username2013's journal (no replies please)

I just cannot explain this. But I do not feel like I am the person I was before. At all. I feel vastly different. I don't even feel that inner pain that he carried. This is really strange, because I'm taking my meds religiously. I'm on a strong antipsychotic which is helping me to stay grounded. I have a clear mind.

I have a theory about what happened. I think after the trauma in middle school, I went into total self-denial and repression. I couldn't handle the pain and humiliation, and so I made a very strong, conscious effort to bury myself, bury the bad qualities in me, be anything but me. Deny myself.
and over time, I essentially forgot about myself. But it was all self-denial.

The therapist I spoke with at the psych ward, the one that was very adamant I was histrionic (she strictly said when taken together in the whole picture - with social phobia and borderline), was the one that suggested that possibility. That it was just severe self-denial.

I'm prone to psychotic episodes, I have a history of them. I've been so obsessed and self-focused, and so intently focused on finding the truth within myself. I think that, combined with reality hitting me, might have triggered a psychotic episode, which led me to the hospital.

I really don't know. I feel very different. I feel little to no empathy for others. I feel little to no emotion. When an emotion gets invoked, it's very shallow and short-lived.
I feel intensely "cerebral" for lack of better words. I'm not saying I am a narcissist, only how I'm feeling right now. I'm a very, very serious person. god, I have a very harsh, critical conscience. Just this extreme black and white thinking. I feel just like I did in that "narc self" delusion, only the ego stripped away. I don't know. It's rather strange and hard to explain. This is all so new to me. I just cannot explain this. Maybe it's true, maybe I just had to get real with myself and be honest with myself for once, for me to be able to see it. Hell if I know. Maybe this too is a delusion. I can't make sense of any of this right now.

I wrote a long email to my therapist explaining everything so she knows when I go see her.

I still feel very sensitive to criticism and rejection. I'm staying out of the boards as a result, and limiting my contact with people as much as possible. I still fear rejection and people.

I should be in bed. Good night, journal.

I slept well. I had a few strange dreams. I feel ok. Anxiety is rather high but otherwise feel normal. Feel more back to my old self. I don't know what's going on with me.
I'm anxious to see the doctor and therapist and find out what the hell to do. I cannot do this on my own, I recognize that.
It could have been a severe psychotic episode like the attending psychiatrist thought. I have no idea. It bothers me though. I don't understand anything right now. It is what it is.

The more I think about it, the more I think the psychiatrist was right. I did have pressured speech, very disorganized thinking in that state.
I think it was just acute mania with psychosis, just like the psychiatrist said. I'm feeling more back to my old self again.
I think that being so obsessed with trying to find answers about myself, along with reality hitting me, might have triggered another episode. It makes perfect sense to me. I was just delusional.
And I've said it here before, it seems like every time I get an episode they get worse. My bipolar is bad.

I think what the therapist said about me is absolutely right as well and I see what she meant. It does fit when taken all together.

I feel on more stable ground today. Perhaps I just needed some time to process all of this, and get stable on my meds. This antipsychotic seems to really help. I don't know if I'm allowed to mention specific meds or not, but I will say it's one that is used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar specifically.
The fact that it's working speaks volumes.

So that's my conclusion.

I'm stoned, and I just checked my paperwork, and my doctor appointment is in 4.5 hours. oops. hahahaha. As long as I don't fall asleep between now and then I'll be fine.

I've been pondering everything. I see more and more that the therapist was right.

I think I was just in severe self-denial. A True self/False self of sorts, but I just so denied certain aspects of myself to make myself likeable and acceptable, that I became unaware of it, forgot and buried it over time.

In all, I've been trying to find the truth in myself. This whole self-obsession has been driven by that need.

I think the reality of it all hitting me, might have triggered a psychotic episode, which then made me really delusional.

While in this delusion, or "state", I can say that I had this realization that I could never be my true self to others, because nobody would ever truly accept my feelings. I felt extremely damn haughty, like literally I had to be the center of my universe and could never sincerely accept authority over me. (which is true anyway. I have trouble with authority)
I felt absolutely no empathy at all for others (which is also true, I don't), no care at all for others.
But this realization that nobody would accept me, my haughty desire to have authority over others, created a conflict. I got severely dissociative, began to doubt my existence. I needed to constantly reassure myself in the mirror. I was fixated on the need for having my existence in this reality validated. I'd start fantasizing about getting validated, but the fantasies would get deeper and more difficult to pull out of.

