Help! Existential OCD

Thank you for clicking on my forum post! I would really appreciate if you read through all of this and gave a nice thoughtful response.
So firstly some general info: I'm 16, from a very dysfunctional family, Mom is ER boss, Dad is formerly a dentist. My Dad was very nice to me and took me on trips, like I had an obsession with trees and he embraced it and took me to see the Giant Sequoias when I was 8 in california. Then he started drinking, did heroin, crystal meth etc: and is now bankrupt, lost his dental practice etc:. My Mom is having intermarrital conflict (she is remarried to a OCPD type person who sees the world as black and white and i often get into conflict with him.). I am currently looking to pursue a career in petroleum geology but I feel like my foundation has turned into quicksand and I'm drowning in self doubt and terrible terrible thoughts. I'm obsessing about death and I have now started a daily journal to try and make sense of it all. I write everything in it, sexual complusions, fantasies, my thoughts, u name it ,and then try to sort through the mess. I'm thinking that the daily journal could be something me and my future wife could sit down and read together and reflect on, or my children could read one day. I have this obsession about handing out my complete journal on usbs to everyone at my funeral and playing a prerecorded message of me giving a speech while my dead body sits nearby, cold and dead. Then halo music could be playing and give the funeral an amped up feeling like a celebration of my life, rather than misery over death.
I am haunted on a daily basis by existential thoughts (Started 3 months ago) and thoughts about death etc: like "Why does the Universe exist rather than not exist?" "What is the point to life?" "Why am I here?" "Why do feelings matter if they are just chemicals?" "Why does matter feel entitled to say "i" why not embrace your humble origins and say we because we are all matter. Anyhow these thoughts run wild and are ruining my life. I have sunk into a depression and am seeing a physcologist weekly and taking 35mg of anafranil and 40mg of zeldox (mood stabilizer because my other doctor thought I was slightly bipolar, also said it would help with depression.) Upholding my generally outgoing joking self is becoming a chore and my life feels miserable at the moment. What i'm experiencing has been termed an existential crisis? I just don't know how to get myself out of it!! It's been two months on medication and I'm not seeing a dramatic improvement yet. My anafranil is finally going to be upped to 50mg next week, and higher if nessesary. It's supposesed to be a good drug for OCD.. has anyone else tried it? I'm also doing CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) but I'm not getting a huge improvement yet. I really need some advice on how to get off this train of thought... it's literally destroying me. The only thing I enjoy is videogames and sex at the moment. If I talk to my friends about this I'll scare them away. I really need help!

-- Tue Apr 17, 2012 10:42 pm --

BUMP