username2013's journal (no replies please)

Who am I? I don't know what I want, I don't know who I am, I don't know what I like or want to do with my life.

Having my diagnosis nailed down helps. It helps to know why I do what I do. An explanation for my compulsions and behaviors throughout my life. But I still don't know who I am.

I feel empty inside. Chronically bored. I think my friend and therapist were both right. I need to find some real life connections. But how? Where? I'm not into clubs or bars. I'm a quiet person, but neither extroverted nor introverted.

I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've already wasted so much time, and it pisses me off. I have nothing to show for my life. No accomplishments. Nothing.

Who the f*ck am I?

My friend has come to accept me, and I am very thankful for that. I was feeling very depressed, empty. I needed attention. After my friend gave me some attention and acknowlegement, I felt much better. Tremendous inner peace and calm. I hate that I need others for validation.

I believe in God, but some of His truths are not compatible with me. How can I resolve this conflict? My therapist says the answers lie within me, and I am trying to find them. But, for one thing, I am a homosexual. I am not attracted to women, I am quite repulsed by them. Shall I stay single for the rest of my life, so as to please God? But His word says it is not by works, but by grace that we are saved. So nothing we do will ever be good enough for Him.

It seems to me that God's love is conditional. He will accept you if you submit to Him and change. I have told God I cannot accept His authority in my life. I cannot. I cannot help being the way I am. I should say not God's love that is conditional, but rather salvation that is.
But still, it's not easy. I'm walking this tight rope.

My therapist agrees that what I experienced the past 24 years is suppression. It was a suppression of my true self. I hid behind a false self, because the rejection was too painful. I have been terrified of rejection since. Being out and exposed, the fear of rejection makes me tremble and deeply afraid. But I cannot go back to that lie.

This is a tight rope that I am trying to navigate. The hint of rejection, any quality of mine that may find me disapproval or rejection from others causes this 24 year old defense mechanism to activate. I've been fighting it since I emerged fully.

My therapist also wants me to learn to self-validate. That's what I've been doing, and it's been a struggle. I still need others to validate me. That is part of the condition and will never change, though I am getting stronger.

I didn't have a hand in the creation of this disorder. It is not my fault. Shall I be condemned for it? There are some truths that I cannot accept. They are too dangerous to my sense of Self. I cannot go back to that repression.

I'm craving attention, but as usual, I'm too afraid to seek it, for fear of rejection. I am at the mercy of others. I despise this. I hate it, but I cannot help being afraid.

Such is my existence.

I suppose I should clarify one thing. I believe in God, but I have no desire or inclination to seek a relationship with Him at all. But the state of my eternal soul matters a great deal to me, and it is only because He has me by the balls when I leave this earth, that I have any inclination to seek Him at all. Otherwise I just don't care, and feel like I don't need Him.

I just cannot submit to His authority, or any authority. I cannot. I cannot help my condition. It's a catch-22.

My mind thinks in extreme black and white terms. I know this, and that's why it's such a difficult problem for me. There are no easy answers with this.

I feel depressed. Invisible. I feel this strong need for validation. I need to find some steady supply. I hate this need. I hate that I need others.

I have to reconsider my diagnosis. It's all f*cked up. My research today is now taking me in a new direction.

Thanks to the insight of my friend, and someone else, I see where I was wrong. I need to ruminate over this some more. My diagnosis is not complete. This self-discovery is not finished. Not yet. I may be dropping one label, and adding another. We'll see.

Of course the obvious ones stay. Social phobia, bipolar, borderline and PTSD. Those ones are more than clear, and are official diagnosis.

I see that my friend and someone else were right. I am not antisocial. I am anti-social, anti-society, strongly so, but I see where there is overlap of the Cluster B's and how I was misdiagnosed.

For one thing, the first psychiatrist spent all of 5 minutes with me on the "antisocial stuff", and gave me the label. They hear animal abuse, and automatically assume such. The second psychiatrist was in consensus with the first.

Look deeper, people. I don't see how one can be accurately diagnosed within 5 minutes, or even in one session. Some times it takes multiple sessions to nail down a diagnosis. Even though I do meet 4 of the 7 criteria fully (you only need 3) plus I did have conduct disorder as a child, you have to look at the big picture. I just don't think it fits.

Antisocial is dropped. I see where some of the symptoms can be better explained elsewhere.

Now to the elsewhere....

After doing some research, I am almost certain that what I have is compensatory narcissism. There is almost no doubt in my mind. It's interesting.

I know that I created a false self and have lived this way for 24 years. I think if it is indeed compensatory narcissism, perhaps I internalized it, and that is what has come out. I don't know. I truly don't know any more. It's frustrating me greatly.

I just don't even care any more. I'm sick of this topic, and I'm sick of being obsessed with it.

I have a theory. It occured to me tonight.

I think I may have a transient form of narcissism. I've been looking back on my life, and I see that while I did change dramatically after middle school, and I did suppress myself heavily, there is only one constant throughout my life.

Lack of empathy, and vulnerability to shame and crticism.

I've experienced a lot of hurt in my life. People have hurt me a lot. But I think I started to entertain an inflated self-image after I became a hermit, and continued to get hurt by others.

One thing I see. The therapist at the psych ward was rather adamant that I am histrionic. I laughed at it at the time, considering how reserved I am in real life. But it's due to that rejection from middle school, that caused me to suppress myself heavily, and become very introverted and quiet/shy, due to extreme fear of rejection and ridicule. Because I have PTSD as a result of what happened there. I subdued myself greatly.

I was incredibly naive and gullible growing up and through my early twenties. My needs for attention never stopped. My obsession with appearence also never stopped, and other things.

I think as a result of all the hurts and rejections, I started to entertain an inflated self-image, and began to believe it's who I really was. It was a reaction to my incredibly low self-esteem and the rejection from others.

When I "emerged", I became extremely dissociative, and have been struggling with fighting repression since. I am not so sure that it's really me. I don't think either is really me. The last 24 years, that suppression, or my inflated "narc self".

It fits.

I'm going to bring this up with my therapist.

What the f*ck is going on with me? Is this genuine? I feel guilty for the way I've treated my friend, and I apologized to him for the times I've been cruel to him. The f*ck????? Do I care about him? I don't understand what the hell is going on with me. Do I really care? Am I just idealizing him and don't want him to leave? I don't understand how I'm feeling. This is not like me. I'm not bed ridden with guilt, it's not much at all, but I do feel a little guilty for the way I've treated him.

I'm afraid he has become humanized to me. It was after I started feeling tonight that maybe I do care about him.

Is this for real? I don't understand what is going on. Did I just shut off to people as a defense mechanism? Yes I did.

The f*ck.