Homosexual OCD: In search of an answer

Homosexuality Thoughts: A Mental Demon:

When thoughts arrive in your brain that doubt your own sexual identity it is only natural to become distressed. These thoughts are not like normal thoughts that you can answer. The intrusive thoughts keep coming despite you best efforts to stop them. Your natural inclination is to try and resist them but often the frequency and intensity just overrides all your efforts to curb this mental demon. The thoughts seem so compelling in their efforts to get your attention so one can easily start to really doubt ones sexual identity. You might end up asking yourself, “Am I really gay?” You might start checking your own reaction. You might check for reassurance from friends. Whatever you do is just your attempt to ease your anxiety and answer that question “Am I gay?”
You are in OCD country when you have these obsessive thoughts that leave you doubting and distressed. These thoughts just don’t stop and force you to look for answers. When you are compelled to act then you have started some compulsions to help relieve the anxiety and make sense of what your brain is saying.

From what is scientifically known to date, OCD is mainly genetic. It is caused by misfirings in a part of the brain that is not where your normal logical thoughts originate. You try to process the thoughts as though they are like your true thoughts. You think they must be saying something about you. What they do say is what you are anxious about and that is all. The OCD thoughts do not link to any inner desire that is being unmasked. There is no truth in OCD just anxiety.

The problem with compulsions is that they only relieve the anxiety for a short time but they feel reassuring when you do them. Obviously this leads to wanting to repeat them to relieve the anxiety. So you start living with your finger on a repeat button. You might start self-checking and ruminating in your mind. Your ruminations might have you going back in time to when you were in the bath. When you were with your friend and had a thought. Was there something? The doubt is the DEMON. You might start questioning others for reassurance. You might start avoiding situation you think might trigger you. All the while the doubt seems to grow and nothing you can do helps find the answer. No answer seems to stick. About at this stage of dealing with this demon OCD, you can get so down, you might think it is easier really to be one than try and resist.

There is help. OCD meds and exposure and response prevention therapy are great. Hope to hear your story and what might have worked for you.

Very interesting information. I wonder, how did you source this?

As someone with ocd who used to worry about the possibility of being homosexual, (and become very upset and obsessed about it, along with many other things), I can vouch for the truth of what marg wrote. When I think back on my teens, 20s and 30s, the possibilty of being a lesbian was terrifying - now, I find it strange, in a way, to remember how frightened and horrified I was.

I am straight, but now, in my 50s, I realise how little it would have mattered if I had been gay. It's so strange. I was obsessed by the idea of being turned on in inappropriate situations. It seems to be a major part of ocd, and yet, there we all are, locked in our own private hells, convinced that we are unlike others, and terrified to tell anyone. Obviously, I'm not advocating telling everyone about your fears, but specialists in ocd must have heard this kind of fear many times. So, please, if you do have these sort of fears, seek help.

thank you marg for that information.

it has only been recently where i have really started to learn about ocd.
my sister in law has it real bad, we used to spend alot of time together. so i witnessed her checking the cooker, doors, windows and sockets over and over again.
to be honest, the checking and cleanliness was all i thought ocd was.

as i started learning more, i could see it right across my family. my family have made 'jokes' about it in the past, and i always thought it was the typical thing of how everybody seems to do it. if they do something that's out of habit, they seem to say 'oh that's my ocd'. when really it's just a quirk.

anyway, during my obsession with ocd and mental illnesses. i learned about pure o.
it dawned on me about all of the times i've had awful, awful thoughts and i've been too ashamed to even think about telling people. although i knew they weren't real thoughts, how was i to explain that to other people...and expect them to believe me?

my thoughts are around being a lesbian, and children. it's not so much my worry of me doing anything with children - it's more so of what people think. i think people think that of me.
i remember hugging a neighbours kid when she was upset not so long ago. i felt terrible after about 1 second and quickly let go. i was worrying incase i had touched her accidently somewhere i shouldn't have...and also what the neighbours were thinking.
i get awful thoughts when changing my sons nappy. it's quite a task, mentally as i start thinking people will think i'm looking. then it goes on to me questioning myself, wondering if i am looking. even though i know i'm not.
as for the lesbian one, i worry when i see any woman i find pretty. it feels as though i am attracted to them, even though i am not. i just think they're pretty. but my mind goes on for hours, "am i lesbian? do i fancy her? no i'm straight...but am i really? what if i'm really a lesbian and i just don't know it yet"
i got scared around my sister in law - i looked at her chest area one day...because she was talking about her breasts. she was fully clothed!!
and all of the thoughts kicked off! was i looking because i like them, is it because i'm a lesbian etc. etc.
when really, it was only because she was talking about them. she thought nothing of it!
if somebody mentions the word lesbian, i go all funny. my mind kicks off, thinking that they think i'm a lesbian because secretly i am...even though i'm not. i just end up really uncomfortable, to the point i probably actually do look like a lesbian in denial lol

