POCD - can't take any more!!

Hi guys

I haven't posted for a while and last time I did it was about issues of harm OCD where I remembered holding up an ambulance accidentally in traffic. I managed to recently get past this obsession only to go back to my OCD regarding children.

I would really appreciate some views on this as I am at my wits end and cannot see clearly. I'm also hoping that by writing it down I will be able to look at it better.

I'm a 29 year old woman and I have suffered with some form of OCD all my life. In younger years it was more about hand washing, germs and disease but about 6 years ago the thought that I may have abused younger children when I was 11/12 entered my head. I have touched on this subject before but I am not seeking further reassurance...I have just stumbled upon more 'evidence' if that is what OCD is trying to give me!

So...aged 11/12 I used to hang around with my mum, her friend and her friend's children who were 3 years old and a baby of 6 months. I even had sole care of the 3 year old on a couple of occasions. A few years ago and not long ago I got it in my head that I must have done something to the older child as I remember being in her bed cuddling her. And I'm not sure what I felt and why!

If this wasn't bad enough...I also used to hang around with another girl aged 5 when I was this age (my friends my age moved away) and this 5 year old and I would be alone a lot. I remember her parents bathing her in front of me and her being naked a lot and this also concerns me.

Even if I rationalise these things and say ok....I was a child myself and even if I think I felt something sexual, I didn't know what I was doing and I cannot remember touching them! But that is the problem! I do not know for sure. We are talking 18 years ago!!! Then I also obsess about maybe I was a bit older...I really can't remember!!! But it wouldn't have been older than 13. But then 13 year olds know right from wrong! I'm so distressed.

Anyway...as I was saying...even if I dismiss these two things...I also had contact with a friends children (we no longer speak for other reasons) when I was in my early to mid 20's and I don't think I was ever really alone with them...maybe if I slept on the sofa they may have come in in the morning and might have climbed on the sofa but that's as far as my TRUE memory serves me but I'm not certain my intentions or actions were good in this period either!

Sometimes but rarely I can tell myself I'm being silly. I have always grown up being funny about other people's 'stuff' ... Say I'd cringe if a baby swiped dribble on me....and I'm funny around unclean places and always have been. I can't remember ever touching a child's private area. It I can't dismiss it either!!!

It's making me not want to be around kids which is difficult as I am actually friends with the first 3 year old I mentioned I feared hurting! She knows about this worry and dismisses it. She is a protective mother and says she trusts me with her children 100%. She also says she would know if I had ever hurt her.

I have had lots of expensive therapy sessions and my therapist dismissed this first part (the 3 yr old and 6 month old) and says I would know if I did touch any child. Especially I would have known once I had my first sexual experience with a boy older than me when I was almost 16.

I just don't know....i now have issues if I accidentally look at a child for a second to long or they brush my chest accidentally. I definitely do not feel aroused! I just don't know what I did or felt in the past.

Another thing that haunts me is before the lovely technology world of porn was so accessible, I used to mess about on adult chat lines where girls can talk to 'normal' men for free. And I cringe to say this but if they were talking dirty I would be turned on (normally these messages are like voicemail rather than real time live chat) and I remember one guy talking about sex with his daughter. I dont recall how young she was or what he said...just that he did. And I'm pretty sure I did not get aroused or use this fantasy in my head. But I might have! It's a possibility that makes me sick.

I have tried everything. I am on Meds, tried hypnotherapy, seen a talking therapist....but it only fades. Nothing changes! Please don't mention CBT right now as I am not strong enough and it has been discussed already.

Do I sound like I've done something?! I am so distressed. I need to sort this out. It is wasting my life. I literally spend days sleeping because I cannot cope with thought. If I do have to go out it takes me ages to leave the house as I make myself sit in silence and run through the possibilities first which can take hours

Please be kind x

P.S thank you for the replies to old posts....I read them and they helped but then to move on I stayed away. But please know your help was greatly appreciated x

Hi, Sounhappy! No it does not sounds like you did anything, honestly. Some people here have said that their therapist helps them no longer see the thoughts as a threat, maybe you could ask your therapist how to do that?

Thank You so much for replying. If I did touch a child of 3 when I was 12 would this be classed as child abuse?

I am not sure. 12 year olds are kids themselves and if someone did that at the age of 12 they can't hate themselves forever. But it sounds like you have intrusive thoughts.

I know exactly what you mean, THANK YOU FOR BEING honest I"m going through the same thing and it confuses me too no matter if i think that i am a pedo i freak out if i think that i'm not one i try to figure out if i am but i know i deal with the same $#%^ and ITS ALRIGHT, its difficult but i going through the same things

If you understand OCD attacks the area that you get anxious about. You don't get anxious about crossing the road so no OCD there. But taboo subjects, make us all anxious, so OCD will go straight there and try to tell us awful things about ourselves that really aren't true. It is just that old menace OCD telling us to doubt ourselves. Of course, this makes us more anxious and more likely to have the thought.
OCD meds like Luvox might help a lot. If you have the thoughts again just call it like it is ..The OCD thought has come to visit and you never believe OCD. Just never never never believe OCD. It is the biggest liar so tell it to get lost.
Marg