ROCD?

I've always been a highly reactive and anxious person and as a young child I exhibited various Obsessive Compulsive traits but was never formally diagnosed. As the years progressed, the old compulsions were overshadowed by my Borderline Personality Disorder. That diagnoses came about after the end of an incredibly tumultuous relationship. The beginning of the end was when I began to doubt the relationship; thoughts about not loving him because I didn't have certain feelings or was void of them at times. Needless to say that these feelings became overwhelming and I subsequently ended it. It left me in a state of emotional desolation. I suffered through months of stress induced starvation (I lost about 30lbs in a few months) as well as intrusive, paranoid thoughts and deep seated anxieties. I managed - with the help of a therapist and a lot of soul searching - to pull myself up by the boot straps and get on with life.

A few months ago, I became involved in a potential relationship with an amazing guy. He's precious to me and treats me with the utmost respect, affection and love. Until recently, I was reciprocating those actions and feelings wholeheartedly and felt positive about the future. But the old thoughts have been creeping in again and I've spent the past four days ruminating over my lack of feelings and searching every website known to man for answers.

The guilt is immense, the intrusive thoughts are scary and now I'm beginning to show physical symptoms of my stress and anxiety.

I cry daily over this because I never want to hurt him. I doubt my love for him constantly, question whether or not I miss him, if I manipulated him into loving me, that I should let him go so he can be with someone else who will love him wholly. Then I'll have a moment of clarity where I feel as though I love him, but the anxious thoughts aren't far behind. The cycle repeats itself. I feel so much anxiety at the thought of speaking to him about this and of hearing his declarations of love and support because I feel as though I cannot reciprocate.

I DO NOT want to lose him, he's the best thing that's happened to me, but I don't want to be selfish. I'm so scared and confused.

Does any of this sound like ROCD?

I'm sorry, I don't know what rocd is, but the truth is, you really need to speak to a therapist about this, because it's distressing you mentally, and affecting you physically. One bout of psycotherapy doesn't usually help someone forever - it may help a lot, but now and again we need a 'top up', to help us again - I certainly have needed more than one bout of therapy. So it's good that therapy helped you before, but please use it again. Good luck.