hocd, do I have it? Please help

I'm just going to start by saying that female and i'm trying to figure out what is really going on with me. About 6 months ago, after realizing I was depressed, I was trying to figure out why I became depressed and I thought, "Oh my god, am I gay?" And I just got this sudden feeling of dread that lasted for about a month until I was put on medication. This has to be one of my biggest fears ever. It's gone through multiple phases too.

The first day I had the thought I became severly depressed to the point where I broke down during the school day and sat in the counselers office for an hour and a half because I was to upset to move or even
talk. I actually believed it the first day except the thought of leaving my boyfriend broke my heart. That was my main worry at first. It ended in days of rumination and tears.

After that passed, it was mainly me avoiding females for the fear of being attracted to them. I don't know why but I was terrified. I kept getting urges to kiss my friends and things along those lines so eventually I told my mother. I have two lesbian mothers by the way, which kind of adds to my fear. I'm completly accepting of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. I just don't want to be one. The thought "I'm gay" would just echo through my head all day. Then I started to feel like I was attracted or aroused by all the women I saw. For example I would watch tv and every women that came on the screen made me feel aroused, which made me uncomfortable. There was also a time when I was at the mall and I felt the same way except, then I started trying to picture myself with women and I didn't like it but I kept doing it and then I tried to imagine having sex with a women but I had to get rid of the thought. I also tried to masturbate to the picture of a naked women and lesbian porn but I had to stop because I just couldn't do it.

Then it got to a point where I would tell myself "i'm not a lesbian" and my mind would replace lesbian with straight and if I said "I don't like girls, I like boys" my head would switch them. I couldn't control it. Everytime I tried to I almost said the wrong word. But now it gets to the tricky part. It feels like I have a mix of good feelings with anxiety with my thoughts which scares me. Now I can even see myself with a girl and it dosn't exactly scare me. Sometimes it even felt like I wanted that, but at the same time I didn't. I used to imagine myself marrying a girl and I would freak out if I could. Then I would imagine myself marrying a guy and I was happy but now all of that has changed. Being with a guy used to feel natural at least I think, but now it feels wrong. What if being with a girl starts feeling right? I used to get heart flutter things followed by extreme joy when I saw a cute guy I could date but now I don't have that. I don't think I've ever had that with a women and I don't want to. The problem is now these thoughts are mixed with what feels like good feelings yet they still scare me and I don't think I want that.

I've been trying to figure out what scares me about being gay, but I don't know. I just know I want to be with my boyfriend but now I feel like I'll never be happy which scares me. I had a thought the other night where a guy was behind me kissing my neck and it was wonderful! But now its ruined because I was thinking about it and I was like $#%^. What if i was imagining being the guy in that? This sucks. Does this sound at all like ocd? Everyone also says they always know deep down thier straight but I don't know. Please help.

Hey Symes,

Welcome to the forum!

I think you'll find a lot of people who can relate to what you're going through. It definitely sounds like it might be OCD.
I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed and that these intrusive thoughts are causing you pain. I know how tough intrusive thoughts are ignore.
*hugs*
Are you seeing anyone, a counselor, etc?

Well wishes,

Evol

Hi, Symes831.

I imagine it must be frustrating trying to figure out what you feel. I would recommend a trained therapist to help you sort it out.

There are two things that govern our feelings. Our minds and our hormones. Hormones, a chemical in our bodies, help us procreate. They give us a drive to seek out relationships. It's not something that you can wisk away by thought. It is something you feel. On the otherhand, you have a mind that can create choices. The two either work together or the condradict.

Throughout history, same sex attraction has been evident. The hormones and mind show an attraction to the same sex. But, society we have now has a strong lean toward opposite sex attraction. And, with this knowledge, comes confusion, sorrow and pain. OCD is obsession and compulsion toward something. But, when hormones are involved, it gets tricky.

If I like women, I could say I am OCD because I like them... but that might not be true... because I am male.

So, if you like the same sex... is it called OCD?

It's the viewpoint you have of yourself that creates how you feel... the thoughts. I'm not saying that orientation is not important, but a your viewpoint is what creates the paain. And, this is where a trained therpist comes in.

