my sex. First off it's very hard to find people who agree that gender & sex aren't even remotely the same thing. Second, it keeps them from making assumptions based on generalizations about people in my age/sex/gender group. It forces them to have to actually get to know me & why/how I am who I am & have the traits I do. THEN they can know the other stuff. That is why I prefer communicating online. People are going to be prejudice regardless but I can give them LESS to draw premature conclusions based on. The internet enables me to establish very important (for me) social boundaries that I cannot enforce face-to-face. & I'm very safe about meeting people. Keeping it entirely public for the first few dates for example. Speaking of dates it's time for me to get ready for mine. A very generous gentleman with beautiful eyes. Same color as money.

by **Havoctoria** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:09 pm

Thank goodness Sage is such a prude when it comes to sex with men she actually knows because I do not feel like explaining to my "boyfriend" why I am not having sex with him. I would have to lie. The truth (that I'm not into him at all, not even a little, not even as a friend or a sentient dildo) may make him a bit suspicious. Just a bit. Unless he likes that kinky "I hate you baby" sh#t & no one told me.

by **Havoctoria** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:31 pm

My little rant reminded me of two things. 1) I dislike "dating" (I keep my "romantic" relationships casual) males who are shorter than me/my height & females who are taller than me. Has a lot to do with my upbringing & exposure to the ridiculous so-called "norms" society so mistakingly thinks it decides for us. I like when a person can grab my attention & I don't know their height, so when I find out, I give no f###s. Intelligence, wealth & beauty turn me on. Period. But if the first time we ever speak I notice you're the "wrong height for your sex" (just my preference talking, I know there's no such thing), I may never develop those warm, sexy feelings. Internet ftw. Once I have the warm&sexies, my preferences matter not. 2) We have two alters who are men (not males since the body is female, but men). Well one is a man sometimes. Genderfluid. The other is this brooding borderline-misogynist. I say that because he mostly comes out to confront hostile females. & broods.

by **Havoctoria** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:54 pm

This is how you break up with him:

"We're hitting each other. We walk on eggshells around each other. We purposely hurt one another. I'm not honest with you & I can't bring myself to trust you. This relationship isn't good for me. This isn't what I want. & it's gotten to the point where I honestly feel like I can't live without you. I don't want to feel that way & I know from past experience that I am only going to get worse, because I've been here before. I'm stuck in a pattern with you that I need to break. My mental & physical health & safety are in jeopardy & not JUST because of you or this relationship. Even if I wanted to fix this, I need to fix myself first. I have so much to do. I can't keep supporting the both of us like this. I need to give myself a fair chance to heal & I have to start by saying goodbye to you. Please don't try to contact me again & don't respond if I reach out to you. No matter what. Help me do the right thing."

BAM. This is perfect. Please say it!

by **Havoctoria** » Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:24 pm

So...

How many years before I stop seeing random strands of his hair in my belongings?
Who will I confide in?
Who will go on and on about curry? And give that cheerful "I've been a good boy, right?" look after telling me a really boring story? I may not love him, but there are things I feel that love, and whatever I feel for him, have in common. I cherish him. I'm grateful for him.

All relationships hurt. I can't justify (to myself) why or where to cross the line. He's not perfect but he is mine.

And I don't want him.
But the alternative is unknown.

There will be an empty space in my life. In my bed. In the shower. Beside me. Behind me. In front of me. Inside of me. I'll have to live with knowing how much I hurt him by abandoning him. I'll feel guilty knowing that no matter what anyone says or believes, I'll never know for sure if we could have made things better. Then I think even if we went to therapy together, they'd probably just tell us to break up...

Havoctoria's Journal (no replies)

Havoctoria's Journal (no replies)

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