HOCD making me question everything..

Hello there,
I'm a 21 year old female and I'm new to this. I only signed up because I wanted input from those who can actually say they relate. I'm not diagnosed so I'm going to put tid bits of myself, only to get the best feedback so I apologize in advance if this is a little long.

I think I've questioned my sexuality once before in my life but brushed it off. Something I knew was just natural and unavoidable but it was easy to brush aside. I've always had relationships with men, always been very satisfied with them sexually and emotionally. About a year and a half ago, I was engaged to someone 12 years my senior and our last encounter ended up with him surprising me with the cops. He basically destroyed my entire sense of hope, love, and self-worth.

Sometimes, I still feel numb and can't help wondering what's wrong with me because I've been blessed with a boyfriend who's currently everything I would've asked for. I even ended up telling him about this but I don't think he can relate. He is supportive though and I can't believe he'd stay with me after hearing something like this. I ask myself why I can't dive into love how I used to and it's begun to eat me alive to the point of questioning if I'm just gay or something. This past month, I've been going absolutely crazy. It's like out of no-where, I just became obsessed with sexuality. I have literally never had the urge to touch a girl but I do check them out a lot. When I see a girl, I don't think," oh I want to touch/kiss that." I think," Why can't I have those legs?" or "I wonder what it must be like to wake up everyday and looking at yourself knowing you're that in shape". I've often felt that I've lived beyond my years and it's taken its toll on my appearance and my mind. I get very envious of those who seem to have that "glitter in their eyes" and seem to be peaking and I seem to be slowly unraveling physically and emotionally. One day, I can remember wondering what my stance was on gay marriage and the uncertainty of my stance made me think," What if it's because I'm gay?". I value the traditional view of marriage (man+woman, no judgement on others who think differently) but I have gay friends dear to my heart so of course, I became confused on whether or not I should support them or stay true to my beliefs. Somehow, that ended up with this horrific self-torture. I caught myself being attracted to gay articles and wondering why. I started questioning my past friendships with girls and checking if it ever crossed the line. I started checking online to see if I was in denial. I was scared to even look at girls at work. My lesbian coworker would compliment me and I'd check to see if I would get wet. It's like I can't function if I don't get this out of my head but it refuses to leave. I've even had two panic attacks because of it including dizziness, headaches, hot flashes, shortness of breath, and shakiness. I didn't want to hang out with my gay friends for a while because I thought: You are who you hang out with so if I have a lot of gay friends, maybe I'm gay. I only calm down if I get online and it'll last temporarily but then hit me harder for days at a time. It just sneaks up on me and I hate it. I worry that one day I will experiment just to calm the fears. I can't picture myself with a girl but I don't understand why 1) this won't go away and 2) why it's killed my libido. It's affecting my relationship because I get moody since I just wish I wasn't so cooky.

I feel like I've been dealing with depression my whole life. I've been seeing a licensed counselor for over a year who agrees but I just haven't had the money to get screened. When I met my current boyfriend, I actually felt that I was strong enough to let go of those helpless feelings and be happy in a healthy relationship but it's like every time I think stability is a possibility, my mind bombards me with something and now it's this. Help? Please?

I have exactly the same situation than you! 2 years ago I was in love with a guy and he just destroyed morally and emotionally. Right now Im dating the guy that fits me personally but I do not feel love toward him as much as I would like to.. and as you I could not understand why it happens if this guy is the perfect men for me. So since 2 months already I am doubting my sexuality, and it eats me, I'm moody and always depressive because I don't understand myself.
When my boyfriend left for a few weeks I had some visit from my girls friends for a weekend. And once during we were sitting and talking about guys I had some impulse toward one of my friends. And since then everything started. I was akin myself questions what was going on. Why is it like this.. and going far and far with my thought.
Then few days after these friends left my best friend came over for a week ( I live next to the sea so she came for holidays). And then it became just a hell for me. I started to imagine scenes with her in purpose to see how my body reacts. I was believing Im getting aroused by her, which was most likely the case. The thing is that I never doubted myself. Me and my best friend made out once 3 years ago while being drunk but even this incident did not cause any doubts for me and my sexuality. I always knew that I like guys. But now I feel it is like very heavy inside of me. I can't live with that. I am always testing myself imagining sex scenes with girls and how do I react. I can't enjoy sex anymore with my boyfriend, because my head is full of this thought..

Also, I date this guy since 10 months and He is the perfect boyfriend. the only thing is that i was never quite happy with our sexual life. At one moment I even started to ask myself if I ever did enjoy sex with men..

I doubt my fears come from the fear of the social pressure, because I know my family will accept me whoever i am and I am very loyal toward homosexuals. I feel totally lost. And I am actually glad that I found your post because it means I am not alone.

Unfortunately I have no clue how to deal with this..

Sorry for the late reply. I just saw you replied.

I've questioned things too. I'll look at female celebrities and check myself. I've avoided some gay friends..it's really hard. I ended up telling my boyfriend about what I thought was going on in my head and he was surprisingly mature about the whole situation and very reassuring. He helps me and it's toned down since then.

I feel like maybe this sprouted because before I was always embracing a sexual side of myself and a more aggressive side but after my broken engagement, I became more to myself and it's kind of this weird loss of identity. I didn't mind chasing guys or feeling strong and tough. I felt better that way because I wasn't a typical "damsel in distress". I felt I could my own and it made me feel good. Now, I don't care about that so much but it's like I don't know what to care about anymore. Looking back as to how I was so confident with my sexuality is crazy cuz lately I feel so fragile.

You're not alone. Don't ever feel that.
Hopefully we can both overcome.

Oh wow. I feel so much the same. It's pretty much identical with me, also the depression phases all my life...I am male thats about the only difference. I wonder how you have been since you posted here?