PLEASE HELP. OCD Guilt, Depression and Suicidal thoughts

I have come on here because I am desperate for help and advice. I don't feel like I can tell the following to anyone.

Some quick background history:
- diagnosed with OCD at age 7 (contamination, hand washing etc)
- it flared up again in the form of homosexual OCD around age 18. That lasted for 2 years or so and was INTENSE.
- general issues with a need for acceptance from others at all times, which is why the following problem is causing me some serious distress

I am almost 22 years old and several months ago a memory resurfaced form my youth that I had clearly been suppressing until now. I cannot remember at exactly what age the event occured. At first I thought I was around age 12-13, now I'm terrified it could have been older - getting worked up about it already.

I remember being exposed to lesbian porn at an early age. I think I was about 10 years old. I remember feeling very, very guilty about it - mainly because it fascinated me. When my parents got internet - I must have been 12 or 13, I searched for lesbian porn because I was curious and I wanted to find out more.

To cut a long story short, I became obsessed with the idea of someone performing oral sex on me. I wanted to knwo what it felt like. Well, we had a pet dog... she used to have a real thing about licking peoples feet. Oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this. Basically, I put two and two together and wondered what it would be like if she were to lick me down there. I encouraged her to do it twice, each time for a short amount of time. I remember at the time knowing that I wouldn't be able to tell anyone about it - it felt wrong and I stopped.

When I remembered this event I went absolutely nuts and have been in a state ever since - it fluctuates from day to day. As I mentioned above in my notes, I have a really hard time accepting myself. My issues with hyper-morality (involving being brutally honest with loved ones) stem from a deep need to be able to bear my soul to anyone and to have them accept me. I have recently met a guy whom I am developing some strong feelings for. I have had some really bad relationships in the past and this guy is different to anyone I've ever met. He makes me so, so happy. It kills me to think that, were things to ever get serious, I would have this dark secret hanging over me that I would never be able to tell him. Who would ever understand? It's absolutely disgusting.

I really, really don't know what to do. I feel sick with depression and I need someone to tell me I'm not a disgusting human being. All I want is to be happy, just like everyone else. And I feel lik this mistake in youth is going to hinder my chances.

Hello, dbat - first of all, no, you're absolutely not disgusting. I read a book once, about female fantasies, and one of them involved the very incident (with a dog), that you described. Another female, (same book), had gone further than fantasizing.

So listen - please, don't worry about this. You were curious, like many people, of all ages, all over the world, have always been - and you tried something out. You won't do it again, and there are a lot of things that many of us, me included, would never be able to tell anyone.

I do understand your need to 'confess' - I'm a bit like that myself. I think that you should ask for a referral to a specialist in ocd, or find/pay for one privately, if you can afford it. This will be difficult for you, I know, but tell him or her what you've told me - that way, you've 'confessed' to someone, and can seek their advice on what to say (or not) to your boyfriend. The therapist won't be shocked, they see people who have far more reason to feel embarrassed than you do.

I don't know, us ocd lot, we seem to look for ways to screw ourselves up, and spoil the good things when they happen, don't we? You absolutely did not do anything terrible, although I understand that you can't tell just anyone about it. The same goes for lots of other people, too; because they can't tell all and sundry about the things that they are embarrassed about, that doesn't make those things wrong.

Please, go and see a therapist. Also, if you haven't already told your doctor that you have been feeling suicidal, you need to do so immediately, to get the medication that can help you, as well as the therapy.

And I just wanted to let you know - when I read your post, I didn't feel the tiniest bit of disgust or even surprise - as I say, it's not uncommon. Show yourself some compassion, and get the help that you need, and that is there.

Best wishes to you, from funky.

I just wanted to add, if you need to talk to someone straight away, the uk number for the Samaritans is 08457 909090, or you can e-mail jo@samaritans.org