are those intrusive thoughts? or am i on a different level.
i'm only posting this as it might make a lot of sense to me after all of the years of these stupid thoughts running through my head. also because of what funky said

now i'm all anxious about my post

Hello again, Lil. Please don't worry, you're just more open than me - I've had the sort of worrying thoughts that you've had, about whether people will judge my behaviour around children, and I'm not attracted to them, either. Honestly, the more posts that I read on here, the more I can see how similar many of us are. I recommended a book about ocd in another thread, and one of the authors said that he would trust someone with ocd to look after his child over many other people - because it is obvious that people with ocd do not want to abuse children, and would in fact take very good care of them.

Please don't be anxious, you haven't done or said anything to be anxious or embarrassed about.

Hi Folks. This is Marg. I was a carer for my son who had a grade 5 case of OCD. He was so disabled by it that for five years I could do nothing more than try and save his life. I read every book I could and tried so many things. He was hospitalized 7 times over the 5 years. My house resembled something you might see in a deranged psychs office. I had covered all reflective surfaces with OCD messsages. I worked out profiles of everything he did and wrote them up in cyclic form to show how the addiction cycle worked. I was as relentless as he was disordered. In the end the care workers who were sent to help me thought I had become the expert in all matters OCD in my state. I then advised to the board on access to services. Actually that was pretty easy back then. There was none really for OCD at all. I remember one council mental health worker came and just called my son a spoilt brat. They really had no idea how brain lock and panic attacks could overlay in a person and appear in one day. This lady's co worker seemed actually excited by the unguarded opinion and so added that it wasn't possible at all for anyone to experience what we had just seen. Honestly what can you say to that? Yes I said a lot of that under my breath. I decided the books were my best friend and to hell with everyone's opinions.
One day I read Fred Penzel online. I decided to buy his book.The complete guide.... After the first few pages, I started to cry. He was telling my story. I read all the book. I knew I had found a person who understood what I was really experiencing and had some answers. Actually that is not quite true. I didn't read all the book. I left out the early years chapter because my son was about 19 at the time. Some time later I decided I would read this chapter I had skipped. There it was, he had had a son with a bad case too. I did a bit more crying.
It takes that inside perspective to know. Not just textbook knowledge and that is why Penzel's work resonated so well with me.

I have read many book about OCD but still go back to Penzel due to this affinity that I established. I suppose there might be lots of new books now. Anyway, I would have got most info from him.
I am the analytical psych type naturally so I like to put this side of myself to the wheel from time to time. Hope I can help you guys here. I already want to thank Funky for lending a hand here. She has taken the route of owning this disorder herself so her view is so important. You will find her sensitive comments a real reassurance to hear.

Detective Lil I think those thoughts you have are so like Funkys. The thoughts seem to be intrusive. You just can't shake them. They bring with them anxiety and shame. I know my son often hid his thoughts from me. Anyway it does sound like you have reached the right spot.
A good idea would be to print off what you have said or found that is relevant and take it to your next doc session.
There are 3 lines of treatment. Meds, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and exposure and response prevention. Many people who have manageable OCD go for cognitive behavioural therapy. This is where you learn the mechanism of OCD. What are your obsessions and how do you neutralize them with your compulsions. It is sort of like exposing logic to everything you do. Funky has recommended a good book for this.
If you are a bit worse then you need to add a med to give you enough logic to cope with the thinking required to do this CBT. I advise a Doc for this as SSRI meds work well for most.
If you have a raging case and have extreme anxiety and unbearable compulsions then you head for exposure and response prevention. You usually have done a bit of CBT and are on meds before you get to E&R. This is where you expose yourself to graded fear generating exercises. A few psychs are up for providing this. You might have to ask. It is challenging but OCD is more challenging.

Of course OCD is continually happening to the person so it is important to get a good reference book and study up. You will be surprised how good a therapist you can turn yourself into. Then you stop your compulsions from starting. Good luck and so pleased to be of help.