OCD about HOCD

Ok, I've officially mind ###$ myself with my latest obsession. I'll start at the beginning to give you guys a clear understanding of my situation.

As far back as I can remember about my sexual attractions, I've been attracted to men. I am also male. In my household though, being gay was thought to be just about the worst thing ever, so I kept my feelings hidden. I would check out attractive men, fantasize about having sex with men, etc. I was also really feminine. I'd play with barbies as a child, and dress up in my moms clothing and makeup too. Despite all of this, I really did repress my homosexuality. I convinced myself that being gay was a choice and that once I married a girl and everything that I would be straight. People constantly made fun of my effeminate behavior even though I never tried to act girly, I just was. They would ask if I was gay and joke about it, and I would turn red and say something to the effect of "Ew! #######1 are disgusting." Even though I was outwardly homophobic, I still had an attraction to men. When I watched a TV show or movie, I would fantasize about the hot guys, not the girls. Long story short, when I was maybe 13 or 14, I read an article about how the brains of gay men are different from the brains of straight men, and I couldn't argue with my self that being gay was a choice anymore. After months of trying to deny it, I finally came out to my mom and dad and friends. I'm 19 now, and since then, I've become so much happier. I've embraced being gay really well and I'm open about when I find men attractive. I've also embraced my gender nonconformity as I often wear makeup and high heels, and enjoy doing so although I don't wish to be a girl. Being gay has basically become a really big part of my overall identity and my parents have come around to it to.

Ever since coming out though, I've had anxieties about irrational sexual desires. I could never figure out what it was that caused me to do so but I finally found out that it could be OCD after reading about it online. I've literally convinced myself that I'm asexual, a sex addict, a pedophile, and a zoophile. Usually these are just brief phases and I bring myself back to reality but my most recent obsession has been causing me a lot of trouble. After discovering what HOCD is online, I've begun to fear that my being gay may have just been HOCD and that I'm actually straight and I just gave into to the HOCD. I've tested myself to see if I'm still gay by looking at gay porn and such and I still do feel aroused but I now fear that all of my gay fantasies and attractions were just "intrusive thoughts" related to OCD even though I derived great pleasure from them although denied them for a great period of my life as well. So basically I'm having an OCD related obsession about a form of OCD. I've truly hit rock bottom. I've become so proud of my homosexuality, I even started the gay-straight alliance at my high school, and have done lots of advocacy events at my high school - so the anxiety that this might all have been a lie has caused me to become almost suicidally depressed. I wished and yearned to be straight for so long and now that I have the fear that I might actually be straight, I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore.

As far as my involvement with men, I've never had a boyfriend. I've mostly done the gay nightlife thing - hooking up with guys at gay bars and clubs. I've made out with guys, danced with them, and performed oral sex twice in my life - never had sex though - and enjoyed it all. It kind of worries me that my attraction to men seems to be mostly sexual, not as much emotional. I've just never really seen myself committing to one person although lately I've been curious about what having a boyfriend would be like.

Anyways, does this sound like OCD or could I actually be straight and just gave in to HOCD when I was younger? Has anyone experienced something like this before? Tips on how to counter it? Thanks!

PS: I swear I'm not crazy, just an anxious person.

Okay brother,

I know personally what you are going through. Except in my case, i'm a heterosexual at heart, with a conflicting HOCD, which you might guess is very disturbing. I've always fantasized about women, the though of being with a guy never crossed my mind. I can distinctly remember when the thoughts came in, I couldn't think, I couldn't close my eyes without having disturbing thoughts. It was just a hell hole.

What I see in your case however, is that you've always know you were a homosexual. You just repressed it externally because of the stigma from not only your home but from your peers. Internally however, you enjoyed the homosexual thoughts, which is normal if you really are gay, and perfectly okay. So that's how you can really tell what your sexual orientation is. If you enjoy the thoughts, then that's a clear indication that you really are gay, or vice-versa if you're really are straight. If you absolutely hate the thoughts, to the point where that's mostly what you think about the whole day, then that means that it's truly an HOCD.

OCD is so confusing isn't it?

Well anyways, I know what you're going through, so don't feel alone. The best thing I would recommend is cognitive behavioral therapy, it's basically a form of therapy in which you rationalize your distorted thoughts. For example, you might write down, "well, what if I am really straight, and I 'was' lying to myself?" You'll rationalize with black and white thinking, and you might label this type of thinking as "catastrophic thinking." Basically your fear of being straight is completely irrational. If you really can't see a therapist, which i HIGHLY recommend, then there is book i would recommend called "the new mood therapy" by David Burns. As well, prescription drugs might also alleviate some of obsessive thoughts.
Stay strong my friend.

P.S. If you do seek a therapist, find one that specializes with OCD and cognitive behavioral therapy. And just remember, as much as you rationalize with your HOCD in your head, you will never win, it's best to just accept the thoughts and go with the "eh, so what?" They're just thoughts, you have the power, by going with this mentality, this does not mean you will actually become "straight."

Edited.