I realized that I've needed my true self to be accepted. But to have my true self accepted, I had to be my true self. I needed people for me to survive in this reality. I realized I couldn't exist in any reality where I wasn't accepted. (whether as the real me, or a false me). It was a bunch of weird stuff.

So when I went to the hospital both times, I felt like I had to tell them who I really was to get that validation/acceptance, but was terrified to tell them, afraid of ridicule and being disbelieved, which would invalidate me, and I was afraid that would send me back into that false self delusion.

It was really, really screwed up. I went to the hospital three times in two days. Finally the last I was admitted to a psych ward, which was absolutely the right decision, and I'm very glad I went.

But, the startling thing to me is, though I was in a delusional state, my fears while in that state speak volumes to me.

First, my extreme fear of my true self being rejected.
Second, my fear of ridicule and being laughed at. Memories surfaced while I was in this state, and I remember the kids at the middle school pointing and laughing, putting nasty notes on my locker, confronting me and hurling insults, intimidating me.
I had a specific fear of being laughed at and ridiculed for how I was feeling (an awakened, haughty narcissist). I had to maintain my ego to maintain this reality, because I had to be my true self and be accepted to remain. I was very, very delusional.
And thirdly, that my true self has never been validated. Ever.

But when I thought about what the therapist said, about being in total self-denial, and how I felt while in that psychotic state, that I was in fact living the pain and fear of rejection of what happened at school. I was living out my own fears in this delusional state. Then it clicked. I have had a True self/False self in that respect. I so denied myself after middle school, to make myself likeable and acceptable, that I eventually forgot about the real me.

It is true I have carried hatred for people for a long, long time. It was a literal "me versus the world" mentality I had. Blame shifting, splitting. All these defense mechanisms I have been using over the years to deal with that pain.

It hurt so much I just severely detached from myself, dissociated from it. The person I have been all these years was a phony, but I wasn't really aware of it. I wasn't self-aware at all. I believe this is what happened. But who knows, I'm stoned. lol.

I don't know, it's really weird stuff and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I think i was just living out the fact that I've never been able to be myself around others. My fear of rejection and being criticised. This excessive self-obsession over figuring myself out. Always deeply pondering it, and I think the realization I had triggered a delusional episode which caused me to live out those fears.

I missed my appointment, I fell asleep. lol. A quick call and I got another one for wednesday.

I've been thinking all day about what happened, and I am comfortable putting this to rest for good. After talking with someone in pm, it had me thinking about a couple things.

As I've already mentioned (so please forgive me if I repeat myself here a lot - I've also been heavily sedated on this new med), I think it was all just a bipolar manic psychotic episode.

I've been obsessing and ruminating over myself for months, trying to find answers, find myself in the truth. Trying to find the truth about myself, trying to make sense of my life and find meaning and find out what's going on with me.

I had recently became convinced I was a covert narcissist. I fit nearly all of the criteria. I became so convinced of it.
After I was heavily pondering what if I have been in self-denial all these years, reality hit, and I think it triggered a manic/psychotic episode. I'd like to mention that when my lithium levels were first checked at the first hospital, I was way below the therapeutic level. Simply because I keep forgetting to take it and I miss doses.

While in this state, I was totally convinced I was a pathological narcissist that finally came out of self-denial and delusion and was fully aware and connected. I truly felt like it. It felt very real to me. Just like it did in the bathroom that one time.
I felt amazingly haughty, supremely confident and strong, almost invincible. My extremely analytical, harsh conscience came into full view.
I felt so confident and strong and powerful, and it felt amazing. Just like when people get mania, they feel their productivity increase, they can feel invincible, powerful, superhuman. I had almost no need for sleep.

I was in total delusion. When I wasn't in pain and struggling, I felt absolutely amazing. I remember walking home from the hospital, just a couple miles away, after my second visit at the hospital. It was raining, about 4am, dark, nobody else around. I felt so amazing, so awesome. Everything around me seemed beautiful. Colors were vibrant and popped, my feelings were very real, close to the surface (unhindered), very real and vibrant. My mind is in love with the truth, always has been, I've always loved finding the truth in everything. Truth seemed amazingly beautiful to me. It's hard to describe this state I was in. I was definitely not myself, but I was convinced this was the real me that I had denied for so long.
I felt so confident. I loved flaunting myself, showing myself.

