Little's Journal- Replies Welcome

Replies welcome

Cracked

Thank you Cracked.

~

Okay, this is my/our (?) first entry in this journal. I've been home today, pretty much alone all of the time. It has been okay though, I've watched new episodes of The Simpsons on the TV, I was really happy when I noticed they showed episodes that I hadn't seen yet.

I had been thinking of spending time with my insiders, but I'm sick so I haven't got much energy for that... it's not like much is needed though - I usually just read something I think they'll like or use our notebook, either write in it or draw. I've been resting most of the day not really having the energy to even think about the fact that I'm not a singleton. I hope they're not too upset about it... we'll do something this weekend instead.

I'm actually going to dad's this weekend, not sure how I feel about that, think I'd rather have stayed at mom's instead... it's just... difficult... or something... At mom's I feel like I can actually rest and I need that a lot right now since I'm not feeling well, plus I'm going to a summer camp, sort of, Monday-Thursday, but I hope I'll only have to be there Tuesday-Thursday. I'm worried about that camp so I feel like I need some time resting before I go there.

Oh well that's it for now. See you.

Hi Little

Glad to see you have started a journal. I hope it helps you

Hope your weekend and the summer camp go well

Hugs

Cracked

I'm going away for a few days, I'll be back at Thursday. I'll be at a summer camp. Don't really know anyone there except from a grown-up that's "mine" (the person will be there for me). Am worried about this because I'm usually not good at sleeping away from home.

I really hope it'll be fun. Mom says it will be and that I'll grow from this experience. I really hope I do. Now I have to go to get ready. Don't think I'll have any Internet connection where I'll be staying so can't write here, worries me a little, too.

I'll try to think positive though. It'll be fun, and what about when I get home from there, I'll be so happy that I made it.

Really hope it goes well for you

Hugs

Cracked

Things went very well at the camp.

I had a lot of fun and I didn't miss home all that much. One of the grown-ups that was with me there is leaving. It'll be in September, though. Don't know if I can handle it. Everyone is leaving. Always. It just makes me fall apart. So scared.

Today has been good, I've spent time with a friend of mine and we've had a lot of fun.

Also today things weren't that good, either. It has been both good and bad, I guess. I was very upset a while ago and cried some, felt disconnected and it was all just scary... Parts inside are so scared and worried, wish I could just make it better somehow. I sat down and watched TV and it calmed us down which is good. It was scary though feeling so "off" and disconnected because I'm not that used to those feelings.

Not feeling like writing anything more about what happened when I got upset because I don't want to get all upset again, but yeah, it's a bit unstable now although we're managing... tomorrow is a new day and we'll have fun with this friend of ours again. I'm looking forward to it.

Glad camp went well for you

I hope you are feeling a bit better now from feeling upset

Hugs

Cracked

I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm losing myself. Or, losing something. I don't know, but it doesn't feel good.

School starts next week. It's a new school. I have to be strong, things have to work out from the beginning. Otherwise I'll end up depressed and everything will just fall to pieces. I'm not sure if I have the strenght to do this now. I feel like I'm already falling apart when I haven't even tried. Kind of feeling like just running away not even trying because I don't want to see the disappointed faces of the people who thought I could actually make it, that my life would finally be okay, and then I wasn't strong enough to do it. They don't know what they're asking for, though. They don't know what it's like living with an autism diagnosis, having a hard time in the social every day life. They don't know how big of a deal this will be for me. And I don't know if I can do it.

I'm so scared. I am. I want to run away, I don't even want to try. I don't want to end up in school having SI for the first time in more than a year. But if things screw up I'm pretty sure that's what will happen. I know I should try, though. I've been fighting for so long all these years. Why wouldn't I be able to make this work, too? This is my chance for things to work out, for me to get friends for the first time in my whole life (like, real friends that are in my own age). I've been through so much and I've made it all this way, why wouldn't I be able to make this, as well? I don't know. I just feel like I'm too scared. Maybe I don't want to fail. I think that's it. I don't want to fall to pieces again. I don't want to fail when I had the chance to get things right. I know that if I mess it up this time I've messed it up good. It's like 3 years of my future that could have been filled with real friends and laughter and happiness, things that I never got in my earlier years in school. Knowing that I didn't make it but instead turned to SI and just wasn't strong enough breaks my heart.

I think that maybe I'm so scared of not making it that I'm not even trying. I want this to work, though. I have to try. Trying and falling to pieces and nothing ending up the way it should have, is better than not trying at all, and things ending up the same way anyways. That way I could say that I did the best I could, and no one would blame me. Maybe life is just too hard for me.

Today I'm meeting my T to talk about some of my alters.

A lot has changed since I last wrote here. People in the 3d world knows about us now, including my best friend. It's such a relief.