username2013's journal (no replies please)

I'm in a really bad place mentally right now. Things are going to hell. Just too much craziness atm. I really need someone to talk to.

This is nothing personal to the other board members, but, I would feel most comfortable talking with a moderator, if that it ok. Just a bunch of stuff that I am not willing to share publicly.

Would it be alright to pm with a moderator or admin? I'm pretty screwed up right now and I have nobody to talk to.

I just need some help to make some sense of some stuff right now. I'm not the most grounded atm.

If things don't improve like really soon, I'm considering inpatient, and I would really like to avoid that if possible. But I feel like I'm close to reaching that point.

I'm willing to talk, if you want to PM me...

That's ok, but thank you anyhow. It's nothing personal. Just some really sensitive, personal stuff.

I called my therapist, and she's trying to find a hospital that will take me, and arrange transportation. I think I need it.
Until then....

Yeah I went to the hospital. The doctor was rather dismissive of me. I think I just had to remove myself from the situation for awhile and get myself into a safer environment to calm down and relax. I'm feeling a lot better. They discharged me after a couple hours. I was just in a very bad mental state.

I see my therapist in a few days and we'll discuss it further. I don't like where this is heading though.

Thank you to those that offered to let me vent, it's very much appreciated.

I got to go. Getting really triggered. I really don't want to talk about this right now. Thanks.

god i hate this. i'm really really stoned, i feel volatile, really sad and feel close to suicide. i feel like i have no hope. i'm going baack to the hospital. god what the f*** is wrong with me???? i hate this!!!

sorry to dump this on you.

It had nothing to do with being triggered here. It's the last two weeks, and it's everything in my life that's going to hell. and I feel backed into a corner. No hope.
I'm waiting for my mom to get here, she's taking me to the hospital. I will update, yes.
Thank you.

I know that littlearcher is talking to you but god, I can relate with ER docs being dismissive. You really have to be forceful. I'm not sure where you live but mental health care can be a nightmare especially for borderlines. I live in Ontario and a certain psych wouldn't even admit me after a suicide attempt because I had borderline.

Can you try a different hospital? Different psychiatrists have less biases against borderline and depression. I eventually got onto inpatient a few times and I'm in a much better place. You really have to plead your case, even play up the suicidal part if you need to. I hope you're okay.

They didn't keep me long. I started getting really agitated and started thinking they were going to keep me to do experiments on me. The doctor gave me a couple ativan to calm me down, and I waited to sober up, and after awhile started feeling better.

It was just a bad combination of everything yesterday all at once. I felt so volatile and suicidal last night, and thought I'd act without thinking.

I was up for over 36 hours, and got a good night's sleep. I feel off today. Not well. I called my doctor and I'm waiting to hear back from them. I'm trying to get in to see her today.

Thank you so much for your support. I'm just screwed up right now.