When I finally went to the third and final hospital, I was distraught, aggressive, and dangerous to myself and others. Going to the psych ward was absolutely the best decision I have made in a long time.

Official diagnosis from the psychiatrist was "acute mania with psychosis". He was right.
The social worker who did my initial intake mentioned the possibility of multiple personalities, because I was definitely not myself. I was convinced it was this narc True self/False self paradigm (which I know now it wasn't). But no, there are no multiple personalities living inside me. I find this highly, highly unlikely. I spoke with him all of 5 or 10 minutes, and it was just an initial assessment.

The therapist I spoke at length with. The one that diagnosed me with HPD (I need to investigate this further, because at face value I see she is right. But my circumstances are unique, I think I may be avoidant as well).

But in all, I see, that my own obsession over all of this, and with the fact that I am highly suggestible, combined with a bipolar manic episode, was all too perfect for this all to happen, and I think that's all it was.

It gives me peace. This only proves why I cannot self-diagnose any more. I am wrong again and again. I need to trust my doctors more and I will make an effort to do so.

I do feel different. A lot of memories and truths came out as a result of this experience. I see that I have been in severe self-denial for so many years. I do wear masks, because I am terrified of rejection. I change to fit my environment, I lie, I wear masks, I deny myself, so well that I convince myself of it.

It's not change, it's just self-denial. I've realized I am too good at it. I've been doing it for too long. I was totally unaware of my behaviors until I was first diagnosed this year and I started researching my diagnosis, and things started coming to light.
I realize that I have used splitting as a defense for so long. Literally "me versus the world" mentality as a means to defend myself against the pain that others have caused me. I'm all good, and the world is all bad and the enemy. That much is true.
I believe that all Cluster B's feature narcissism, which makes total sense to me in my case.

So that's that. I just needed to put this to rest once and for all. My bipolar is bad. This is the worst it has ever been. This delusion was totally convincing. I was absolutely convinced it was real. I thought that was reality, and my "other self" was the delusion. It's crazy.

I've learned a lot through this experience.

And on that note I just realized, it's time to take my meds. I must not forget to take them any more.

It's too late to edit my entry, so I wanted to add that there is no doubt in my mind I have what might be considered "unhealthy" narcissism, but definitely not in the pathological range. I think it's just part of the splitting defense mechanism.

So I see my doctor on wednesday, and my therapist on friday. I sent a long email to my therapist explaining everything, and I know the psychiatrist at the hospital spoke to both my doctor and therapist, so they are both fully aware of the situation.

My goal for now is to get stable and remain stable. Keep taking my meds as I should, and see my doctors as I should, and go from there.

Whatever I am, I still have no inclination to change. I am what I am, and I have the right to be myself. I have the right to be who I am, and I'm tired of bending myself to others to make myself more "acceptable" to society. That's been my problem my whole life. Always denying myself in favor of acceptance.
It is not true acceptance. They are accepting the mask, the act, not the person. I will not change. No more self-denial.
I just want to be stable and be able to live for once in my life. Be who I am. Be free to express myself the way I want to. I've never been able to do that.

If nobody can understand that, that is their problem, not mine. I have a lot to work through and sort out, that's for sure. There is still a lot that doesn't make sense to me. There will be no quick, easy answers.

Do I feel self-important? Yes. Extremely.
Am I self-focused, even to the point of obsession? Absolutely.
Do my needs and wants come first? Yes of course.
Do I care about other's needs in lieu of my own? No.
Do I have a lack of empathy? Yes. I've been that way my entire life.
Do I feel "grandiose"? No. Do I feel superior? No. But I do feel unique (read: special) and separate from all of humanity. That nobody can understand me. I do feel superior in that respect.

That is all I know right now. There's too much to work through and figure out.

I feel very alone, invisible, sad. Nothing else to say.

I'm really stoned, but I just had a thought. I think I'm slipping back into self-denial. I'm already catching it. I think these behaviors and thought patterns are so ingrained because I've been doing it for so long, that it's just an automatic compulsion.
You know, already having the me vs. the world. I hate people. I'm tired of < insert self-pity comment here > thoughts again.
Who knows, maybe I'll be back to my broken, whining, crying, self-pitying person that I was in no time.
But what do I know? I'm stoned, and I need to take my meds.

