Pure-O?

Just typing this is terrifying. I'm almost 23 years of age and my life doesn't feel real. I think so much about everything that at times I feel like the entire existence of the world is tapping into my consciousness and all I can think of is suicide. I know that I do not want this for myself and have therefore not ever attempted to kill myself even though i think about it numerous times each day. Due to the tricky and ever changing nature of my thoughts I cannot quite write them down because I feel like they wont let me. It is ruining my life. At times it gets so bad that reality warps and I cannot find a simple human thought in my head at all. All that constitutes everyday existence is unlocatable in my mind. It gets so bad sometimes that the siplest of things (a colour, a sound, a thought upon a thought) can send me into a panic attack. At times I am convinced that I'm not even human or that I am cursed. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist for years and because my OCD is now back I cannot escape the horrible thought that I will be stuck in this loop forever and that the only solution would be suicide. I have researched Pure-O ocd and have not found much hope for a solution. I would like to point out that I do not have compulsions per say, albeit mental if anything. I know I'm a beautiful person inside and out and I only want good things for myself and the people I Iove. Even typing this feels so far from reality I cannot explain it in words- language too does not always seem real.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel so alone in my head and the fact that i'm wasting time (I know the thoughts are coming from inside my own head) is only further fueling my obsessive thoughts. Can anyone relate? Please, I really need help!

Hi,

Doesn't your shrink perscribe meds for your anxiety?

I have similar problems telling what is real to the point that I obses about things I might have said or might say or do. Sometimes my wife gets mad with me because I spend hours online researching a reoccurring thought or voice in my head.

I don't think you are alone. I'm not OCD but have some obsessive tendencies and I can relate to your problem.

I'm all for medication. I've tried dealing with my problems alone but they never go a way. If it is a chemical imbalance or something then meds all the way. Perhaps cognitive therapy is also an option?

Thank you for your reply! Yes, I was on 350mg of SSRI antidepressants a day in 2009 following a nervous breakdown and institutionalisation in a private hospital. Between then and this year I was tappered off my meds by my psychiatrist to being on 37.5mg a day as of the last two or three months. My psychiatrist was very happy with my progress and this contributed to my current low dosage. I understand completely about your thoughts. The most terrifying thing is when these thoughts have been with you for so long that they begin to feel rational even though somewhere far in the back of your head you know they're not. The last two or three days were seeming to be a bit better but since an hour ago I've spun into my bad place again. I suffer extreme depersonalization in these episodes and this only hightens my anxiety because I do not feel one with my body and mind- hence reality consequently seeming unreal. What I cannot make peace with is how sometimes I can be happy in a moment and then in a few seconds go to feeling completely spun out and suicidal. I feel as though my life is one big loop of despair toying with me. I can remember how beautiful I think/thought life was and how much boundless love a felt for things. I remember this somewhere in my consciousness at all times which makes the times when I can feel myself disappearing all the more painful and sickening. My lack of reality seems so bad a times that just the sight of my own hand moving or the sound of my voice can send me into a panic attack- the simplest of things can undo me. Life and my sense of self feel fragmented to the point where any point of sensible thought or reasonable point of sane departure are lost on me and everything inside my mind jumbles and moves so that I cant grasp anything and feel like I've lost my mind. Thing is I'm very intelligent and conscious of everything which in turn makes me feel that I dont actually have a problem and that I've never been sane to begin with. One day I'll feel perfectly stable and in control, unable to recall what I thought my problem was. Then almost immediately a memory of how nowhere I was feeling just hours before will hit me and I loose grasp on everything.

Thank you for sharing your story with me and please dont hesitate to keep talking to me. I hope you're doing alright...

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