Trained therapists understand objectivity. Looking at "problems" from a detached point of view, sorting out key elements of how you feel with your emtions. This allows the therapist to see a viewpoint different than your own and suggest how to proceed.

Self-diagnoses can be very tricky since you are biased by your own viewpoint, and a therapist's job is to be objective to help you. I am heterosexual in my view points, so understanding what you feel is hard. But, I can imagine. It hurts you, the feelings and the best thing is to find out why, give you ideas on how to deal with it... so you feel better about yourself.

Only a trained therapist can do that. Hope it helps

wait, do you think i'm gay?

Sorry. Never implied I think anything? Just going by what I am reading!

The question you put down is, "What do I think about the feelings I have?"

THe answers are on that line of thought. I'm sorry, but I am not a therapist and have self-esteeme issues myself and the last thing I want to do is make enemies. I think I am going to give this subject over to someone else that can help you better than I ever could!

Sorry

I'm not mad in the slightest. I just kind of freaked out that maybe you thought I was gay. I had a better day today and I know i'm not gay. I've only had sexual fantasies about guys and only ever had my heart skip a beat when I saw a guy of interest. I've never had that with a women. I know i have to face my fear and thats exactly what I'm going to do. Its only fear. The reason i fear it is because i'm not gay. At the most i'm bi and thats all. And that would be fine. Society dosnt scare. I dont give a $#%^ what anyone else thinks of me. In fact it would be cool because I could finally show people that sexuality dosn't matter. I have two lesbian mothers so I think from a young age I would of known if that was what I wanted or not. I've only ever had crushes on guys. I've been close to women and admired them and loved them in a family sort of way but it was nothing sexual or anything more than that. I choose who I want to be with and that's guys. I'm sorry if you thought I was angry. Actually I think a spike was what I needed. Thank you for taking the time to try and help. It means a lot.

Your feelings are your feelings... and they are not something that should be changed. Your feelings are your own and you should know that trying to do somethig about them is specualtive.

You go to a psychologist and you say you hate liking guys, he will say, let's do something about it. If you say I like guys, but, have no problem with it, he will never address the issue.

One thing I can see is your sensative. Sensativity is one of the greatest assets a man could ever have. So many men get caught up in machonesds that they have no idea what emotions are, and when they drink or get made, it gets bottled up, erupts and causes so much problems. Just becasue it's the macho thing to do. The macho thing to doi is to hide and bury any emotion.

That is not you. You are a sensative male. One of the best kind of males around. You want to explore your feelings, see what they contain and see if they are useful. This usefulness is good.

Back 4000 years ago, when we were all hunting and gathering, macho behavior was good for war and hunting and women gathered, made dwellingsand had our children. BUt, this is 2012, with so much complicated nature inb society, the war and hunting behavior is no longer needed... the nurturing behavior is the most important. Nurture the children so they get a handle on the complicated society we live in. Nurturing is %1000 higher and just one parent can't do it...it takes two. That means men need to nuture their kids to prepare them for all that's coming!

It's the sensative male who is king. It's the sensative male that takes time to talk to his son, play with him, and show that Dad is always there. It's the sensative daughter, trying to be the most beautiful princess, grabbig her mom's clothes, or combing her horses mane, sho asks Dad, do you think she's beautiful.

This little girl wants to be beautiful. Her schoolmates say she is ugly. She combs the mane of her doll horse so it looks great... looking at it, wishing she was that horse. Where she had beautiful hair and was the greatist person on this earth... and, there you are, man, watching her, seeing her wanting to know that she is loved. You are the representation of men. You have become the role model of men to her. Are you going to cower away or tell the girl that her horse has the most beuatiful mane ever. And, do the most important part, tell her how you really feel, "and, the horses mane reminds me of your beautiful hair. You are a princess, too. See your beautiful hair? You are just like that." Your not buttering her up. You are showing her how you feel... because when you are that close to a young ladie, even if you are just her Mom's boyfriend, you have taken on the responsibility of being a Dad like figure. Guys? It's not that hard... It's easy.

The little girl is precuious... right. Tell and show her that. Maybe I should just put something down on this area somewhere... Maybe it will do good!