Who knows? Maybe I am different now. Maybe I just needed to get real with myself for once. I have no idea. But I do feel different, and much more aware of my thoughts and feelings.

One thing is for sure. I hate bipolar!!!

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to wonder if this was in fact an authentic experience. I wonder if I finally did wake up, but couldn't handle the reality of who I was, and it might have caused a psychotic/delusional episode to get triggered. Or it could have all been just a delusion.

Too many things line up though. I know exactly what caused the problem. Again whether it was an authentic awakening to the truth, or just a psychotic episode, it was the reality that I couldn't handle not being the center of this universe, that I would never be accepted for my "true self". That I couldn't exist in any reality where I am not accepted. Hence the need for a false self to live.

A lot of things came to light while I was in the hospital. I realized that I do in fact bend myself, adapt and change, to suit my environment, to make myself likeable and acceptable to others. I was in severe repression and self-denial for 24 years. Completely unaware of my condition and behaviors until this year.

I was in the psych ward for five days. The first two in lock down, because I became so distraught and aggressive, I was dangerous to myself and others. It was then I realized that this isn't going to work, and I disconnected from my "haughty ego". I repressed and denied it, along with other rationalizations, and I started feeling a lot better and self-sustaining.
I had this extreme need for my existence to be validated by others, the lack of which caused me to dissociate severely. I became extremely aggressive, demanding. It was very painful.
But once I finally let go, I literally felt like my "narcissistic self" with the haughty ego stripped. That's the best way I can describe it. I still feel this way. I feel vastly different from my former self.

I've been doing some reading at a website, from the author of Malignant Self-Love, and what he says rings very true with me. That narcs who are overwhelmed by negative or non-existent supply, they resort to self-delusion and partially withdraw from reality. I believe this is what happened to me.
I know I have a True self/False self, whether that is narcissistic or the result of BPD or anything else, I don't know.

I still feel very different from the person I was before. I fit all of the criteria for covert/narcissism, and that was the latest part of my journey of self-discovery.

This is really bothering me because I can't make sense of this either way. But the way I see it, it is only one of two things.

- Authentic experience + delusion (I couldn't handle reality of my condition).
- Pure delusion. Brought on by excessive obsession over figuring myself out, plus my suggestibility and already convinced I was a covert. I had a manic/psychotic episode in which I was living out those feelings.

It can only be one of those two in my estimation, but I wont find out for sure until I can see my therapist and we can begin to work through this.

The therapist that I spoke with there and her diagnosis is rather interesting. That is another thing I will discuss with my therapist. She said only when taking everything into account does it work. She is right. But given that I'm inclined to be very introverted and quiet/shy in real life, as a result of fear of rejection (I think I have strong avoidant traits I want to add), being HPD is kind of an interesting theory.
I am highly suggestible, always looking for approval and validation from others. Always needing attention, but afraid (because of social phobia, fears of rejection, therefore being repressed) to get it. Other things as well. It's interesting to say the least and really surprised me when she said that, and that she was quite adamant about it.

So I'm not sure what is going on with me exactly. I noted in my previous entry that I am aware of the self-denial I have been in for most of my life, and how automatic it is. I'm fighting it and trying to stay authentic to myself. I do not care if I have to wear masks to others, I just want no more self-denial and lying to myself.
I don't care what labels I have, as I just need to know WHAT I am, find the truth in myself. Whatever labels I am. I just want to be true to myself for once. I don't care if I'm not true to others.

I feel so different though. I have no desire at all to harm myself or cut any more. I feel like I want to live, enjoy life.

My mind's love for finding the truth, and my desire to find the truth in myself, all has led me here, to this point.

If my experience was authentic, I can only say that I do not wish for that to happen ever again. That was a terribly frightening and painful experience. To realize my former self was just a false self, a puppet, and never had existence. That I'd been living this lie all these years, even to myself. That I couldn't exist in this reality because of my extreme need for my True self's existence to be validated. The lack of which almost caused me to revert back into total self-delusion. I couldn't handle it.

Whether that was real or just a psychotic delusion, that is how I really felt and what happened.

I know with absolute certainty now that I do have a True self/False self, and it did start in middle school at the earliest. Atleast the severe repression/denial started then. But I started learning to wear masks and act in elementary school.

So that's that I guess. I'm craving pot and might get some more. But it was messing with my mind, plus with my new med, it really screws me up. I get wasted really easily, lol.